Like All Things, It Ends
by CodeVassie
Summary: Lovino doesn't want his family to know how much his childhood trauma still affects him and he does a good job at hiding it. That is, until he moves to a new town and meets Antonio, someone he is unable to hide anything from. (Warnings for PTSD, Depression, harmful thinking of oneself, and violent death of a loved one)
1. Chapter 1

"Come on, Lovino! It'll be fun!" His little brother, Feliciano, nearly shouted in his ear.

Lovino had heard enough of this today. Ever since they had moved here a month ago his brother had been trying to get him to make friends and, in case Feliciano hadn't noticed the past sixteen years of his life, in all of Lovino's _seventeen_ years he had never had a single friend. And that sure wasn't going to change just because they were living somewhere else.

"Feliciano-" Lovino started the same protest he had been using the last month if not the last five years of his life, but it was cut short by the demanding argument of his Grandpa Roma.

"Feli's right, Lovino! You need to go out! Make friends! School starts in two weeks, you know!"

Lovino was quite aware and not at all happy of this fact.

And so before Lovino had the chance to put up another protest or even duck to his room, he was coaxed out the front door with his brother where they were followed with the loud bang of it closing behind them.

"Oh, this is great, Lovi! I can introduce you to my friends and they can be your friends too! Kiku's actually not here right now because he's at camp, but you'll get to meet Ludwig! He's great! And he has a brother whose a Senior this year and they're getting an exchange student in a few days who's also a Senior! I don't know how that'll work out though because he has graduation and all, but I'm sure they have it all figured out..."

Lovino didn't have to say anything the whole walk there which was probably for the best, as all he would have said were obscenities cursing their grandfather for getting him into this mess. When they finally arrived, Lovino was fully prepared to leave Feliciano there while he walked around the neighborhood until he would pick him up later, but then Feli grabbed his wrist as if he had done it unthinkingly in his excitement, but pulled a bit too hard toward the door for it to be an unthinking gesture.

Lovino gave him a questioning look and Feliciano just gave him an encouraging one in return. "Come on! You're going to make friends today!" When Lovino still didn't move Feli did the one thing that frustrated Lovino the most about him. "Please?" He asked simply in a way where Lovino just could not decline. Lovino was not only uncomfortable in going into this stranger's house now, but he was also highly irritated about it.

"Hello, Feliciano." Came the reply of a blond-haired, soldier-like kid that seemed to be Feliciano's age but had the air of a forty-year-old. He gave a questioning look over to Lovino and Lovino's irritation expanded to include this boy too. He didn't know why, but Feli's new friend had already made his way to Lovino's bad side.

"Hi, Ludwig!" Feliciano greeted loudly and embraced him as if he wasn't almost eight whole centimeters taller than him. "This is Lovino, my big brother! I hope it's all right that I brought him along. I figured he could watch the movie with us!"

"Of course." His voice had an accent of some sort. German? If Lovino could remember right, it sounded like German.

 _Great._ Lovino's internal monologue rolled off. _A damn potato eater._

The three of them ended up sitting on a couch in the German's living room with the Potato Bastard to the left, Lovino to the right, and Feliciano indifferently between them.

Before the movie, Feliciano and his friend had a long conversation on what had happened since the last they had seen each other. Well, if one could call it a "long conversation" when a lot of useless information was addressed in rapid fire by an excitable sixteen-year-old Italian.

The conversation did not take long, yet someone still managed to walk in before the movie started. By someone, Lovino deduced, it must have been the Ludwig kid's brother, going by the loud German accent. He had completely white hair and shockingly, his eyes were completely red.

"Hey there, little bruder!" The red-eyed guy greeted in an obnoxiously loud voice, quite different from that of his brother's. "You didn't tell me that you were having Feliciano over! Oh! And you're about to watch Roger Rabbit _without_ me? I do not think so!" He then leaned into the room he had just appeared from and shouted "New plans. Grab the popcorn; we're watching _Who Framed Roger Rabbit_!" There was a shuffle in the kitchen then and the sound of a pot dropping to the floor became audible through the door. The red-eyed guy then rolled said eyes and entered the room that could only be the kitchen. With a mumbled sigh of " _Dummkopfs._ "

Lovino looked over at the others occupying the couch to find that they did not seem surprised at all by this development. Feli continued with his story while clanging and laughter could be heard from inside the kitchen until, finally, the brother reemerged with two other guys who seemed around his age. One had long shoulder length blond hair and decided to use this chance to throw a piece of popcorn into the red-eyed guy's hair.

When the last person passed through the door he remembered how odd it was that he had become very short of breath in that brief moment. But then Lovino's eyes locked with the stranger's green ones and he forgot about breathing altogether. The green-eyed guy stood for a brief second, completely forgetting the popcorn war he had just been having with his friends.

"Hi, Gilbert!" Feliciano's always ebullient voice snapped Lovino out of it and he looked over to his brother and remembered to breath. "This is my brother, Lovino! Lovino, this is Gilbert, Francis, and Antonio! Gilbert is Ludwig's brother..." His brother continued talking but after he had said that last name, Lovino's thoughts had returned to the guy with the green eyes, yet, for some reason, Lovino refused to look him in the eyes now or even in his general direction.

His appearance was still clear in his mind, though. His bright green eyes and his tanned skin. His curly dark brown hair that had a piece of popcorn stuck in it. With only a few moments of looking at him, Lovino felt as if he had already memorized this stranger's appearance.

After Feliciano finished with his rapid fire talking again, everyone chose a spot for the movie which ended up being with Lovino squeezed between the blond-haired guy and the arm rest of the couch.

It was a tight fit and Lovino didn't appreciate the arm the Francis guy had fixed to the couch behind him, but Lovino tried to focus on the ridiculous movie. This had been one of the worst ideas Lovino had ever gone along with and for some reason his eyes kept steering down to where Antonio lay on his stomach with his head in his hands and elbows on the floor below the screen.

The movie lasted longer than Lovino wanted it to and it ended quicker than he expected.

Lovino found himself no longer squeezed between the couch and the stranger as the three others had already disappeared back into the kitchen. Now he was left with only Feliciano and the Potato Bastard for company and a few wandering thoughts of the guy who was now in the kitchen, Antonio.

"Oh, Ludwig! I think Kiku comes back from camp today! Let's go see if he's home!" Hearing his brother say this came as a slight relief to Lovino. He knew Feliciano wouldn't drag on this horror by making him follow him to another friend's house, so Lovino knew that this time of social friendliness, as if he had even shown any of that, was coming to an end.

Lovino stood from his spot on the couch, ready to take his leave. Ludwig and Feli also got up and walked out with him.

"Okay, Lovi! I'll see you at home; I hope we're having pasta for dinner! Don't you? Wouldn't that be great?" His brother leaped over to wrap his arms around Lovino and before letting go said quieter than Lovino had ever heard him speak before in his life, "Thank you, Lovi." Feli leaped back and him and his friend crossed the street where a van had just pulled up. Feli got really excited and took off ahead of Ludwig shrieking "Kiku!"

Lovino was shocked at how his brother could speak so quietly. He was shocked at the statement in general. All Lovino had done was sit and watch _Who Framed Roger Rabbit_ at a stranger's house.

Lovino turned, still amazed, to walk home. On the walk he took more notice to the neighborhood than he had before. Since they had moved there he hadn't really taken a keen look at their new neighborhood. It was a lot different from their old one, that was for sure. It was a lot more suburban with each house distanced uniformly apart and structured in similar ways. Their last house had been leagues away from any others and they were expected to go by foot to school every day despite the long walk.

Lovino never complained about it, though. He enjoyed having somewhere to go on foot. Here the only place to walk to was the bus stop or the neighborhood park that, he had noted when driving past, had always been occupied by children for the month they had been there, as it was still July and during summer break.

Not that he had really wanted to go to the damn park anyway.

Consumed by his thoughts, he hadn't even heard the steps of running shoes on concrete behind him. He only looked when a voice said something behind him. "Hello, Lovino!"

He nearly jumped out of his own shoes. He spun on his heels only to see the brown-haired, green-eyed friend of the brother of his brother's friend catching up behind him. He didn't even have enough thoughts to spare to go back and try to make sense of the mess of words he had just made in his mind. "What the hell?" He said instinctively.

"Sorry," The guy apologized, his voice definitely holding an accent, but not at all similar to the German brothers' -more alike to his own and Feli's-, "We met at the Beilschmidt's? I'm one of Gilbert's friends?"

The guy thought he didn't recognize him. Lovino rolled his eyes. "What do you want?" Lovino's words spoken once again without thought, but coming out unsurprisingly none the less.

"Well," he said without skipping a beat on Lovino's harsh words, "I felt that I didn't get the chance to introduce myself properly. I'm Antonio." Spanish. Lovino concluded. His accent was Spanish. Antonio stuck his hand out and for a moment Lovino was tempted to shake it, but he kept his hand firmly where it was at his side. Why was this bastard being so nice to him?

He offered no more words so Antonio kept talking. "And, if your brother introduced you right, you are Lovino?"

At the mention of his brother, he stiffened. Now he knew what was going on. Feliciano had set this up. He was trying to get him to make friends like he always did. This was taking it too far, though. Asking Antonio to talk to him was too much. But, instead of the fury that he expected to rise inside of him, all he felt was disappointment. He didn't know why, but some part of him had wanted Antonio to be here of his own accord to talk to him.

"Yes," Lovino said bluntly, "And you should go away."

Antonio's eyebrows shot up, but he did not react harshly. In fact, just the opposite. "Why? Do you not want to talk to me?" He asked curiously.

" Even if I did, bastard, I still wouldn't. I can make friends _without_ Feliciano's help."

This answer seemed to take Antonio off guard. "I'm sorry?"

"Frankly, I don't even need friends, so why don't you tell Feliciano to stop trying to make them for me." He said in a huff and stalked past.

"Wait." The Spanish man said behind him. He didn't seem to be telling him to stop walking, but to be putting a hold on his words. Nevertheless, Lovino stopped in his tracks. "You believe I am talking to you because your brother asked me to?"

Lovino turned. "I'm not stupid." He said but Antonio's words had made him second guess himself. Was he trying to deny the obvious? Why did the obvious suddenly sound implausible?

"No, no. I'm sorry, Lovino. That's not it at all. You see, my house is up this way too. I thought we could talk along the way since our houses seem to be in the same direction."

Lovino suddenly felt like the biggest idiot in the world. All this idiot wanted was someone to talk to. Feliciano wasn't trying to make him friends. This idiot didn't even _want_ to become his friend.

He felt himself turn three shades of red which had nothing to do with the scorching July sun overhead.

There was no way to recover his embarrassment from this one so he resorted to the one thing that might save some of his dignity. "Well, who says I would want to talk to you anyway, bastard?"

And, shedding the last of his dignity that he had thought he had just saved, he stalked down the sidewalk until he reached his house where he slammed the door.

His breathing slightly heavy and his hands oddly sweaty, he ignored his cousin, Romeo, in the living room who was glued to the couch watching who knows what on the television and ran up to his room.

The pressure that suppressed his heart's every other beat was like nothing he had ever experienced before and he refused to acknowledge that it scared the shit out of him. One thing was for certain, though, he was through with making friends.


	2. Chapter 2

_Hello! I wanted to let you guys know how much I appreciate everyone who viewed, favorited, followed, and reviewed my first chapter. It means so much and I'm just thrilled that you guys liked it! Thank you! Here's the next chapter and I hope you all enjoy!_

 _Happy New Years! ~_

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 _Sorry for replacing this chapter twice now. I had a slight war with this document over how I could separate the different sections, but I finally found one that the computer will let me save! Yay! Go this symbol _-/- _! Alright, thanks and sorry again. I'll try updating with real new content soon!_

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His mind-set didn't change and neither did Feliciano's. Only a few days later did Feli try once again to get Lovino to make new friends.

The four of them, Grandpa Roma, Romeo, Feliciano, and Lovino, sat at the dinner table where it seemed everyone but Lovino was having a competition for who could talk the loudest. It was hard to tell with Grandpa's booming voice, Romeo's way of indoor shouting, and Feliciano's constant excited jabber all taking turns topping each other for the high score. No one talked over one another, but their voices were so loud that it gave Lovino too much of a headache to even try listening to what they were saying. That is, until Feliciano said Lovino's name.

"-Lovino and I can meet so many people from the school and it'll be lots of fun! We can meet everyone and not have heavy textbooks to carry or class schedules to worry about! Romeo, I don't know if any middle schoolers will be there, but I can sure ask!"

"Wait, wait. What?" Lovino asked trying to catch up on what had happened while he had been attempting to contain his headache.

"A party, Lovi! We'll meet people from our new school! Gilbert, Francis, and Antonio are the hosts, though I don't doubt other Seniors will be helping. Oh, maybe we can help too! That would be so much fun!"

At the mention of Antonio's name, however, Lovino lost track of Feli's words once again. He remembered the last time he had seen that Spanish bastard and felt like he never wanted to show his face around him again, but there was that other feeling too. That nagging, heart skipping feeling that, for some unexplainable reason, wanted to see Antonio. Wanted Antonio to see him.

He shook his head and stabbed his fork into his Ravioli, another Italian delicacy that Feliciano could feel content with just calling "Pasta!"

He refused to acknowledge this odd feeling that surrounded him, and by all means, he was NOT going to this party.

-/-

It was Saturday. And he was standing in a corner of some nameless person's house with a red Solo cup in one hand which contained what he hoped was fruit punch, but not trusting it enough to actually drink it. The other hand was clenched into a fist, holding in his frustration that somehow, Feliciano had managed to get him here.

There were a lot of kids his age here, so he assumed there was either no alcohol or a lot of it. People were dancing like idiots and no one seemed uncomfortable in the least which led him to the conclusion of the latter.

He looked around for his little brother. If there was alcohol here, Feli would most likely find himself accidentally the victim of something and Lovino knew, no matter how mad he was with his brother for dragging him here, he could not stand for that. He knew Feli, on special occasion with Roma present, could hold his wine without much consequence aside from loud giggling throughout the evening, but wine could very well be the least of his concerns in a place like this.

In his search, his eyes happened upon the one person in the room he had been avoiding throughout the party. He felt his blood heat up and was so caught up in wondering why that was that he failed to realize Antonio had been looking his way already and was now making his way over there.

"Hello, Lovino!" Antonio's greeting the same as it had been in their first conversation.

Even though he had seen him coming, Lovino nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard Antonio's voice. He snapped his attention away and continued looking for his brother. "What do you want?" He tried to make it sound as rude as possible. He didn't want Antonio standing this close; he didn't want this odd feeling swirling in his chest. It was all just too confusing.

"Nothing really. Just to talk." Antonio said casually.

He couldn't help his searching eyes from flashing back to Antonio for a second. "There are plenty of people to talk to over there, bastard." He finally caught sight of Feliciano in the backyard with the German, Ludwig, and another boy who was shorter and had black hair. Feli seemed alright enough for the time being.

"I think your brother is enjoying himself, don't you?"

Lovino glanced back and saw that Antonio had followed his gaze to Feliciano. Lovino didn't know how to voice his worries out loud. Then, he wondered why he would even want to. Why was he even considering talking with this bastard?

He turned away back to where he could see Feli. He was seriously considering marching over there, taking his brother by the arm, and leaving on the spot.

"You seem worried." Antonio continued. "Is it Ludwig? Trust me, Ludwig would never do anything to harm Feliciano. I don't even think anything like that is in his vocabulary... if that makes sense..." Antonio trailed off, seeming to be trying to make sense of what he had just said.

"No, that's not it." Lovino continued, not knowing why. His voice came out surprisingly calm, but he quickly changed that. "I don't expect you to give two shits because it's your party and all, but I'm not really one for letting my brother get drunk or high or whatever it is you guys do here."

Antonio seemed surprised at that. "Oh, Lovino." He chuckled. The damn bastard chuckled. "I can't say I know what's around, but I'm sure neither you or Feliciano would find yourselves in it. Like I said, Ludwig will look after your brother. And for you yourself, well, I'll look after you."

Lovino's eyes widened and he felt his face change shades darker. He considered stalking away like he had last time.

Thinking about it, he found it suddenly hard to look at Antonio. He had made such a fool of himself in both of their conversations they had previously had. He settled on checking on Feliciano again. Still in the same place. Still having a good time. Still making every friend possible.

"I don't need you looking out for me like some little kid, bastard." Lovino mumbled. Antonio chuckled.

"So, Feliciano has said you've just moved here." Antonio prompted. Lovino wondered why he was still here. What could he possibly want to hear Lovino say?

"Yeah, and if you're so damn curious about it, then why don't you go ask Feliciano?"

"Because I want to hear it from you."

The comment affected him more than it should have, but he pushed that all away. He had to think logically. Why was this bastard talking to him? Wouldn't you think a host would have better things to be doing?

But, that was what he was doing right now, _idiota_. Being a host. Finding the person that wasn't having fun and get them to socialize. That's what hosts _did_. He was just another person trying to make Lovino be someone he wasn't.

"No." Lovino meant to say it rudely. To detach himself from this conversation. But, it came out as a whisper.

He couldn't stand this. He couldn't understand this feeling that swirled in his chest when he was around Antonio and he couldn't stand the thought that the only reason he was paying attention to him was because Antonio felt sorry for him.

So he turned and strode through the crowd, once again fleeing to his home and shutting himself in his room until these feelings were safely under control.

-/-

"Lovino! Why'd you leave without me? Did you not have fun? I'm sorry, I really thought you'd like it!"

Feliciano continued until Lovino finally opened the door. He had only just remembered that he had left Feli at that party alone and was now feeling guilt chewing its way through his stomach.

Lovino waited for Feliciano's silence to apologize. "I'm sorry, Feli. I just got really tired. Did you have a good time?" He asked taking the spotlight off himself and also making sure Feli had been alright for the rest of the party.

"Yes, but Lovino, you should really tell me if you're leaving next time. I was worried until Antonio told me you had decided to go home."

Antonio's name resulted in the same flip in his chest as always which frustrated the hell out of him. "I'm sorry, Feli." He said again.

"That's alright! Did you make any new friends before you left? Antonio said you guys talked a little!"

He didn't want to have to break the news to him that no, he hadn't made any friends or even talked to anyone that wasn't an annoying Spanish bastard, so he did what he always did: made an excuse, ran away from the situation.

"Feli, I'm really tired. Could we talk later?"

And with that one measly, terrible excuse for an excuse, his brother enthusiastically bid him good night and skipped to his own room.

Lovino then let his door click shut, hoping that he would never have to open it again.

-/-

It turns out never opening the door again wasn't an option. The next morning Roma made him come out to take out the trash. So much for Sunday as the day of rest.

When Lovino came back inside Romeo was glued to the couch skipping through channels on the TV once again. Romeo was Feli's and his cousin. His parents traveled too much for him to have a normal education or life, so Roma looked after him. That way he could keep his life steady and stable and not on the go all the time like his parents'.

Lovino didn't like his aunt and uncle too much. They had traded their careers for their son. Lovino knew that if his mom were still alive and had to make that choice, she would always pick him and Feliciano. She wasn't the kind of person that could abandon her kids and just leave them alone with her father for most of their lives. By choice, that is.

Of course, it had happened anyway, though.

Lovino passed the living room and entered the kitchen where Roma and Feliciano were making eggs. Feliciano was telling their grandfather all about the party last night.

"And I got Ludwig to dance and I met a girl from Hungary named Elizabeta and Gilbert doesn't like the exchange student at their house too much, but I still can't wait to meet him. His name is Roderich and he's from Austria! Isn't that funny? I met a Hungarian girl and I'm going to meet an Austrian boy! It's like Austria-Hungary! Wouldn't that be great if they became friends? Oh! I also met- oh, hey Lovino!"

And like that the attention was now on Lovino.

"Good morning, Lovino!" His Grandpa greeted him. "What did you think about the party last night?"

Lovino's eyes shot to Feliciano. So he hadn't told Grandpa that Lovino had skipped out? He tilted his head, questioningly, but Feliciano just shrugged.

"Um," Lovino considered carefully what he should say, "It was okay." He sat down at the table.

"Just okay? It sounds like you brother had the time of his life!" He waited a few moments for Lovino to say anything else and, when he didn't, continued. "Anyway, I have a list of groceries on the fridge that seems pretty full. Why don't you and Feliciano head to the store today?"

Lovino was just about to claim some sorry excuse for staying home as he didn't want to leave this house until school started, but Feliciano spoke up first.

"Oh, I'm sorry Grandpa! I told Ludwig and Kiku that I could hang out with them today!"

This made Feliciano out of the count for getting groceries and as Roma was busy that day too, the only other one in the house with their license was Lovino.

He sighed. "I'll be ready in ten." He then retreated upstairs where he was tempted to just dive back into bed, but instead sighed again and got ready to leave for the grocery store.

-/-

Most of the items on the list were to be expected, all of them normal things for the Vargas household. Before long his cart held olive oil, a variety of pastas and cheeses and even ingredients to make dough. Was Roma going to make pizza?

Lovino looked down at the list and concluded that it seemed everything was in order. Then his eyes landed on the very ingredient that could make or break every meal in his cart. "The fucking tomatoes."

He made his way over to the produce and stocked the cart with even more of his family's embarrassing Italian tendencies. Before long the cart looked like it was ready for an Italian restaurant commercial.

"Another lover of tomatoes, I see!" An all to familiar Spanish voice spoke beside him. Both his heart and his body jumped in shock.

" _Merda_!" He spun to face the person that he had run from just last night. "Don't do that, bastard!"

"I'm sorry, Lovino! I must have gotten carried away!" He seemed much too happy. Why did he always seem so damn happy?

"What do you want?" He wondered if Antonio would bring up the night before and dread filled his heart.

"Why do you always ask that, Lovino?" Why did he keep saying his name all the damn time? "Does one have to want something to speak with someone?" Antonio switched his shopping basket between his hands and waited for Lovino's reply, eyes shining between his locks of brown curls.

"No, but there isn't any other reason _you_ would want to talk to _me_." As soon as he said it he wanted to take it back. Why did he always say the dumbest things? Why would Antonio want to keep talking to him if he started sounding like a whiny brat? Why did he even care that Antonio might stop talking to him?

"Lovino, I want to talk to you because I want to hear what you have to say. I enjoy talking to you!" He sounded completely serious. But how was that possible? It didn't make sense.

Lovino didn't know what to say next. He considered running away again, but knew there was no way with this bulky cart he had to wheel around with him.

So, he was stuck.

And louder than ever his heart beat and faster than ever his chest swirled. Nothing to say. Nowhere to flee.

But then Antonio broke the unbreakable silence. "I best be on my way, but it was nice talking to you, Lovino." His voice was as cheerful and carefree as ever. "I hope we can talk again soon."

And as if it had been the most normal interaction he had ever had with someone, Antonio pushed his cart past his with a smile. As Lovino watched Antonio be the one to walk away this time, he realized that he did not him to go. He _wanted_ to talk to him.

But it was too late now. He had already repeatedly told Antonio that he did not want anything to do with him. Lovino had screwed it up like everything else in his life. Why _would_ Antonio ever want to speak to him again? But, as Lovino went through the check out line he hung onto those last words Antonio had said to him, had said despite Lovino pushing him away and vocalizing his wishes to never talk to the bastard again. _I hope we can talk again soon._

 _-/-_

The rest of the day went by rather dully. Both Feli and Romeo were out with friends and Lovino was stuck at home, listening to Grandpa Roma sing so boisterously that his voice could be heard perfectly from upstairs, through Lovino's closed bedroom door.

This made it hard for Lovino to do anything, really. He tried reading and writing and drawing, but couldn't concentrate. He thought about going downstairs to watch the TV that was rarely available, but knew he wouldn't hear a thing from it in all the noise. In the end he settled for putting his earphones in at full blast and try to work on some of the summer work his new school had assigned.

That evening Feliciano was ecstatic when he got home. Over dinner he told them that Kiku's eldest brother -who acted much more like a mother to him and his many siblings- had driven them all to the mall. Kiku's brother had driven his party home early but Ludwig and him had gotten a ride with Ludwig's brother, Gilbert. It sounded like a pretty normal afternoon, but for some reason Feliciano was even more excited than his usual self, which is saying something.

Lovino didn't find out the real reason for this until later that evening when he heard a soft knock on his bedroom door. When Lovino opened the door it turned out unsurprisingly to be Feliciano; Feli was the only one to ever knock this late at night and Lovino stood back and let him in.

"Can't sleep?" Lovino asked. Feliciano sometimes had a hard time getting to sleep when he was thinking about too many things. Usually Lovino could help by just listening.

Feli nodded but he still had the same wide excited eyes from the dinner table. At least whatever was keeping him awake couldn't be all that bad and the lack of sleep hadn't taken a toll on his energy yet. Lovino usually worried when that happened.

They both sat on Lovino's bed, Feliciano preparing himself to speak and Lovino ready to listen.

Finally, Feliciano said the words that in no way Lovino would have ever been prepared to hear. "I have a boyfriend."

In all the right ways Feli looked absolutely ebullient. In all the wrong ways, he looked uneasy and stressed.

Though thrown off guard, Lovino was quick to shed his confusion and throw on the smile he only used when it was just Feliciano around. "Really?" Lovino had never been good with this stuff, but he knew he had to show his brother his support.

Feli's smile grew a bit more and his stress waned. He nodded silently.

"Who is it?" Lovino suddenly grew protective though he already had a suspicion who it could be.

"Ludwig."

"The Potato Bastard? If he hurts you-"

"Ludwig would never!" Feliciano defended.

Lovino just nodded. The German seemed like a well enough guy, but he still didn't like him. He looked at Feliciano who looked just a tad nervous now. He wanted his approval. Feliciano cared what Lovino thought of his decision to be with this boy.

So, Lovino smiled. That was what Feli needed and, if anyone, he certainly deserved it. Lovino trusted this Ludwig enough at the moment and he sure as hell trusted his brother. "I'm happy for you, Feli."

Feliciano looked back at his brother and his smile came back. "Thank you, Lovino!"

His brother's eyes held the same light as they always did and Lovino was happy. Feliciano deserved happiness. "Now can you get some sleep?"

Feli was already looking tired, but that had nothing on the intense smile he gave Lovino in good night.

The Vargas family had never been ones for much sleep, but that night, sleep was kind to them. Romeo lay snoozing in front of the television downstairs where no one bothered to move him from anymore. Grandpa Roma had long been asleep in his own bed, dreaming of his younger days and of times where his family was still whole. Feliciano fell easily to sleep with his thoughts at rest and a carefree smile on his face.

As for Lovino, he curled in his blankets in an uneventful slumber until late morning where he was woken by his family preparing a late brunch. He hadn't had a single dream and his night had been a pitch black abyss of unconsciousness. But, then again, that was Lovino's favorite kind of sleep, after all.


	3. Chapter 3

The Saturday before school started the Vargas family woke up early. It would be a long drive, but there was a silent agreement that it would not change their annual visit to his mother's grave. The four of them dressed in black, as was customary for the anniversary, and all packed into the car for the ride. Feliciano kept Roma company in the front and Romeo drifted back to sleep in the far back. But, this day marked silence for Lovino and the whole ride he watched out the window as the clouds drifted and the trees sped past.

By mid-day they had arrived in their old town. The town he had lived in for seven years until a month ago when they had moved into the suburbs they lived now. It was also the town his and Feli's mother had grown up in and where Grandpa Roma's wife had passed away. On their way to the cemetery, they picked up their mother's favorite flowers from the florist they always went to. The woman behind the counter had handed them the dozen with sad, knowing eyes and Roma had managed to smile when he took them. A bundle of white Lilies. They really were beautiful. They suited their mother nicely.

Then Lovino was standing in front of her grave. While he was sure Feli had probably said something meaningful when he had stood there, something about how life was and how much he missed her, all Lovino could do was stand in silence. He didn't make a sound, but he did close his eyes.

They spent that night at a hotel in town. It was odd being in a hotel when their home was such a short way away. Then again, it wasn't their home anymore. Everyone went out that evening, leaving Lovino alone in the their rented room. Feli and Romeo had gone to meet up with some old friends and Roma had no doubt gone off to remember old memories of this town in peace. Lovino didn't want to remember anything that day, though. He didn't want to feel anything and he didn't want to say anything.

 _Do not make a sound. Not one._

-/-

The next day they made the trip back and by evening they were at the house. _Not home, though._ He felt like everyone was thinking.

Lovino had to get away from his family that evening. He couldn't handle the normality that had come over them at returning, as if yesterday hadn't even happened, so Lovino deemed it safe enough with the receding social atmosphere in the neighborhood to take a walk, something he had not done since the first time they had left their old town. After clearing his whereabouts with Roma, who was then preparing a pizza with Feliciano as their summer's Last Supper, he was out the door and down the walkway.

Surprisingly, he found himself turning right, into the streets that would take him deeper into the subdivision instead of left where the sidewalk would take him to the mouth of the neighborhood and the park.

Only a few houses down did he realize his mistake when he saw the house that was coming up across the street. It was a simple beige home with dark shutters and a peaceful looking front porch with a mounted porch swing. His clear mind muddled and the numbness that had come over him from yesterday retracted from his thoughts. His heart leaped into his throat when he caught sight of the serene and supposedly sleeping face of the Spanish bastard on the porch's swing.

Lovino quickly snapped his eyes away, stuck his hands in his pockets self-consciously, and continued to walk, taking up one simple plea in his thoughts. _Please don't see me. Please, don't wake up._

He should have turned back right then. It would have been easier to sneak back to his house now rather than later, when he would have to pass back by on his way home when the bastard could possibly be awake, right? If he turned back then, he could recluse back into the solidarity of his room and pretend he hadn't just seen the intriguing face of that sleeping Spaniard.

As soon as he thought it he felt his neck flush red. He turned on his heels, hoping to flee to his house and leave these thoughts far behind, but, as soon as he started to stride away, he caught sight of the one thing he had been pleading not to happen.

The damn bastard had woken up and he was standing at the porch railing, looking right at him.

"Shit." He meant to have said it as a curse, but when it came out soft and breathy it held none of its original meaning behind it. He then wanted to curse himself for not being able to properly curse this bastard, but Antonio grabbed his attention again.

He waved wildly shouting, "Hi, Lovino!", as if Lovino hadn't noticed the idiot already. Lovino wondered again why Antonio persisted in being so nice to him. In every conversation they had spoken to each other, Lovino was always telling him to shut up and go away, yet Antonio never seemed swayed by it.

Before Lovino realized it, Antonio was on his way over. When he did realize it, he still didn't move. He waited until Antonio had crossed the road and was on the same sidewalk as him.

Lovino almost asked, 'What do you want, bastard?', but stopped himself, remembering Antonio's words from the week prior. _Does one have to want something to speak with someone?_ Lovino then promptly realized he had nothing else to say and stayed silent.

"Hello, Lovino." Antonio greeted him again with the same crazy smile.

"Hello..." Lovino replied carefully, lamely.

"How are you today?"

"Fine." The one worded reply made him flinch. Why couldn't he come up with something more interesting to say?

"That's great! Would you mind it if I accompanied you on your walk? I really should get out and stretch my legs! Porch swings aren't the most comfortable things to take _siestas_ on, you know." Antonio's request was casual enough, but it still caused the swirling feeling in Lovino's chest to tighten.

"Whatever. I don't care what you do." Lovino continued to walk, paying no heed to if Antonio accompanied or not. When he did notice Antonio walking beside him, though, his chest suddenly developed the crushing feeling of squeezing in on itself. The fact that he could never control these feelings around Antonio sure as hell frustrated him.

"So, Lovino," Lovino thought to himself briefly that the way Antonio said his name differed somehow from how others said it. And he said it way too damn often. What was it that made him think that? He didn't have long to ponder on the question, though. "Are you looking forward to school tomorrow?"

His gut suddenly clenched and he wished he could close off his ears, run away, anything but talk about the first day of school. Anything but the next day. Sure, he just felt like a silly child not wanting to go to school, but his fear stayed firm and his thoughts threatened to breach unstable barriers he had always had difficulty putting up.

Maybe Antonio noted his discomfort or maybe he just couldn't stand a quiet moment because he continued with the conversation naturally.

"To be honest, I'm a bit nervous myself." Lovino was relieved, but looked up in surprise. He found Antonio's statement hard to believe. "Not much for classes; everyone says Senior year is the easiest in academics." he shrugged. "But it's my last year of high school. The last year I'll be with these people. It's a bit overwhelming, don't you think?

"I guess." Lovino actually didn't know. At his old school he had always been ignored. It wasn't from people just not noticing him, though. People just found it easier to notice Feliciano instead. The nice one. The pleasant one. The fun one to be around.

"I suppose since you just moved here it must not be the same to you. What about when you left your old school? How long were you there for?"

"What is this? The story of my life?" Lovino grumbled, wishing the subject away.

" _Lo siento_ , Lovino." To Lovino's surprise, Antonio changed the topic. "So, will you be riding the bus tomorrow?"

"Um, yeah?" Lovino replied. Their family only had the one car, so it stayed with Roma throughout the day.

Antonio's eyes brightened. "Perhaps we can sit next to each other!"

"Wait, you take the bus?" Lovino thought that Antonio seemed like the kind of guy that even without a car of his own he would have plenty of friends that could pick him up.

"A lot of the time. Sometimes Gilbert will take me, but most often he sleeps in until he has five minutes to get ready and drive to school." Antonio chuckled. "I don't know how he does it."

"Francis doesn't drive? Or any of your other friends?"

Antonio shook his head. "Francis does not have a car and honestly, I don't know anyone else well enough to ask for a ride." Antonio looked over. "Besides, I would not be able to see you if I caught a ride with someone else."

Lovino's eyes widened and his cheeks burned. He snapped his head down to fix his stare at the sidewalk. Antonio made such silly comments and it really should have pissed him off. But it didn't...

Luckily, Lovino was saved from his awkward dip into silence when they stopped in front of his house.

"I, um," Lovino stumbled over the words, "I have to go inside." There it was. Lovino was running away again. He wanted to smack himself.

"Okay." Antonio said easily. "I will see you tomorrow then, yes?" he said happily.

"Okay." Lovino agreed, wanting to flee, yet looking forward to it already. He turned and started up the walkway. He paused at the door and looked back to where Antonio waved goodbye. Antonio then turned on the sidewalk and strolled back up the street in the direction of his own house.

Lovino wanted to stand there and watch him until he disappeared, but shooed away the feelings with a shake of his head.

After closing the door behind him he realized the normal dread for the first day of school was accompanied by something he hadn't felt in years, hadn't felt since kindergarten to be exact. The dread was as strong as every other year, but there was also the smallest feeling, Lovino realized, that he might have been looking forward to the next day.

-/-

When the next morning came he changed his mind. He did not want to go anywhere at this ungodly time. Not for Grandpa Roma who had gotten up early to see them out on their first day. Not for Feliciano who was jumping from room to room gathering last-minute supplies he had forgotten for school and causing Lovino to flinch every time he emitted another loud noise. And especially not the damn bastard up the street he would soon see at the bus stop.

This glimmer of thought on Antonio woke him just a smudge more. Almost enough to where he could stop drifting off every two seconds. Almost.

As he waited for his brother to finally be ready, Lovino sat at the kitchen table with his backpack in the next chair, a to-go mug of coffee in one hand rested on the table, and his head resting on the other hand while he drifted half asleep.

"Lovino, what are you doing drifting off to sleep?" His Grandpa's booming voice was enough to startle him awake. "It's the first day of school! Show some more enthusiasm!"

Feliciano rushed into the room then. "Okay, I think I'm ready!"

"Good!" Roma's attention shifted to Feli. "Wouldn't want to be late on the first day!"

Lovino stood up and grabbed his book bag off of the chair. He scooped his coffee off the table and shrugged his bag onto one shoulder as he rounded the table and headed for the door.

Feli followed behind him energetically, showing he had no problem with being up this early. Before Lovino could throw open the door and escape what he knew was coming, their Grandpa had them both wrapped into a grand hug. "Have a good day, my boys!" And after releasing them, Lovino finally made his escape. He knew what Roma wanted to say. He could hear the underlying meaning beneath the heartfelt embrace. What he had meant to say, what he meant every year, was _Good luck_.

Lovino knew he needed it. This day always reminded him of things he would much rather forget, no matter it being the exact day or not. Pushing the thoughts aside, Lovino strode ahead of his brother to the bus stop at the end of the road where he saw many people had arrived ahead of them.

Right when they got there, Feli ran to the Potato Bastard, who stood next to a straight-backed, dark-haired man who had glasses and a beauty mark. He didn't seem like the type of person at all to ride in public transportation. Feli's other friend didn't seem to be there, nor any of the kid's siblings. Someone must have given them all a ride. There was a guy with wild hair and a scar on his forehead standing next to a girl with short blonde hair with a green ribbon tied to pull it back and there were two guys that sat beside each other on the curb who looked identical other than a wild curl of blonde hair that sprung from the quieter one's head. Lovino vaguely recognized them as the two brothers that lived across the street from them.

Lovino soon realized who he had been looking for when he didn't find him at the bus stop. He told himself not to be disappointed; of course Antonio wouldn't be there.

Lovino now felt slightly uncomfortable standing there by himself, and took a sip of his hot coffee to cool himself down.

Soon the sound of a loud engine could be heard down the road and the two blondes sitting on the curb stood up. As the bus slowed to a stop and everyone started to board, Lovino suddenly heard the sound of hurried footsteps on pavement. Lovino turned to see someone running late for the bus. It was Antonio.

Lovino raised his eyebrows, ignoring how his heart leapt involuntarily, amused that the bastard could be late on the first day of school. Just as Lovino, the last person in line to board, reached the steps of the bus Antonio fell into line behind him.

"Hello, Lovino!" He still managed to sound enthusiastic as he struggled to catch his breath. The run seemed to only have amused him as well. "Sorry I am late. I did much the same last year too." He chuckled.

Lovino just rolled his eyes. "Whatever, bastard."

Lovino picked a seat towards the middle of the bus and, as he scooted to the window, he heard behind him, "May I sit with you, Lovi?"

Lovino spun around. "Don't call me that!" He hissed, looking around to see if anyone had noticed Antonio using the silly pet name his family often referred to him by.

This only proved to amuse Antonio more and a smirk quirked on his lips. "I am sorry, Lovino." He made it a point to use his full name this time. He stood in the aisle waiting for Lovino's response to the question.

"Sit, bastard. You're holding up the bus!" Lovino gripped his coffee as Antonio sat down beside him.

Antonio sat silently beside him and, after a few minutes of silence, Lovino was slightly surprised at how long Antonio could go without saying anything.

Finally, Lovino was the one to break the silence. "Your friend couldn't pick you up today?"

Antonio laughed. "No. As much as _I myself_ slept in, he is probably still asleep at this moment."

Lovino nodded and neither of them said anything else. Lovino knew he himself was too tired to keep the conversation up and got the feeling that Antonio felt the same. Lovino knew of only one person able to keep up a real conversation this early in the morning and that was his brother, Feliciano, who could find conversation anywhere, any time, any how. Lovino wondered how the poor German felt at that moment with Feli spewing words twenty miles an hour at him. Looking at him, his face looked pretty blank, but through the darkness somehow, Lovino could see a hint of amusement in the German's eyes.

Lovino returned his eyes to his own seat and found Antonio looking at him. "What?" Lovino demanded, but Antonio just smiled.

Lovino huffed and shifted his gaze again to peer out the window. The morning was still dark and none of the houses they passed had any lights on. It was even too soon to be getting ready for work. For most, that was.

A blinding flash spilled across the window in a sign that should have told Lovino that some people were up for work after all. Lovino did not think this though.

The flash had unwillingly breached the lock in his mind that he forbade himself from going into; that he didn't let himself think about until it forced itself known over and over. It had been calm for a while now, but Lovino knew it would have come out sooner or later. He was paralyzed as his memories forced themselves upon him.

The taste of strawberry was still in his mouth. His mother hid him under his bed. A shrill torturous scream rang through the room and he heard the thud of something hitting the floor. Right in front of him. Close enough for him to reach.

"Lovino?" He was still cold and terrified from the flashback, but Lovino came back to reality when he felt his shoulder being shaken. The bus had stopped moving. They were in front of the school and Antonio was trying to get his attention so they could exit the bus.

Lovino shook his head trying to shake off his fright. Now he was just dizzy and confused. How did he end up here? Where was his mother? What had made that loud thump? Why was it so silent when his ears were ringing so loudly and his vision was tinged at the edges with darkness?

When the present hit him his first instinct was to find if his brother had noticed. Feliciano always got so worried when he found that Lovino had zoned out for even a brief moment. Even if he was only thinking of a math problem or what they would be eating for dinner, Feli always jumped to the conclusion that he was remembering.

But Feliciano had already left the bus, not noticing how still and death-like Lovino had gotten in those- What, five minutes? Ten? How long was this damn bus ride?

"Lovino?" Antonio's voice was beginning to sound worried. He looked over at him.

"Sorry," Lovino shook his head, "I must have zoned out." Before Antonio could question his mental state like his brother usually would, Lovino stood up and passed Antonio who was standing in the aisle.

He exited the bus hoping to leave Antonio's questioning stare behind him, but Antonio caught up and started walking with him.

"So," He seemed to be in the mood now for conversation, "who's class do you have first on this beautiful Monday morning?"

Unfortunately, he always seemed to get math the first thing in the morning. "Johnson." he rambled off the common name and was surprised when Antonio knew exactly what he was talking about.

"Ms. Johnson's AP Calculus class? My, Lovino! I didn't take you for a math whiz!"

Lovino took offense. "So, I look stupid to you?"

Antonio's eye widened. "No, not at all! Actually, you seem like the kind of person who could be in any class you wanted to... I just didn't think you would be the type to really be into math."

He wasn't wrong, really. Math sure wasn't his favorite subject, but then again, he didn't really have a favorite subject.

"Whatever." Lovino replied and quickened his pace. Antonio matched his.

"So, what did you normally do before class started at your old school?" Antonio wondered.

Lovino thought back to just a couple of months ago when he had still gone to his small tight-knit school where he had last lived. Lovino and Feli walked to school then, but even with the flexibility that gave them, Feliciano always wanted to get to school early so he could socialize with his friends. During the time before school Lovino usually caught up on homework or slept at his desk if his teacher's room was open. Could he do the same here? Would he need to excuse himself so Antonio didn't feel obligated to stick around to help the new kid?

"Um, usually just sleep, I guess." Lovino answered truthfully.

Antonio nodded. "The bell will ring soon. Do you know the way to your class?"

Lovino's pace slowed. He actually didn't. He had no clue where he was going. "No."

Antonio brightened. "That is alright! I will show you the way!"

When they arrived it was a minute until the bell would ring. Lovino said his thanks quickly hoping he had not caused Antonio to be late to his class -on the first day of school no less.

Antonio smiled and took his time saying, "It was my pleasure, Lovi!" Before spinning and sprinting down the hall with a mad grin plastered across his face. It happened so quickly that Lovino didn't notice until Antonio had turned into the next hall that he had used his nickname again.

On impulse, Lovino shouted down the hall, "Don't call me that, bastard!" and hoped no teachers or administrators had heard. He ducked into his classroom just as the bell rang leaving himself to believe that Antonio had, in fact, been late to class.

 _Idiota_. Lovino thought, not sure if he was referring to stupid Antonio for insisting on walking him to class or himself who had let him.

-/-

The rest of the week went about much the same. He depended on coffee in the morning to keep him awake. He sat in content silence on the bus and Antonio sat beside him. He went about his classes normally day-to-day until it was time for the ride home which proved a lot different from the rides in the mornings with all sorts of strange conversations where Antonio would have fascinating and hilarious things to say and Lovino would have none.

Lovino didn't laugh and pretended to not be amused by any of the things Antonio said, but Antonio wasn't dissuaded in the least and Lovino found this mostly a relief. He didn't want Antonio to realize what a waste of time he was. As selfish as it was, he didn't want Antonio to move on. The swirling feeling in Lovino's chest was still there when Antonio was around and he was afraid what that feeling could turn into if Antonio were to finally realize what a lost cause he was.

But some part of him wanted his school days to go back to how they had been in his other school. The solitude had a certain feeling of normalcy and comfort to him. Alone he could pretend so many things didn't bother him and ignore the looks people gave him when he zoned out again and again, immersed in the memory of something he desperately wished he would forget.

On the last night of the week until the weekend began and he would be free from the horrors of waking so early in the mornings, his old memory reemerged in a nightmare.

He woke up panting and scrambling around in his blankets, afraid of what might be lurking in the shadows of his room. It took him a few moments to settle down enough to find his lamp and turn it on. Only after his room was bathed in the dim light was he able to lay still on his back taking in gulps of air and hoping for the images to go away. To just _please, go away._

Only when his breathing finally slowed to normal and the remnants of the horrible memory slid back behind the walls of his mind was he able to think clearly. He was still shaking in his covers and considered for a crazy minute going to see if Feliciano was awake. Feli came in there all the time from nightmares, but if Feliciano was asleep Lovino knew it was better it to be kept that way. Feliciano had enough trouble getting to sleep as it was.

Besides, Lovino didn't want anyone to know he had woken from a nightmare, especially one about this. They would just worry that he was ill again. They all did quite the fine job of hiding it, but all his family ever did was worry. He couldn't add to it. Not when they had a fresh start here. Not when everyone seemed so happy at the moment.

So, Lovino willed himself, unsuccessfully, back to sleep, fully aware that any fatigue he might have had, was now gone. As he stared up at the ceiling of his bedroom, still bathed in the soft light of his lamp, he prayed to anyone who would listen to make the nightmares go away and to help him forget.


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning he fell asleep on the bus. He had not had a pleasant rest of his night after he had woken up and was exhausted.

So, just like the beginning of the week, he was being shaken awaken to leave the bus. Antonio didn't seem to mind, but Lovino still felt embarrassed. His embarrassment was overcome by the strange feeling in his chest, though, when after stepping off the bus the first thing that Antonio said was, "You look so cute when you are asleep, Lovino!"

Lovino looked up in surprise. "W-what?"

Antonio's eyes sparkled, and he still had on the same uncontrollable smile. He continued along as if what he had just said hadn't made the swirling in Lovino's chest explode into a full-scale monsoon.

Lovino trailed along as Antonio continued to walk, pushing the overwhelming feeling down and trying to remain calm. Act normal.

"I believe this is where we part." Antonio announced when he stopped at the corner where they normally split. Ever since the first day, when Antonio had been late to class, they had started to part earlier. Antonio hadn't minded being late in the slightest, though. He claimed to have been late all the time last year when he would miss the bus nearly everyday, but Lovino wasn't going to have Antonio's attendance record plummet because of him.

Antonio smiled at him and Lovino felt the need to say something- anything- before they parted. "Why are you doing this?" Lovino blurted out and cursed himself. Definitely not the kind of thing he'd had in mind.

"Doing what?" Antonio asked cheerfully.

"Talking to me." Lovino said simply. He shouldn't have said that. He could have stopped this conversation then and there, but instead he had kept talking.

Antonio's gleeful smile dropped and he momentarily looked very confused. "Wh-" He looked at Lovino with his puzzled expression. "I enjoy talking to you, Lovino." He said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

It was Lovino's turn to be confused. "But, why? I don't have anything interesting to say and you've got plenty of friends you could talk to instead. I doubt I'm the only one on that bus you could sit with."

"But I don't want to sit with anyone else. You are very interesting to talk to and the things I have heard you say are actually some of the most interesting I've heard in a long time. The people around here," He motioned around with his hands, " all they talk about is who's dating who and what parties are happening. It's all very trivial. The thoughts that go through your mind, though, are so much deeper. So much realer."

Lovino wanted to shrug the ridiculous notions off, but he couldn't seem to speak.

Antonio continued in a lower voice, "So, why would I _not_ want to talk to you?"

Then the bell rang.

Lovino's eyes flashed up to the ceiling, his cheeks burning intensely. "Shit." He cursed. They were late.

His eyes met back with Antonio's who then asked cordially, smirking and eyes aglow, "May I walk you to class?"

"You're insane." Lovino stated, fighting a smirk and nerves still sizzling with the stress from the previous conversation. He still didn't believe all of what Antonio had said.

"Yes, an insane man with a plan." Antonio's grin widened and he waggled his eyebrows which almost caused Lovino to laugh.

"You have class to get to." Lovino pointed out only to have it rebutted again.

Antonio shrugged. "I'm already late. A few minutes more will not hurt."

Lovino rolled his eyes. "Stupid Spaniard." But, despite this statement, he let Antonio accompany him down the hall.

After Lovino had gotten off the bus he felt his sleepiness start to seep away. He had survived countless sleepless nights before, so he was accustomed to coping. He walked down the hall with Antonio feeling only a slight ache in his muscles who were still mad at his lack of sleep. Antonio was making the smallest of talk with Lovino until they finally arrived at the door to Lovino's first period.

Lovino felt the need to say something again. "Hopefully, the teacher won't be too mad."

"Well, if she is, I'll see you at the attendance office." Antonio winked.

Lovnino rolled his eyes. "Get to class."

Antonio paused only once more. "I will see you on the bus this afternoon, then." Then Lovino went into his classroom, ready to escape Antonio's voice and to hopefully try to act like a normal person for the rest of the day.

-/-

The first week, teachers always cut the students slack, so, no, they did not see each other in the attendance office.

This outcome disappointed Antonio, but did not surprise him. It was like this every year and on Monday he hadn't been told to go to the office either. Not even today when he was severely late did the teacher do anything but wave him to his seat.

Antonio was alright with it, though. He knew he would find those amber eyes waiting on the bus for him that afternoon with his usual eye roll and scowl. He imagined what they might talk about. How he would laugh when Lovino would look at him like he was crazy. How Lovino would fold his arms and look out the window until Antonio asked him another question that would draw him away from the passing scenery. How he would look over with his hair slightly blowing about because it was still warm enough outside that people insisted on keeping a few windows pulled down.

His thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the sound of his two best friends, who had (mistakenly and terribly on behalf of the teacher) been put in the same science class.

" _Mon ami_! I wonder whoever you could be daydreaming so deeply about!" Francis teased. "Could it be-" He gasped dramatically, placing a hand to his chest and turning to Gilbert, "Our Toni's _in love_?!"

" _Mein gott_ , Francis! Do we always have to go back to the _love_ thing with you?" Gilbert said and Antonio was slightly relieved for the change in conversation. If it went the usual way Francis would respond with-

"Everything is love! How can we not talk about love when it is everywhere?" Francis exclaimed, confirming Antonio's thoughts. But Francis continued, "Besides, all _Antonio_ can talk about lately is his new _friend_ that we have not even gotten the chance to meet yet. And now he does not even hear when we are scheming our next great escapade, the first one, might I add, in our glorious last year here!"

Gilbert looked over at Antonio. "Sorry, man. He's got a point."

Now they were both looking at Antonio. "Um," He wasn't quite sure what they wanted him to say, "So, this escapade..."

"Not relevant anymore." Francis said with a flip of his hand and leaned closer. "When do we meet this _friend_ of yours?"

Antonio wanted to break it to him that they had, in fact, already met Lovi, but the thought of them being able to seek him out whenever they wanted and possibly screw this whole thing up kept him from saying so. What was "this whole thing" exactly, though? What was he hoping would happen with him and Lovino?

Antonio just shook his head and just like that his friends backed off. Very uncharacteristic of them, but Antonio didn't want to question it.

"So, as we were asking before, we're staying after school for it. You in?" Gilbert asked as if the interruption hadn't even taken place.

"I don't know..." Antonio responded, imagining Lovino sitting alone on the bus without him.

"Come on, Toni! This is the perfect opportunity! And aren't you the one always going on about how this is our last year to do all this shit?" Gilbert insisted.

Antonio's heart ached at the thought that he wouldn't see Lovino until Monday if he did this, but he looked at his friends and realized he had no choice.

Antonio smirked, but his heart wasn't quite into it. "Okay." He agreed and his friends high-fived. Francis then started complaining that Gilbert's high-five had been too hard for his "beautiful and delicate hands."

Antonio shook his head; he was wondering if there was some way for him to let Lovino know he wouldn't be on the bus this afternoon, but knew he wouldn't see Lovino at all for the rest of the day.

Antonio sighed and started scribbling on the worksheet in front of him.

-/-

When Lovino boarded the bus that afternoon the jumpy, swirly feeling in his chest was making itself more and more apparent.

Lovino slid into the seat and watched out the window waiting to catch Antonio in the corner of his eye as he boarded the bus. Person after person boarded. He caught sight of the brashier of the two blonde look-a-likes enter and make his way to the back and saw the girl with the green ribbon as well. Feli and the Potato Bastard boarded and took their normal seat to the right.

Kiku's youngest brother boarded and took a seat further back. Most of Kiku's siblings rode the bus now. Feli had said that their older brother drove them the first day, but now drove to pick up his Russian boyfriend every morning.

Kiku was actually the last to board the bus, hurrying to take his seat behind Feliciano's. They made an odd trio and Lovino wasn't sure who was the third wheel most of the time, Ludwig or Kiku. One thing was for sure, though, Feliciano was always the center (and sometimes the only source) of the group's conversation.

In only seconds did the bus start to roll away and Lovino was struck with the information presented by the empty seat next to him. Antonio was not coming.

Lovino deflated into his seat, hunching over and bringing his attention back to the window. Of course Antonio would have had better things to do. He wouldn't waste his time riding the bus when he had friends. Why would he pay any attention to someone like Lovino? Why had Lovino let his hopes up in the first place?

Lovino felt his heart stutter as the realization hit him of what a lie Antonio's words that morning had been. At his first moment, Antonio had found a way to get away from him and Lovino shouldn't have expected any different.

Lovino felt his unmistakable stress rise. It was alright, though. He knew how to cope with his stress most times and if he couldn't, he could always just hide it.

-/-

Antonio watched the buses leave from a second story window. There was one particular bus his gaze was on, though, and he watched it as it turned the corner out of the school.

"Antonio, get over here and help us with this, will you?" Gilbert's voice came from across the room.

"Okay, okay." Antonio turned when the bus disappeared from sight to help his friends with duct taping their science teacher's chair. This wouldn't be the only chair redecorated that afternoon, but it was the start.

Antonio took a roll of tape and started wrapping the wheels of the rolling chair. His friends were working on the back rest and the arms. It was a nice chair.

This was their first prank of their last year of pranking. He was supposed to feel excited and nostalgic and happy to be there with his friends. The prank was nowhere near an extravagant or original one, but it was something they were doing together and something to get in trouble for if they got caught. It was for the fun and the thrill.

But, Antonio didn't feel any of that today. He just felt an overwhelming guilt from leaving Lovino alone and perhaps wondering those same thoughts that he had been thinking this morning. Antonio knew he wouldn't be able to wait until Monday to explain this to him. He decided to meet him sometime this weekend.

"So, Antonio. We're not letting our little conversation from earlier drop." Antonio was surprised when Gilbert was the first to bring it up and his face must have shown it. "What?" Gilbert said defensively. "You can't keep secrets from your awesome friends!"

He was right. Antonio could never keep secrets from his friends. For one, he was terrible at it. He would always act strange and distant enough that they would notice and not stop asking until they had answers. Two, if he couldn't tell his closest friends everything, who could he tell?

He looked up from his taping. "Okay." He meant to sound as if he had resigned himself in finally telling them, but actually managed to sound like an excited school girl.

They were both listening closely now. "Do you remember when we watched _Who Framed Roger Rabbit_ at Gil's house with Feli and Ludwig? And afterwards I had to run home to take out the garbage or Afonso would likely kick my ass?"

Francis gasped. "You were actually rendevousing with your secret lover?"

Francis always managed to make things more dramatic than they actually were, but then again, Antonio was one to talk. He snorted and shook his head. "No, no. I was catching up with Lovino, Feliciano's brother. You remember him, right?"

Their eyes widened. "The really grumpy looking one?" Gilbert asked.

"He sat next to me when we watched the movie." Francis remembered.

Antonio beamed knowing his friends had the right one, not taking much offense to the first comment because that's just how Gilbert was. "We should have asked sooner!" Francis said then. "I hadn't realized we had already met him!"

Now was Antonio's time to be worried. "You won't do anything-"

Gilbert broke in. "Of course not, Toni! Whatever do you think we would do?" He had a scary mischievous glint in his eyes.

"Oh, I must meet him again! You must introduce us, Antonio; I want to meet your new boyfriend!"

 _Dios mio_. Antonio thought. Of course this would happen. They wanted to butt in and no doubt embarrass him in the process. He groaned and placed his head in his hand.

"He is not my boyfriend, Francis, and I am starting to think that introducing you would be a bad idea. Besides, you've already met him."

"But I must, _mon ami_! For the sake of love!"

"I am not _in love_ , Francis." Antonio chuckled at Francis being Francis. "We just talk on the bus."

"On the bus?" Francis exclaimed. "But you did not take the bus today! Whatever will dear Lovino think of you? Please, tell me you at least told him beforehand you would not be making it?"

"Um..."

Gilbert butted in. "Francis, what sane person would think twice about something like that? Antonio didn't take the bus for a single day. Give it a rest."

Francis and Gilbert then went about arguing about it which eventually turned into another conversation that Antonio decided to stay out of and continued stretching the silver duct tape to the legs of the chair.

When they were done with that chair, they moved down the hall decorating the rest of the science teachers' chairs how they pleased.

-/-

That weekend didn't turn out to be the chance Lovino had been hoping it would be for him to catch up on sleep. He knew exactly why the start of the school year affected him this way, but for some reason this time it came back faster and stronger. Almost every night the next week he had nightmares. Most of them ended up being sleepless ones.

These were the times Feli and Roma kept a close eye on him. Even Romeo was old enough to have picked up on the familial habit. So many eyes were on him. So many to watch when he broke.

He usually did well hiding it, though. The past few years he had convinced his family that he was doing fine, getting better even. They were hardly ever suspicious anymore and Lovino usually could handle whatever it was on his own.

Until now. Now he was rapidly getting worse.

That week his stress had only increased. The nightmares and hiding his fatigue from his family wore on his already exhausted days. Homework was increasing and his sleep was decreasing. He fell asleep in class constantly and the only thing that kept his grades up was working on homework late into the night when he was afraid to fall asleep. He had woken up from nightmares laying on his desk as many times as in his bed.

On Monday, Antonio had told him why he hadn't been on the bus that Friday and Lovino had pretended indifference, but he was still somehow worried. About what he couldn't be sure, but being around Antonio made him feel uneasy yet at rest all at once. He knew he should feel frustrated just thinking about it, but it was hard to feel anything but his utter exhaustion now-a-days.

The next Saturday, after a week-long exhaustion and another fitful night of sleep, Lovino groggily decided to take a walk. What had been going through his head exactly to prompt this? He wasn't quite sure. It could have been to avoid making his family suspicious by not laying in his bed all day or maybe it could have been that he was much too tired to protest this random decision.

When he left the walkway that led from their front door he subconsciously chose to turn left and walked until he reached the park. Surprisingly, the park was devoid of all visitors.

Lovino zombie-walked over to the pair of swings and sat down tiredly. He was safe from his family's would be concerned glances while he was here. He almost drifted to sleep many times slumped in that swing. Once he almost fell off the thing.

 _What am I doing?_ His thoughts started to protest. _I should be home right now._

 _What,_ He argued back. _So your family can worry about your apparent lack of sleep?_

 _I could just hibernate in my room for a while until dinner. By then I might have enough energy to pretend that I'm completely fine._

 _No, you wouldn't be able to get a lick of sleep. You won't even be able to simply rest lest you accidentally fall asleep. And this time you might even wake up screaming and Feli and Roma and Romeo would definitely know what was going on._

Lovino hadn't had a night terror in years... but, no, it was best to just stay here.

So Lovino continued to doze off barely hanging off the swing awkwardly. He swung back and forth slightly to keep his feet busy. To give his body enough action to stay awake, but his consciousness was slowing slipping again. His body was relaxing and he was peacefully accepting the bliss of unconsciousness that was washing over him before a Spanish accent startled him and he fell off the swing.

"Lovino?" Antonio's voice was unmistakable. He sounded excited and pleased to have come across Lovino. He chuckled slightly when Lovino looked up from where he had landed on his knees on the ground, but his tone suddenly shifted when he saw Lovino's face. He now sounded concerned. Damn it. "Lovino..." Damn it.

Lovino threw up a pretense of normalcy. He planted a scowl on his face and crossed his arms making sure his feet were firmly planted on the ground so he wouldn't make a fool of himself by falling over again. He decided the best way to prevent that was to sit back down on the swing. He was too tired to stand anyway.

"What are you doing here?" Lovino asked, demanding that his voice to remain steady. It wasn't only the sleepiness affecting him now; the swirling had appeared in his chest again. Worthless confusing feelings.

"I wanted to take a walk." Antonio smiled and shifted his weight from foot to foot. His expression changed back to concern. "Are you alright, Lovi? You look tired."

Of course he did. He was exhausted.

Lovino didn't even notice that Antonio had referred to him by his silly nick name. "Whatever." He stood up to leave when he realized his legs were not quite on the same page and were not ready to hold his weight. When he stumbled, Antonio materialized at his side to catch him. Lovino's heart jumped into his throat and he shoved himself away.

This resulted in another stumble because, damn it, his body was too tired for this shit, but Lovino righted himself quickly. Now Antonio was really worried.

"Lovino, why don't you let me walk with you back to your house? You look like you could use a rest." Antonio suggested.

Stress rose in his chest. The idea sounded terrible to Lovino. He couldn't go back like this. He needed rest before he went back. He needed time to gather himself enough to pretend that nothing was wrong.

"Just go away, bastard." Lovino mumbled not sure what to do anymore. The stress rose. He didn't want Antonio to see him like this either. Why did Antonio have to find him like this? It was almost as bad as Feli finding him like this. Maybe worse because Feliciano had seen him like this before.

"Lovi-" Antonio started to protest. To try to persuade Lovino to let him help him back, but Lovino cut him off.

"No!" The sleep deprivation had certainly taken his ability to measure the appropriate reaction for the situation, but all he felt was the panic of not wanting to go back. He couldn't let them see him. He didn't want Antonio to see him like this. He just wanted to be somewhere else where he could be alone and bring himself back together. Force himself out of this silly stupor he couldn't get out of. "I can't go back like this! I can't- I can't..." He shook his head as if to further the point.

Lovino knew he was making a complete fool of himself, yet he couldn't take back the fatigue influenced words. He didn't know what to do. He didn't know where to go. How had it become this bad?

"Lovino," Antonio spoke quietly, soothingly. "We can go back to my house and you can sleep there. Is that better? Would that be okay?"

Lovino didn't know what to do. He was overwhelmed. He was breaking. He wanted to shake his head insistently, denying himself from going with Antonio anywhere, not wanting Antonio to see him breakdown. But he didn't see any better ideas. Antonio wouldn't just leave him out here alone, not when he had already seen him breaking down like this. He would tell his family.

So Lovino stood mutely, conflicting thoughts circling his head until Antonio reached out and took his hand. "It's okay, Lovi." He said softly. "It's okay."

Lovino resisted at first, but, before he knew it, Antonio was leading him away from the park gently. Lovino walked dazedly until he came back to himself enough to register the warmth of Antonio's hand. He folded his fingers inward so that their hands would remain locked and the warmness of Antonio's hand seeped into the skin of his palm.

When they passed the Vargas house Antonio slowed enough to leave room for Lovino to change his mind, but Lovino instead sped up.

When they came to Antonio's house Lovino finally slowed. "My brother is out for the day. You don't have to worry about running into any people." Antonio assured him and, still feeling awkward and uneasy and _extremely tired_ , Lovino followed him inside.

Lovino could feel sleep creeping up on him and his body was already beginning to shut down. He was only just enough aware to realize when Antonio tucked him into a soft bed and whispered softly, "You can sleep, Lovi."

He didn't have to tell Lovino that, though. He was already drifting off deep deep into sleep.

-/-

He slept peacefully those few hours. When he woke up, he realized "those few hours" had been the rest of the day. The sun was just starting to dip behind the trees and the slightest trace of purple lined the sky.

Lovino continued to lay in the comfortable bed for just a bit longer, content with his rested mind and body, and not just yet ready to trust his legs on the solid ground. He laid for a few peaceful moments until realization dawned on him and everything that had happened before his restful sleep blinked into blinding view.

He had made such a fool of himself and where was he now? At Antonio's!

He suddenly sat up. In Antonio's bed?

Stupid! _Idiota_! He cursed himself in every way he knew how. In every language he knew how. He had freaked out in front of Antonio, possibly the only person outside his family he cared what his opinion of him was. He hadn't wanted him to see this. Even if Antonio didn't care about Lovino in general, Lovino still didn't want Antonio to know this horrible side of his life. At least his family knew what they were dealing with most of the time. It must have freaked the hell out of Antonio.

A knock sounded at the door, breaking Lovino from his destructive thoughts. Antonio popped his head in and seemed surprised to find Lovino awake. He broke into a smile, " _¡Buenos dias!_ " Antonio greeted cheerfully.

Lovino considered commenting on how it hardly seemed to be morning, but stayed silent. Even if he had wanted to, he could not make his lips move at the moment.

Antonio moved slightly into the room. "I was afraid I would have to wake you. It is getting late. We wouldn't want your family getting concerned if you did not return home. That is, if you now want to."

Lovino disregarded the suggestion. His next words were so out of character it startled him and Antonio both. "I'm sorry you had to see that." His eyes stuck to the comforter on the bed as he said it.

A moment of pause ensued, then, "No, no, Lovino." Antonio's cheerful voice was now different. No longer cheerful, but not plain concern either. He was reassuring him. "No, you have nothing to apologize for."

Lovino didn't argue, but he also didn't agree. Of all the things he could have done, freaking out in front of Antonio could have been one of the worst.

Lovino had to explain this incident as quickly and normally as possible so Antonio would not jump to conclusions or worry about Lovino's health like his family so often did. He would not be telling Antonio any specifics, though.

"I didn't sleep very well last night." Well, it wasn't a lie. "I was just tired is all." He started to pull the covers off of himself which left him cold and wanting to snuggle right back in. He swung his legs off instead and proceeded to inconspicuously test them with his weight.

"I'm sorry to hear that. You shouldn't go out when you are that sleepy. It's best to just stay home. Are you sick at all?"

Lovino shook his head. "No, just sleep deprived."

"May I walk you home then?" Antonio asked.

Lovino's head snapped up. "W-why?"

"Well, I would want to make sure you made it home safe. You hardly made it here as it is, but you look much better now that you've had some sleep. Do you feel better at all?"

"Um, yeah." Lovino did feel better. Better than he had in days. "I should probably get going." Lovino pushed his tennis shoes onto his feet, paying no mind that they were tied and difficult to put on.

"Okay, let me just get my own shoes and I will walk with you."

"Don't you have better things to be doing, bastard?" Lovino asked, his demeanour coming back.

Antonio took delight in the words knowing it meant Lovino was feeling at least a bit better. He smiled and fetched his own shoes catching up with Lovino as he exited through the front door.

Antonio walked Lovino home and said a quick goodbye at the end of the walkway in front of the Vargas' house. "Have a good night, Lovi!" Antonio called behind him as he walked to the door. Lovino ignored him. "And, Lovi," Antonio said one last time to get his attention, "If you ever need a peaceful place to rest, please come over."

Lovino didn't plan on it so he replied, avoiding the offer with one familiar statement, "Don't call me that, bastard." But his heart was in his throat. Antonio had invited him to see him again. Sure, it was just an offer for a place to sleep, one that he would most likely need soon, but was definitely not planning to take, but, if anything, he had an excuse for it.

Not that he wanted an excuse to see that bastard. Lovino turned and walked inside his house not turning back until he shut the door.

-/-

Lovino managed to make it up to his room without anyone noticing and proceeded to lay down on his own bed. It was a lot colder than Antonio's and Lovino imagined the nightmares that lurked just below the sheets of it, waiting for him to fall asleep. Lovino scrambled under the covers and pressed the blankets up to his chin. He couldn't fall asleep, so he figured he would just lay there and stare at the closet door across the room.

He didn't need sleep like he had earlier that day, but he still wasn't up to full capacity yet. What he really needed was a good, full-night's sleep.

That was unlikely, though.

He sighed. At least he had gotten a decent amount that afternoon. His skin prickled and his head filled with shame again. _Antonio had seen him break down_. His mind repeated it over and over. He wouldn't stop reminding himself of it.

He couldn't allow that to happen again. _No one_ could know that something was wrong.

There came a knock at the door and Lovino got up to answer it. Roma was there.

"Ah, Lovino!" His Grandpa exclaimed like it was a pleasant surprise to see him as if they didn't live in the same house. "I was wondering when you got home! You must have snuck past your old man when you came in!"

Lovino waited for his Grandpa to cut to the chase. "Anyway," Roma continued, "It is dinner time, so wash up and come down to eat."

"Let me guess. Pasta?" Lovino asked sarcastically.

"Of course! What sort of family do you think this is?" Roma clapped Lovino on the shoulder, and they both headed downstairs for dinner.

"Certainly not a normal one." Lovino mumbled already smelling the tomato sauce from the kitchen. He continued to pretend and his family continued to remain oblivious. Lovino felt relieved.

Maybe he _could_ get through this on his own.

* * *

 _Thank you, everyone! I hope you've all enjoyed the story so far! Still a lot to come!_


	5. Chapter 5

_Hello all! Let me just start by saying oh my gosh thank you everyone who has read this story! Thank you to everyone who has favorited and followed it! And (I should have done this earlier, my apologies but now I have even more people to thank! :) ) thank you to Crocus, BeautifulLoner, Dreamshipper229, Svelis, and Mr/Ms Guest who have taken their time to leave a review! Your kind words have brightened many of my days! I hope you all enjoy the chapter!_

* * *

Sunday came and went with Lovino shutting himself in his room and claiming to be occupied with homework all day. Of course, he did do some homework, but most of the day he actually spent curled up in his bed, exhausted, yet his mind and body were determined to stay awake.

That night, after dinner when everyone had gone their separate ways and into their separate rooms, Lovino lay down again, hoping it would rest him enough so he would not have to sleep that night. Would not have to endure the nightmares.

Of course, Lovino's sleeping habits had never been up to par. One minute he would be drifting off to sleep and the next he would be tossing in his bed wondering how he could never have a single night's worth of rest. Sometimes he could be completely exhausted and still not able to fall asleep.

But, tonight, his sleep was merciful. Of course, it was the one night he hadn't actually wanted to sleep, but fate was tricky like that.

And so, against his wishes, Lovino was starting to drift off. Then, like a miracle and a curse all at once, he was snapped awake by the soft tapping of someone at his door. He sat up, irritated, but with more time to be awake and further consideration he decided to actually be grateful for the disturbance that prevented Lovino from sinking into his awaiting nightmare.

Lovino climbed out from the asylum of his sheets and went to open the door. He already had a sneaking suspicion who it would be.

"Feliciano, what do you want?" He asked, his voice annoyed. Immediately after, Lovino felt the insensitivity of those words. What if Feliciano couldn't sleep again? Lovino wasn't the only one in that house with sleeping problems.

Feli was used to Lovino's rude comments, though, and took no mind. "Hi, Lovino!" He said with his same enthusiasm as always, but at a lower volume, taking into mind the other possibly sleeping residents of the house. His voice dropped further into a whisper, "I was wondering if I could come in." He spoke with a hand up at one side of his mouth, as if telling a secret and he looked down the hall as if he was on some top-secret mission.

Lovino stepped back to let his brother in. Feliciano never took things seriously so how was Lovino to know when he really needed him or not? Feli just leaped into the room and jumped onto Lovino's bed, making himself comfortable at the end, sitting with his legs crossed like a kindergartener.

Lovino closed the door, pretending to roll his eyes at his childish brother. He made his way over and sat on the bed with him. "What is it, Feli?" He knew he had to cut to the chase with his brother or he would go on forever avoiding the subject at hand, though sometimes, like then, there was no avoiding his ramblings.

"How are you liking school?" His brother asked him enthusiastically. Lovino wasn't sure if this had anything to do with the point or not.

"Fine..."

"Me too, Lovi! I've met tons of new people and I've got some great teachers! Did you get any great teachers, Lovi?"

What was his younger brother getting at? Lovino's intuition told him that this was somehow leading to his point. "Yeah, sure..."

"And, um," Feliciano averted his eyes. He seemed to be having more difficulty with the words as he spoke on, "What about the homework? Have you gotten a lot?" Feliciano was running out of things to say. That was a first.

"It's okay." Lovino replied. "Feli, what's wrong? You have something to tell me."

Feliciano looked up. "Yes, well no. Kind of." He tapped his fingers on a blanket that covered the bed. "I just wanted to ask if you were, um," He averted his eyes again, "Doing alright..."

It was a simple enough question and it really shouldn't have surprised him Feliciano had asked, but he froze when he heard it anyway.

"I mean," Feliciano was quick to explain the question," You haven't really been _bad_ in a long time, but since it's the beginning of another year and we're at another school and all, I didn't know if-"

"No, no, Feli. It's fine." Lovino shook his head to swipe away the unnecessary explanation. "No nightmares. No flashbacks." He looked his brother straight in the eyes and put as much truth into the words as he could. "I'm fine." The lie hurt.

His brother seemed relieved. "Oh, that's great! I was a bit worried."

"Don't worry so much, Feli. You have studying and grades for that."

"I know, it's just that I want to make sure your still doing fine. You haven't had problems in a while, but the past week you've been really tired. Are you getting enough sleep?" Feliciano asked with wide, trusting eyes. His younger brother was never known to have been lied to by Lovino, as far as his innocent mind could tell. Lovino felt a stab at his heart, knowing how many times this in itself had been a lie.

"Yeah, Feli." He went off lying again, "It's just the start of the semester, as you pointed out. Getting used to this new schedule is taking its toll."

"Oh, don't let it do that! You've got to get to bed earlier, Lovino. Coffee doesn't solve everything!" Feliciano giggled.

"Don't doubt the benefits of coffee." Lovino warned and yawned, only half pretending. "Speaking of which, I'm a bit tired now, as you should be too. Was that all you wanted to talk about?"

"Yes! One more thing, though. You are keeping up with your medication, right? You're taking it every day, right?"

"Yes, Feliciano. Everyday. I've been taking them for years now; I'm not going to just up and forget." He didn't have to lie this time. He always stuck to his meds, even if he had quit psychotherapy and support group a long time ago.

"Oh, good!" Feli's smiled. "I'm so glad! It's so great that you're so well; I know it can be hard."

"Yeah," Was Lovino's one-worded reply, unable to keep up a good lie anymore.

"Okay, well I guess we should get some sleep. Night, Lovino!" Feliciano jumped up and gave his brother a hug before sliding into the hallway in search of his own room only a few leaps away.

"Night, Feliciano." Lovino told the already empty room. "Have a better sleep than I will."

Lovino curled back into his covers and, for his brother, tried to sleep. No luck, though, as the same nightmare woke him again before his body could properly store the sleep it had attempted to gain.

-/-

The next day, unsurprisingly, he was as tired as ever, but slept on the bus, as for some odd reason, he could do it soundly there even with his head knocking on the window and his book bag constantly sliding from his grip.

As always, Antonio was sitting in the seat right next to him and Lovino was thankful that his sleep could be a reason not to talk to the Spaniard. After Saturday, Lovino wasn't sure if he could ever talk to Antonio again, but, when Antonio was once again shaking him awake to exit the bus, Lovino knew that he had run out of time to stay silent.

They walked silently until they reached the corner, and Lovino made the mistake of hoping he might get away before Antonio brought it up, but, when they stopped, Antonio spoke.

"How was your weekend, Lovino?" He tried to sound casual. Well, he got points for trying, but not much else aside from that.

Lovino rolled his eyes. "Bastard, you already know the answer to that question."

Antonio gave a small smile. "I meant the rest of it. Did you get anymore sleep after you got home? I'm sure those few hours weren't enough to completely recharge you."

Lovino pretended that the question didn't mean anything. He ignored the part of Antonio's voice that almost sounded concerned and he rejected how it added to the dizziness in his head.

"Yeah," Lovino tried for casual too. He doubted he got anymore points at it than Antonio had, though.

Antonio's smile said that he didn't quite believe it, but he didn't say anything. Just then, the sound of a loud German voice and a melodic French accent entered the hallway. Antonio's eyes grew wide and Lovino remembered the friends he had met the first and only time he had gone to the Beilschmidt's.

"Oooh, Antoniooo!" Francis called down the hall when he caught sight of him. The two came walking up to them and Lovino felt the need to bolt.

" _Hola, mis amigos_." Antonio's voice sounded forced in the way a friend might be warning another to buck out. "Why are you here so early this morning?"

"Looks like someone already forgot!" Gilbert replied. "We had to witness the results of our beginning of the year prank, of course!"

"I mean, wouldn't you want to see it too? You did miss the bus ride home for it." Francis added in a highly suggestible voice, his eyes flicking to Lovino. "Oh, I know!" He said in a voice that said he had a great idea, but Antonio knew would be quite the opposite. "Why don't you bring along Lovino here? -By the way, hi, Lovino, I'm Francis in case you didn't remember from our last encounter. Would you like to see what the Bad Touch Trio is all about?"

Lovino's eyes widened when Francis had first turned to him. All he could sputter out was, "Th- the what?"

Francis' eyes widened in mock surprise, still teasing Antonio. "Oh, Toni dear! You didn't tell him our Trio's name?"

Antonio at the moment was wishing his friends might find some other source of entertainment , like changing the flyers in the school with sharpie or hunting down gossip in the halls, but at the moment, his friends could not even think of any entertainment greater than this.

"Francis," Antonio said again in the same warning voice, "Why don't you two go ahead to science and I'll catch up with you? You wouldn't want to be late."

Lovino cut in, though. "I've got to get to class anyway. Bye." Antonio's heart reached out to Lovino who was starting to walk away.

"Wait, Lovino!" Antonio spoke up, his friends still watching behind him. Lovino stopped and turned to look at him, obviously waiting for whatever it was that Antonio wanted to say.

What was it that Antonio wanted to say? "Um, I'll see you on the bus?" He couldn't continue their conversation about that weekend with his friends there, so he settled on postponing it.

Lovino rolled his eyes, but Antonio could have sworn he saw the smallest traces of a smirk on his lips. It seemed their earlier conversation had fled shifted from his thoughts. "Whatever." Lovino walked away and Antonio was left with his two idiotic friends.

Gilbert started to snicker and Antonio ran his hands across his face. He found that they were pleasantly cold. When he turned he started to walk. "Come on, let's get to class."

All the while Francis hit the back of Gilbert's head to try to get him to stop laughing. The Bad Touch Trio was off to witness their prank and Antonio was thoroughly irritated with both of his friends that trailed behind him.

-/-

Throughout the day, Lovino began realizing that his and Antonio's conversation was far from finished and he began to feel anxious and foolish. Saturday he had messed up so thoroughly that he didn't know how to fix it. He didn't know how to escape the inevitable questions that he would be bombarded with when he next saw Antonio.

So, he decided to avoid them instead. It wasn't escaping them for good, but avoiding was all he had. Running away from his problems was all he was good at. That afternoon, Lovino did not take the bus, but, instead, walked home. The distance was a healthy enough walk and only in Lovino's lazy attitude did it seem to last forever. His legs were lead when he arrived home, but he knew he had done the right thing. He was avoiding the bus for good reason.

And the next day he walked as well. He woke up earlier and strode out the door a good twenty minutes before anyone would be waiting for the bus at the end of the street. That afternoon was the same as the last and the next day the same as the previous. The long walks drained him of his already depleted store of energy, but as long as he could avoid Antonio and not face his problems he felt he could endure. Antonio wouldn't want to know anyway. Lovino had been the one to drag him into all of this, it wasn't fair to have him stuck in it.

But the next day, Thursday, to his utter amazement, when Lovino walked outside someone was waiting for him at the short picket fence of their yard. Antonio had woken not only on time for once, but early enough to catch Lovino before he began his trek to school.

"What are you doing here?" Lovino asked, pausing halfway down the yard's walkway.

"I thought I would walk with you to school! It seems like such a pleasant way to wake up." Antonio said and pulled himself up from where he had been leaning against the weak little fence.

Lovino scowled and, without looking at Antonio, he passed him and walked down the sidewalk.

To Lovino's surprise, Antonio did not speak much on the way to school. He seemed to look wide awake, despite waking up much earlier than he was used to and they walked side by side along the sidewalks, neither one saying anything. As they drew nearer to the building in which they were heading, Lovino grew uneasy, knowing that at any moment Antonio would speak. Would try to bring up the conversation Lovino had been avoiding for days.

But they made it to school still in silence. When they arrived at the corner in which they usually parted from one another, Antonio smiled and said good-bye to Lovino like any other morning. The rest of the day, Lovino was puzzled by the quiet walk. Why had Antonio walked with him in the first place? How hadn't he said a word that whole walk when on most days he couldn't stop talking if his life depended on it? The stupid bastard. Why did he go about making Lovino so confused?

By the time the final bell rang, Lovino wanted to get out of that school and back to his home quickly, hoping not to run into Antonio on the way. He was exhausted and, though he dreaded it, he knew he would be taking a nap when he got home.

So Lovino paced along the sidewalk that wound around the school and out to the connecting streets that would lead to the many neighborhoods of that school district. He tried to keep his legs moving quickly so that he could perhaps get home sooner, but his calves hurt already and the pace was impossible.

"Lovi!" A voice shouted behind him and Lovino's heart seized. His stilled when he recognized the voice, yet he was still elated to hear it. So much for getting home quickly.

He did not turn until Antonio was walking next to him in a second. "Hi, Lovi! May I walk with you?"

"Whatever." Lovino grumbled, hoping the Spaniard would take the hint.

"Oh good!" Apparently not. They continued walking, Antonio a lot more talkative than he had been that morning.

"Look! _El hoja_!" Antonio bent down and picked a crumpled brown leaf from the sidewalk. "It's the first fallen one I've seen all year!"

"That's what happens in the autumn."

"Say, Lovino, do you have a favorite color?" Antonio asked suddenly. The question was so random that Lovino had to think for a second.

"Um... I don't know, actually." Lovino honestly couldn't remember anyone asking him before.

"Really? You do not have a favorite color?" Antonio asked surprised.

Lovino felt on the defensive now. "Yeah, and you do?"

"Yes. Mine is red. The color of love and passion. The one that dares bulls to charge matadors. The color of fresh tomatoes!"

"Pssh. Tomatoes?" Lovino found the idea silly.

"Yes! Tomatoes are delicious! Do you not remember that day at the grocery store when we both were at the tomatoes?"

Of course he did. Every moment he had ever been with the bastard he remembered in detail.

"Tortie loves tomatoes! I feed him tomatoes everyday!"

"Tortie?" Lovino asked.

"My turtle. Not a very original name but I thought it was nice because it could be short for 'turtle' or ' _tortuga_ '."

"You have a pet turtle?"

"Yes, you can come see him sometime, if you would like." Antonio sounded like he meant it and, though Lovino wasn't all that into turtles, he found himself wanting to go.

"Okay." He agreed casually, forgetting about his sleepiness.

Antonio seemed surprised at first that Lovino would accept the offering, then his eyes lit up and he smiled. "Okay!"

So they walked to Antonio's house. Lovino didn't know what had made him do it, especially when he had been avoiding Antonio the entire week. When they first got there, Lovino was feeling certainly awkward when the last time he had been there he had almost been passed out from exhaustion and had just performed one of the most embarrassing memories of his life.

"Tortie lives in my room." Antonio led Lovino up the stairs and Lovino thought they would be going to the room down the hall, but Antonio stopped at one of the sooner doors. Lovino almost smacked himself then and there. Of course Antonio hadn't let him sleep in his own bed when this house was certainly big enough for them to have a guest bedroom.

He then backtracked on this thought.

His own house was big enough for his Grandpa, Feli, Romeo, and himself all to have their own rooms. How many people lived in this house then? Why did it feel so empty?

"Um, where are your parents?" Lovino asked and winced at how stupid it sounded.

Antonio just shook his head. "Just me and my brother here."

"Oh."

Antonio's room was different from the one down the hall, which made sense now. The other had looked barely lived in, now that Lovino thought about it. This one had rumpled up blankets on the bed, a corner with books stacked into it and a desk with a lamp, a pencil holder, and a few papers sprawled about it. The wall behind the desk had a collection of pictures taped to it. From where he was standing, Lovino saw most of them were Antonio with his two idiot friends, but a couple of them had people he didn't recognize. On top of his dresser was the turtle's habitat. The room had character and the character was definitely Antonio.

Antonio offered him the desk chair while he went to go get the tomatoes for the turtle.

As he was waiting he found himself looking at the bed. He had thought he had slept in Antonio's bed, but it had actually just been the guest bed down the hall. He still couldn't admit to himself that the reason he had slept so soundly that time had been because Antonio had been there, but that didn't stop him from wondering now what it would be like to sleep in Antonio's real bed.

He wondered how well he would sleep this time if he were to just climb into the bed right now and be asleep before Antonio even got back. Would he sleep as soundly as he had the last time or would he end up having a nightmare and making matters worse for himself and Antonio? Last time, it had probably only been the exhaustion that had helped him sleep so soundly here.

"The tomatoes won't be able to keep sprouting for much longer. The weather will become much too cold soon." Antonio walked in with a small bowl that held a couple of small tomatoes. Not baby tomatoes, just small regular ones.

"Would you like to feed him one?" Antonio asked holding out the bowl to Lovino.

Lovino shrugged and took a tomato. As he approached the habitat he pictured the turtle biting his finger instead of the tomato. That would be just his luck.

Antonio reached into the bowl and grabbed a tomato himself. "It's funny how many of us can love these. I love tomatoes. You love tomatoes. Tortie loves tomatoes." Antonio shrugged and popped the tomato in his mouth. Lovino wrinkled his nose and Antonio shrugged again. "I washed them." Was his explanation.

"Do you have any pets?" Antonio wondered as Lovino reached into the habitat and placed the small fruit by the turtle.

Lovino answered. "No. Unless you count Feliciano, of course."

Antonio laughed and Lovino's heart skipped. "So no pets, no favorite color. Hm. What about family? You have a brother and no pets. Anyone else?"

"My grandfather and my cousin live with us too. My cousin, Romeo, is in the seventh grade. He lives with us because his parents travel too much for him to have a regular education or life."

"Ah. I guess I can relate." Antonio said. "My parents moved across the country, but my home has always been here. They decided to lease our house to my brother so I could stay here and finish up school and Afonso was already in college around here anyway." There was a pause as if Antonio was giving him a chance to talk too but Lovino stayed quiet. He liked the sound of Antonio's voice and he didn't want to disrupt it with the sound of his own. He closed his eyes for a second and peacefully stood in the now silent room, facing the habitat next to Antonio. Lovino wondered if he would talk again.

"Hey, Lovino, we haven't had much of a chance to finish our conversation from the other day. You know, on Monday when Francis and Gilbert interrupted..."

Lovino froze. He knew it would come up -it had to of- but, nevertheless, he was still taken off guard.

"Really? I thought we had." Lovino lied. That was as far as Lovino would have been willing to take the conversation, but he knew Antonio wouldn't have been ready to drop it.

"Well, you said it had been just fatigue, but what can I say, I worry. I mean, you didn't want to go back to your house. So, why was that?"

Lovino kept his eyes trained on the habitat's glass in front of them. Why did Antonio care? His sleep or lack thereof was his own problem. How he hadn't wanted his family to know about it was also his problem. Antonio was trying hard to keep his voice cheery and normal but Lovino could still tell he was worried. Why was that?

"It doesn't matter." Lovino shook his head and started to turn. His instinct to flee was kicking in. "I need to go-" He started to dismiss himself but was stopped by Antonio grabbing his arm.

"Lovino," The worry etched in his voice was unmistakable, "You can tell me anything."

No, he couldn't. He couldn't tell anyone. It only made people worry when he told them things like this. When Lovino had first started to have nightmares his Grandpa would lose nights of sleep staying awake to make sure Lovino would fall back to sleep peacefully. Back when Lovino regularly had night terrors, Feliciano, as young as he was, had always gotten Romeo back to bed after he had been awoken by Lovino's screams, and had come check on Lovino and Grandpa regularly, losing sleep of his own.

When he got older and his night terrors started to dwindle, making more room for regular nightmares, Lovino would soothe himself by going into his brother's room. He never wanted to wake him up because he knew he had already done that too many times before, but Feli was a light sleeper, so on most nights, he would wake up when Lovino cracked the door to his bedroom. Some nights Lovino's nightmares would leave him scared enough to sleep in his brother's room for the night.

It wasn't long after this became a normal occurrence that Feli began to have his own sleeping problems. He couldn't go to sleep as easily as he used to. He thought too much, Feliciano always said. His brain took longer to shut down because he was excited all the time.

It was great of him to put such a nice twist on it, but Lovino felt this wasn't the whole story to it. Lovino knew what was on Feliciano's mind during the period where his sleeping problems had begun to surface. Would his brother have a nightmare tonight? Would Lovino come to his room that night with haunted eyes and fear in his face?

After that Lovnio had stopped coming to Feliciano's room when he had nightmares. He had started pretending he was getting better. And they had more or less believed him.

But, how could he tell Antonio any of this? Sharing his problems before had only led to problems for other people.

Tears were stinging Lovino's eyes. How had that happened? Lovino tried to bring his hand up to whip them away but realized Antonio still had his arm. He brought his other hand up to angrily whip them away. Lovino shook his head and tried to shake his arm away from Antonio's grip.

Antonio let Lovino's arm go and apologized. "I'm sorry, Lovi. You don't have to tell me. You can if you want, but you don't have to." Lovino's sudden tears were drying as quickly as they had come. Perks of hiding his pain for years, it was almost instinctual to pretend nothing was wrong.

"Hey, would you like to go downstairs and watch a movie?" Antonio's voice was gentle, but it was back to its happy-go-lucky nature. "I rented a new one yesterday and haven't watched it yet."

Lovino knew he should have excused himself back to his own house, but he didn't want to go back. After this conversation with Antonio he should have wanted to get away -run away like he always did- but he just couldn't bring himself to walk back to his own house at the moment.

So he silently nodded at Antonio's offer, thinking he should feel relieved they had dropped the topic, but just feeling empty of emotion. They walked downstairs and Antonio put the movie in while Lovino sat on the couch, tucking his legs up to his chin.

Antonio came back to the couch and the movie started to play. Lovino wasn't sure what the movie was really about, but let himself be immersed in it. It took his mind off of things he'd rather not dwell on. Soon, the movie wasn't enough to keep him distracted, though, so he spoke to Antonio instead.

"What are you doing after high school?"

Antonio seemed taken off guard by the question which didn't surprise Lovino as they had been quiet for so long watching the movie.

"I mean, are you going to college or do you have something else in mind?" Lovino continued.

"Oh, um," Antonio said, trying to get his thoughts together. Lovino had never seen him so flustered, "Well, I hope to, but I don't know yet."

"Why don't you know if you hope to?"

Antonio seemed almost embarrassed. "Um, it's just that college costs so much and I'm saving up, but..." Antonio sighed and shrugged.

"Oh" Was all Lovino said, then, "Where would you want to go?"

Antonio shrugged, seemingly glad to have dropped the other line of conversation. "I'm not quite sure. I've got a list of local universities around here, but I don't know if any would accept me. I don't have the best grades, you see..."

It struck Lovino then how little he actually knew about Antonio. What was he best at? What did he like to do? What subjects did he like?

"I'm just hoping one of them will accept me. And hopefully I can get a scholarship or something..."

"I'm sure you will." Lovino said, surprising himself that he was trying to console him. "I'm sure a lot of them will accept you. Not everything is about grades."

Antonio smiled softly. "Thank you, Lovi."

Lovino hit his shoulder lightly. "Don't call me that." A small smile played on Lovino's lips as well.

"You should do that more often." Antonio said.

"What?"

"Smile. It's nice."

Lovino blushed and looked back to the screen. He felt Antonio's gaze linger on him a second longer then turn to the screen as well. The movie lasted longer than Lovino expected and soon he was growing sleepy and it wasn't just from his many sleepless nights as it was from the coziness of Antonio's home. Soon, Lovino was nodding off.

-/-

Antonio suddenly laughed at something that happened in the movie and turned to see what Lovino had thought about it. That's when he noticed that, with his head resting on top of one of the couch's cushions and legs curled up on the couch, that Lovino had fallen asleep.

Lovino's face was so calm. Antonio remembered the last time he had seen Lovino asleep, but this was completely different. The last time he had been so worried about Lovi, who had not been acting like himself at all, but this time it was as if Lovino had just fallen asleep on accident. It was quite cute, actually.

Antonio smiled down at sleeping Lovino and turned back to the movie. He wondered if Lovino was comfortable and if he should get him a blanket or something. The thought scratched at his mind until he decided to get up and go hunt down a blanket, but the next thing he knew, Lovino had shot awake.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Lovi! I didn't mean to wake you up! I was just going to- uh..." Antonio felt a bit foolish admitting he was going to go find him a blanket for some reason, so, instead, he said, "I was just going to go eject the movie." When he noticed the credits were rolling. That's funny, he didn't remember what had happened at the end.

"It's alright, bastard. Calm down, I wasn't even asleep for that long." Lovino said, though Antonio knew he had been asleep a lot longer than he had thought.

Antonio's stomach growled as he ejected the DVD and put it back in its rental case. "Okay. I'm kind of hungry. How about you?" Lovino shrugged, standing up to follow Antonio to the kitchen. Antonio started to search around the cabinets and fridge.

Lovino took a seat at one of the wooden chairs at the circular kitchen table and Antonio began rambling off things they could snack on. "Crackers, pretzels, how about a PB&J sandwich? We've got peanut butter here and oh, I found some strawberry jelly!"

Antonio turned around, completely oblivious to how still Lovnio had gotten. "What do you think of that, Lovi?"

"No." Lovino said quickly. "Um," Lovino tried again seeming to think through his words more carefully, "No PB&J, thank you."

Antonio was surprised at how Lovino's attitude had suddenly shifted. "Wow, Lovino." He said, trying to joke to perhaps get Lovino to relax again, "I didn't think I'd ever hear the words 'thank you' come out of your mouth." He laughed, hoping Lovino would roll his eyes like he always did.

"W- well don't get used to it, bastard!" He clenched his fists on the surface of the table. "I just don't want one of your stupid sandwiches!"

Antonio decided it better to just back off. "Okay, sorry Lovi. How about some crackers instead?" He asked, pulling crackers out of one of the cabinets.

But Lovino stood from the table. He was beginning to look like he felt out of place. He looked lost. "Um, actually, I should be getting home. I've still got homework to do before dinner..."

Antonio hoped the disappointment didn't show on his face. How was it that Lovino could grow so defensive so quickly -draw into himself so quickly?

"Of course." Came Antonio's reply. "Would you like me to walk you?"

"No." Lovino said quickly. "I've got it. It's not that far."

"Okay. I'll just let you out then." And Antonio walked him to the door, watching as Lovino walked away with his back pack slung over one shoulder and returning Antonio's wave without turning around.

Lovino was obviously hurting, but from what he didn't know. Antonio wished he could just know Lovino -to break the code and figure out all the different things about him. Would knowing Lovino help Antonio to figure out how to take away that hurt? Would Antonio ever get the chance to try?

* * *

 _Hey, I also thought I'd put in that this chapter kind of kicked me in the butt for a bit. I hope it turned out a lot better once I got the kinks sorted out. Once again, thank you everyone. I hope I'm not going overboard on the thanking, but I really can't thank you all enough. See you in the next chapter!_


	6. Chapter 6

It was Saturday evening and, despite it being the weekend, Lovino was sitting at his desk studying for his history class. Once again, he couldn't fall asleep, so why shouldn't he use the extra time to do well in school?

A small tap sounded on the door and, without looking up, Lovino said, just loud enough to be heard, "Come in."

The door creaked open and Lovino questioned, without looking up again, "What's up, Feli?"

Then he caught the sound of sniffling and his little brother croaked, "Ve~ Nothing really, Lovi." But Lovino's head snapped up, now on high alert.

"What's the matter?" He asked as he got up and walked to his brother. If he was upset at this time of night it could be from anything from world suffering to that one ant Feliciano had stepped on in the second grade, but his brother was using his "Ve~", his verbal tick, which let Lovino know it was something his brother would much rather not speak of.

Lovino led Feli to the bed, where they had most of their late night conversations. "Feli," Lovino placed his hand on his brother's arm to let him know that he was there, "What's wrong?"

Feliciano tried his best to hide his pain with a broken laugh, but it came out more like a sob. "Well... well..." Then his brother completely broke down into bawling. It had been so long since Lovino had seen his brother break down so much. Sure, he cried often, but this was Feliciano's utterly defenseless kind of crying, the kind he couldn't stop with his hardest efforts.

Lovino immediately hugged his brother close and stroked his hair. He didn't try to make him talk; he just let him get it all out. Lovino knew that sometimes people just needed to let go; it would be harmful to keep it all in, to never let anyone know... like he did.

"Shh... It's okay..." Lovino whispered, unconsciously imitating their mother. Eventually, Feliciano's sobs calmed down and his tears started to dry, but Lovino knew it wouldn't be the end of the tears. He couldn't let his brother walk out without telling him what had him so upset and that would no doubt result in more crying.

"Thank you, Lovi." Feliciano whispered when he could finally speak again. His voice sounded hoarse and his eyes were puffy and red.

"Of course, _fratello_."

Feliciano took a minute or two longer to stabilize himself before pulling away.

"You want to tell me what's the matter now?" Lovino asked, still using a soft voice, one that possibly no one but his brother had ever heard from him.

Feli's eyes slowly retreated to the mattress and he started clasping his hands as if unsure what to do with them. Lovino let him take his time. There was no reason to rush him.

Finally, Feliciano said, talking to the mattress, "I wasn't supposed to fall in love again."

The word _again_ rang in Lovino's ears. He knew what his brother was referring to immediately. It was the boy he had fallen in love with. The one who had never come back. The boy who had died.

Back when Lovino was eleven and Feliciano was ten, Feliciano had gone to stay with some friends of their Grandpa's for the summer. Lovino hadn't been there, but what he had heard was that Feliciano had met a boy there that he had fallen in love with. He was so young and, at first, Lovino was very sceptical if it was even love at all, but, one thing was for sure. This boy had broken his brother's heart.

That was the first thing Lovino had learned about this boy, actually, which had made Lovino furious and immediately dislike the boy. He later learned more details, that the boy had gone away and never come back, that he was most likely dead, but they had never found out the whole truth behind it. Feliciano had been heartbroken and wouldn't talk about it. Now he had lost both his mother and his first love by the age of ten.

Lovino should have seen this coming. Had this been what Feli had been so distraught over when he had first told Lovino about his dating Ludwig? Lovino had simply thought he had been looking for approval, but had he also been thinking of this long-lost boy he still had hopes of returning?

"You know, I taught him how to paint." A tear escaped Feliciano's eye. Lovino had never heard his brother speak so openly about that summer, about the boy. "He kissed me under the chestnut tree that day." He put his head in his hands. "Right before he left. " He sobbed.

Lovino reached out and pulled his brother into another embrace wanting to help so much, but far out of his waters. He elected on soothing his brother again, waiting his sobs out.

Feliciano had been so brave all of his life. He had lived through the death of their mother a lot better than Lovino had managed and had even helped his older brother when Lovino should have been the one helping him. He had been bullied when he was younger, yet he kept a smile on every single day. He had lost this boy he had grown so close to over that summer and, apart from his refusal to talk about it, showed no sign that he hurt at all. He helped so many other people and stayed brave and smiling all for their sakes. Lovino wished Feli would damn the other people, live for himself, but that just wasn't his brother. His brother was so much kinder than him and, in a lot of ways, so much smarter.

When Feliciano's sobs had once again calmed, Lovino spoke carefully, "It's alright, Feli. Shh... It's okay." After another moment he decided to speak again, "It's okay to love, you know. I don't think he would have wanted you to give up on that."

His brother sniffled. He continued. "Ludwig makes you happy, right?" Feli nodded his head. "So he would want you to stay with him."

Feliciano thought for a long moment. "But what if something happens to him?"

What if Ludwig leaves him too? What if Feliciano was broken again? What if someone hurt his brother again?

"Nothing will happen to him." He blindly reassured his brother. "And if something does, then I will be there for you. I'll always be there for you."

"I can't go through it again, Lovi. I'm not strong enough."

"Are you strong enough to leave him, then? To cut him out of your life? To put yourself through _that_ instead?"

He found himself thinking of Antonio suddenly. Lovino was still walking to school. Still trying to avoid Antonio even though the idiot insisted on walking with him. Was avoiding Antonio the same thing he was asking his brother about right now? He tried to deny it, Antonio and his relationship wasn't the same as this after all, but something about it rang true somehow...

Feliciano shook his head to the questions. "I don't think I am."

"Then I guess you'll have to play that gamble with life. Will you love him or leave him? Or perhaps it's too late to choose?"

Feliciano looked up suddenly. "Aren't I the one usually giving the philosophical advice, Lovino?"

"Ironically, yes. You're very smart, Feli. But don't let that go to your head." Lovino warned, jokingly.

Feli smiled and Lovino felt like maybe he would be okay. Maybe Feli would figure it out and wouldn't let this chance go. His brother deserved happiness. He deserved it ten times more to himself.

Feli looked down again. "I miss him." He whispered to the mattress.

"I know, Feli." Lovino said, bringing him in for another hug.

It wasn't until morning that Feli could smile in his normal way, again hiding his pain. It hurt Lovino to see how easily his brother could put on that mask and scared him when he wondered if one day he wouldn't be able to distinguish between his brother's fake and real smiles.

-/-

"Wednesday will be our one month anniversary!" Feliciano exclaimed at breakfast that morning. It was one of those rare mornings where they all woke up early enough to have breakfast together, be it that none of them even had the same thing to eat.

The noise of their Grandpa's spoon clattering against his coffee cup sounded their grandfather's surprise. As Feliciano had only told him about a week before, their grandfather was still getting used to the fact that Feli was in a relationship.

Oblivious, Feli scooped a mouthful of multicolored cereal into his mouth and Lovino was left wondering if any of the hurt from the previous night was still there.

"Do people actually do that sort of thing? Celebrate a one month anniversary? It seems a bit cheap." Lovino asked, poking at his own breakfast of toast with butter.

After swallowing his bite, Feliciano turned to Lovino. "Yeah! And I don't think its cheap. It's sweet! I'm thinking of going to the mall today to maybe find him something for Wednesday. Will you come with, Lovino?"

"Yeah, sure. We've got to stop by the pharmacy afterwards, though, so we can't be there for too long."

Feliciano just nodded. It was a normal enough comment for their house, but Lovino wasn't usually one to speak so openly about it.

"Is that how you boys ask for the car for the day?" Their Grandpa inquired, having recovered from his slight surprise.

Feliciano just looked at him with hopeful eyes. "Alright." Grandpa answered, crumbling beneath his grandson's gaze. He waved them off and Feliciano jumped up excitedly, having finished his cereal.

"Okay, Lovi; I'll go take a shower and you can finish your breakfast and we can leave in an hour or so maybe? This will be so much fun; I can show you the cool places I've found at the mall. You haven't been there yet, right? Oh, I can't wait!" And so, without a response from his brother, Feli pounced out of the room.

"Alright, Feli." Lovino answered, rolling his eyes and picking up his toast.

His Grandpa just chuckled and Romeo continued to not take notice as he played his DS beneath the small breakfast table.

-/-

Lovino had been hoping that this trip to the mall would take Feliciano's mind off of his thoughts from that past night. For the most part, Lovino thought, it did.

They didn't talk about the previous night at all and Feliciano was very excited to show Lovino practically every store in that place. He jumped around and smiled as usual and Lovino was readily convinced that his brother had moved on like he always so easily did.

But a nagging thought ate at the back of Lovino's brain as they walked past the various different stores. _Was Feliciano pretending just as much as he himself was?_

They eventually had walked the whole mall and Feliciano had found a gift for his Potato Bastard boyfriend. Lovino was ready to get out of there when suddenly his little brother exclaimed, "Churros!" And took off to their right where the food court was.

Lovino was forced to follow, listening as his brother continued to talk. "The churros at this place are delicious! You have to try them, Lovi!"

Lovino rolled his eyes and the two brothers stopped in front of one of the eateries. When they got there, though, Lovino heard something he really hadn't been expecting to hear.

" _Hola_ , guys! What brings you here?" Antonio greeted them joyfully from the other side of the counter.

"Oh, hi Antonio!" Feliciano exclaimed, "I didn't know you worked here."

"Si, well I must make money somehow. What can I get you?"

"I wanted to show Lovino how delicious the churros were here, so two churros, please!"

"Of course!" Antonio then passed the order through to the kitchen then turned back to them. "So, have you guys been having a good weekend?"

"Oh, great!" Feliciano started jabbering, telling Antonio all about the mostly uneventful weekend. He was just saying how he had been talking to one of the managers today in a store they had visited when their churros were ready. Lovino pulled out his wallet to pay as he knew Feliciano had already spent all his money on the gift and other uselessly Feliciano things that day.

"No, no. It is on the house." Antonio said, handing the pastries to Feli.

"Thank you, Antonio!" Feliciano started, only to be cut off by Lovino.

"How much do I owe you?" Lovino asked, ignoring them both.

"You owe me nothing, really." Antonio insisted.

Lovino was about to protest once again when Feliciano suddenly exclaimed, "Lovi! It's almost six!" He was clutching the churros in one hand and looking at the clock on his phone with the other. "We've got to go pick up your medication before the pharmacy closes!"

Lovino froze.

"Oh no! Are you sick, Lovino?" Antonio questioned.

Feliciano looked up from his phone, seeming to have realized his mistake. He looked to have decided it best to stay quiet.

"Um," Lovino stammered, shooting his brother an angry glare, "Uh, no, not really. Just a... cough..." Lovino finished lamely.

"You better get your medicine, then! You need to get better before Monday. Who would I talk to before school?"

He didn't say anything. Lovino hadn't ridden the bus in a week after all, but he should have assumed that Antonio would have wanted to walk with him again.

Feliciano was still in his guilty silence, so Lovino had to excuse them himself. "Yeah, we better get going then..." He said as he grabbed his brother by the arm and began to lead him away.

"Okay, get better, Lovi!" Antonio shouted and waved good-bye.

Lovino hurried out of there.

-/-

On the way home, Lovino scolded Feliciano for his reckless driving habits. Of course, Lovino actually drove much the same way, but he had to find something else to complain about since Feliciano was looking far too down about what he had let slip in front of Antonio.

Their stop by the pharmacy was quick and Lovino threw the prescription to one of the back seats. For the remainder of the ride, Lovino stopped criticizing his brother's driving enough to have a real conversation.

"... It's not even a month into school yet and the teachers give us enough homework each day to last a week!" Lovino complained.

"Are you stressed?" Feliciano wondered.

Lovino looked sideways at his brother. He knew that, despite the air of a casual conversation, his brother's comment was actually one of worry. He never talked about his feelings with Feliciano, though. If he talked about his emotions and shit too much, it always ended up feeling like one of those psychotherapy sessions he disliked so much.

"No." He replied.

"It's okay to be stressed, you know. I get stressed over schoolwork all the time."

"Do you need help in any of your classes?" Lovino asked, forgetting they had been talking about his own stress upon hearing about his brother's.

"No, not really. And even if I did I've got Ludwig and Kiku to help, so you don't have to worry about it. Just worry about your own classes. It sounds like they're difficult this year."

Their conversation continued until they pulled onto their street, in which Feliciano suddenly seemed to remember something dearly important.

"Oh, Lovi! I almost forgot! There is something I want to show you when we get home! It's soooo important; you have to see it right away!" His brother speed the car up in a bit and Lovino scolded him.

"Feli, we're in a neighborhood." In which he promptly slowed but continued to almost bounce in his seat until they pulled into their driveway. "It's so great! Come one, Lovino! I have to show you. Right. Now!" Feliciano jumped out of the car and ran inside, expecting Lovino to follow after.

Lovino did, following quickly, knowing his brother would start to yell across the house to hurry up if he didn't. He only paused when he reached the threshold of the front door, suddenly feeling as if he had forgotten something.

Then he remembered and snatched the keys out of the bowl by the front door Feliciano had tossed into as he had run past and locked the car from the electronic key chain. Then closed the door and followed his brother upstairs to where he had disappeared into his bedroom.

Meanwhile the prescription he had just gotten from the pharmacy lay in the backseat of the car, forgotten.

* * *

 _For anyone who's interested, this is my personal opinion on what Feliciano probably wanted to show Lovino._

 _watch?v=g75lrBKi55E_

 _that or something with cats..._

 _Thanks, guys!_


	7. Chapter 7

_Warning: Violent death of a loved one. If you are particularly sensitive to the subject, I advise you to not read. Viewer discretion advised. Thanks!_

* * *

Lovino would never forget his first day of kindergarten. School itself had been spectacular and he was excitedly telling his mother all about the crayons and the playground and all the new kids he had met there. Sure, he had accidentally knocked down a stack of books in the middle of the pledge, but the teachers hadn't seemed to mind too much.

"It sounds like your day was _magnifico_ , Lovino!" His mother said, eyes sparkling and a proud smile dancing on her lips. His mother tried to speak English at home so him and his brother could get used to it and Lovino always found her combination of the different languages fascinating.

His mother had made him a strawberry jelly sandwich when he had gotten home, still thrilled in the idea of riding the big yellow bus everyday. Now they were sitting at the table in their kitchen. He was near finished when his mother decided to slip on her shoes again. They were about to go pick up Feliciano from daycare where he stayed until his mother got off from work. Lovino used to stay at the same daycare, but he was a big boy now!

Then there came the knock on the door. Lovino continued swinging his legs from the chair he sat in, taking the last bites of his sandwich and watching his mother make her way with a confused expression to answer the front door. There was some murmuring, but Lovino didn't pay attention, wrapped up in his adolescent innocence. He only caught one snippet of the short conversation. "-about to pick up _mi figlio_ , sorry, my son,from daycare-"

Soon, his mother was back in the kitchen. Nothing was out of the ordinary and nothing was wrong. She smiled and took his plate to the sink. "Why don't you go put your big boy backpack in your room and we'll go, alright?"

Lovino nodded and jumped down from his seat. He picked up his backpack and raced upstairs already looking forward to telling Feli all about his first day of kindergarten.

He was in his room, hanging his backpack from one of the low hooks on his wall when his mother rushed in. Her arm had a dark and scary red color slashed across it.

"Lovino you have to listen to me." She said as she crouched next to him. She was talking really fast and had gone into all Italian. "You have to go under the bed and not come back out, you hear?"

Before Lovino could have a chance to understand, she scooped him up and placed him under the bed herself. "Do not make a sound. Not one." Lovino was scared now. What was happening? Why was his mother acting like this? He didn't understand. " _Ti amo._ "

Then she got up and pulled out her phone, hitting a few buttons before the door to the room burst open. She screamed and Lovino had to do his best not to do the same. His mother had said not to make a sound. He _couldn't_ make a sound.

The intruder said something in English, but suddenly Lovino didn't understand English anymore. He couldn't understand anything but the ringing in his ears and his mother's words. _Do not make a sound. Do not make a sound. Do not make a sound._

Then a shrill, torturous scream pierced through the ringing in his ears and he heard the thud of something hitting the floor.

He saw it. Blood staining the carpet and the limp figure that lay in the middle of it. It filled his vision. His sight was darkening at the edges and he forced shut his eyes as the intruder knelt over the form and raised his blade once again.

The gashing of the knife repeatedly sounded in his ears long after the slashing had stopped. Long after the sirens outside wailed and the intruder had been tackled and taken away. Long after the police found him some time after huddled under the bed and shivering, not making a sound, _not making a sound, not making a sound_.

He hadn't made a sound for a while after that. When the police lady had been talking to him, he hadn't even realized she was there. When he and Feliciano had spent much of that night at the police station until his Grandpa arrived with such concern in his eyes and such disbelief and despair when told what had happened, Lovino hadn't felt his Grandpa's hug or his tears on his shoulder. When he and Feliciano had spent that night in a hotel room his Grandpa had gotten and when they had finally gone home to their Grandpa's country home hours away, Lovino still hadn't found a way or a need to make a single sound.


	8. Chapter 8

_Warning: Mentions of PTSD, Depression, Harmful thoughts about oneself_

* * *

Lovino remembered how to talk eventually, but that was the least of his worries in the coming months of his life. Nightmares woke him nearly every night and his grandfather would come in repeatedly to soothe his fears away. Any mention of his mother or something that reminded him of that day when she was killed would throw him violently into a flashback that resulted in him crying for hours. He once snapped at his grandfather when Roma had asked if he could make him a strawberry jelly sandwich -something his mother had gotten from him when she was young, Lovino came to find out- and the other children in his kindergarten class started teasing him when he had burst into tears during school one day.

Roma became worried for Lovino and, only a few months after, took him to the doctor. That was when he was diagnosed with PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. At first, Lovino didn't understand exactly what any of it meant, the careful way his grandfather and other adults talked around him, the meetings they called _psychotherapy_ he would be forced to frequently attend, or why they wanted him to talk about so many random, weird things. But he learned overtime and soon his PTSD became a regular part of his life. The frightening flashbacks and terrifying nightmares became normal and Lovino had come to expect them. Soon, it wasn't only a relief when they didn't come, but a surprise.

In Lovino's early middle school days, Roma had become worried about Lovino again when Lovino had stopped showing interest in any kind of enjoyment. He rarely talked, ate, slept -really anything at all. He hadn't any friends in school and with every passing day he had seemed to become more and more anxious and stressed over the littlest things. That was when Roma took him to the doctor once again and that was the year he found out he had clinical depression. The year he had to start taking pills called _antidepressants_ everyday. The year Roma made him go to support group meetings every Wednesday afterschool and the year he'd had to get used to another thing wrong with himself. That's what he thought. That everything was wrong in him.

The antidepressants helped, but Lovino still beat himself up over some things, like how his family must have felt in retrospect to helping him all those years throughout his disorders. How he hadn't even been able to help his little brother at all through the loss of their mother. So much weighed on him with unspeakable guilt.

Throughout the rest of middle school and on to high school, Lovino started to pretend that he was getting better. What was one less nightmare he told his family about? One less flashback? His family believed him too. Roma stopped forcing him to go to support group meetings and he only had the occasional therapy session. He still took his medication and he still had his memories poorly locked away and ready to jump him at any possible moment, but without his family stressing over him so much, he also found it easier to not stress so much himself.

But it had all built up. He had ignored it time and time again and now here he was, in this new town, in this new school, starting this new life just as he had on his first day of kindergarten and just like those terrible months after when they had moved in with their grandfather. In those horrifying months when it was impossible to forget and the memories would not go away. Would. Not. Leave. Him. Alone.

But Lovino knew he would get through this new start just like he always had and he wouldn't drag anyone into it this time. This time, he knew he would have to get through it alone.

-/-

That night Lovino slept very well. Better than he had in ages, actually, so, of course, this resulted in his failing to hear his blaring alarm the next morning and sleeping in.

It wasn't until Feliciano had barged in to see Lovino still asleep that he had been woken up abruptly and told he had five minutes to get ready. Oh, and Lovino got ready. He made it out just in time to run alongside the ever late Antonio Carriedo to the bus- the mode of transportation he was forced to take that day because of his lateness.

It only went downhill from there. The whole day Lovino had felt like shit. His old guilt-ridden thoughts had plagued his mind and were back to haunt him with the same worthless and hopeless feelings he remembered from his middle school days.

It was easy to identify why it was that he was feeling this way. This was exactly how he felt whenever he forgot to take his meds when he was younger, but, unlike his middle school days, Lovino did not call his Grandfather to bring them up to the school.

He could make it one damn day without being medicated. He was sure of it.

But this resolve was slipping when, throughout the day, he couldn't concentrate on any of his assignments and he found it hard to trudge from class, to class, to class, to class, until the walking felt endless and he just wanted to lay down in the middle of the hallway and stay there forever. He didn't eat anything at lunch and when he boarded the bus that afternoon he didn't even glance at Antonio when he sat beside him, just stared out the window, tired enough to sleep but somehow unable to.

He hadn't had a day this bad in years. When he arrived home he got the bottle of medication out of the car and trudged up to his room one hopeless step after another. After shutting his bedroom door behind him he dropped his bag to the ground, pulled his prescription out of the small paper bag and stared at it. He thought of opening it, but waited.

 _Why do you deserve these pills, anyway?_ He thought as he stared at the small bottle in his hand. He sure as hell didn't want to feel like this but his mind kept asking him, what was the reason he shouldn't feel this way? Why should he take these when he didn't feel like he deserved to feel alright? He had put his family through so much with his conditions and even Antonio had seen first hand what Lovino's conditions were capable of. Lovino had been the reason they had moved from their beloved home in the country and all he had ever done was make people worry for him.

He couldn't even do anything to save his mother that day.

Everything was his fault. Why did he deserve these? These irrational fears swirled in Lovino's head and his knuckles had grown white on his grip around the small orange pill bottle. The pills inside were rattling from where his hand was shaking violently. Carefully, he set the bottle on his desk.

Not today. He couldn't take them today. Perhaps tomorrow would be better, but today all his thoughts and feelings pointed to one fact in his mind: he did not deserve them. Perhaps he would take them on a day when he didn't feel worthless and hopeless and empty.

But Lovino felt as if that day might never come.

-/-

The next day he felt even worse. His thoughts felt like they were turning in on themselves and he had stayed up all night, staring at the ceiling and at the dark room around him. It wasn't like the previous nights when he had stayed awake because he was afraid of the constant nightmares. No, it was like his body just wasn't able to. It just wouldn't relax enough for him to lull off to sleep, causing him to be engulfed by the dark thoughts his mind swirled in all night.

He knew how terribly hopeless it would be to try to walk to or from school that day. He barely had the strength to reach the bus stop much less the school a few neighborhoods away. Falling asleep on the bus proved to be just a daunting task as when he was in his own bed and, after walking into the school and being almost blinded by the sudden light that flooded the building, developed a dull headache just between his eyebrows for the rest of the day. That night he skipped dinner. No matter how much he tried to sway himself to at least eat something, the very thought of eating anything made him woozy.

The next morning his stomach hurt like he had a stomach bug. He told himself that it would be best to just not go to school, but he just shook his head. The thought of missing any school made him anxious when his classes were getting more and more difficult by the day. So, he sat up and swung his legs off of the bed, almost falling to the floor in a moment of dizziness. When he steadied himself, he proceeded to get ready for school. He could deal with this. It was only a little bad feeling. He could get through the day.

The sick feeling did not go away. That evening he forced down some dinner and went to bed feeling nauseous and sick. Somehow, though, he ended up asleep. Unsurprisingly, he woke up from a nightmare. His face was sweaty and a rolling chilly feeling crawled over his skin. He ended up throwing up in his bedroom's tiny wastebin, shivering and curling beside the bin until morning, hoping the nauseous feeling would subside.

The feeling did subside, but not enough and, again, Lovino contemplated missing school that day, but, for some reason, he just couldn't. He hauled himself off of the ground when his alarm went off, and proceeded to get ready as if it was any regular day. He dressed himself in multiple layers, feeling cold down to his bones, but he still found himself shivering from the time he got on the bus that morning to the time he got off of it that afternoon.

As he trudged down the sidewalk on his way home from the bus, he was aware of Antonio beside him, talking like it was any other day. He hadn't actually taken in a word the other had said until Antonio was nudging his arm.

"Did you hear what I said, Lovi?"

"Huh, what?" Was Lovino's response. He cursed himself for not giving a better answer.

"I guess not." Antonio chuckled, but his eyes didn't leave Lovino. "I asked if you were doing alright. You've been kind of quiet and you've been shivering all day. You aren't getting sick, are you?"

"No." Lovino shook his head frantically. "No, Antonio, I'm fine."

"Really? What about that cough you mentioned on Sunday? Could it be getting worse?"

"Wh- cough? What do you..." Lovino trailed off when he realized what Antonio was referring to. "Oh, um... maybe?" He hoped this would prove to cover up his slip.

"We should get you home, then! You shouldn't be straining yourself and worrying about things like school when you're sick! Here, I'll call Feli to let him know..." Antonio had gotten out his phone and was dialing someone.

"What?" Lovino asked, almost panicking. "No!" Before he thought anything of it, he swat the phone out of Antonio's hand and it fell to the ground, surprisingly unharmed.

"Lovi? What's the matter?" Antonio asked, surprised.

"No, no. Don't tell Feli. Really, I'm fine. I'll just go home and rest. I'll be better in no time."

"Lovino, you're starting to sound like how you did that day a few weeks ago."

Lovino stared at him. He didn't understand.

"You know, when you were sitting at the swing nearly falling right off of it from sleep. You didn't want to go home then. Is this why? You didn't want your family to know you weren't feeling well?"

Lovino felt the panic growing in his chest. Antonio was too close to the truth. He couldn't get out. He couldn't escape. "No, Antonio! Shut up! You don't know anything. Just leave me alone!" Lovino let his hands fly up to cover his ears and he started to storm off. He could hear Antonio's muffled protests from where he still stood at the sidewalk, but Lovino continued to stalk away. As he walked he felt the burst of energy he'd had left him, though, and his pace lessened. When he reached his house all remnants of the confrontation had dissipated and Lovino trudged up to his room to lay in his bed and try to fall asleep. He wasn't sure if he managed to or not, but he stayed there for the rest of the night.

-/-

Friday was the next day and Lovino was more than ready for the weekend when he got home from school that day. Antonio hadn't talked to him at all, only giving him glances when he thought he wasn't looking, but, altogether, not letting Lovino know how concerned he was. Of course, it was evident how concerned he was, but Lovino didn't mind the silence. It was all he knew how to deal with at the moment.

Lovino walked home, still beside Antonio who may have not been talking, but was not ignoring him either. They parted in front of the Vargas' house and Lovino went inside without a word, relieved he had the whole house to himself for a while. Feliciano had gone to the Potato family's house as far as he knew and no one else would be home for hours. This meant hours of peace for Lovino.

But when Lovino pushed open the door to his bedroom he found something he hadn't expected.

"Feli? I thought you had gone to the bastard's house today." Lovino said as he put his backpack in its usual place by the door.

"Lovino..." His brother's tone chilled him and he looked up, watching his brother's back as he faced Lovino's desk, "You've been acting... different this week."

Lovino swallowed. Had Antonio talked to Feliciano? "Feli, I'm really tired. Could we do this later?"

Feliciano turned around, his face full of hurt and his grip on something small that his hand almost completely covered. Lovino saw what it was though.

"You promised you would take your meds, Lovino." His brother stated firmly, his face turning into something that no one ever saw on Feliciano Vargas- something that resembled anger. Lovino knew his brother enough to know that it was indeed anger that covered his brother's face. Undeniable anger and betrayal. "Why haven't you been taking them?"

Lovino stayed silent. There wasn't anything else he could do. He couldn't tell Feliciano the truth and he sure as hell couldn't lie to him.

"Why, Lovino?" Feliciano burst out, a tear sliding down his face.

Lovino couldn't say anything but, "I'm sorry," in a broken whisper. He looked at the floor, no longer able to maintain eye contact with his brother.

He felt broken. He had known he was some sort of broken his whole life, but he had never felt it like this before. So complete. So hopelessly shattered. He couldn't lie to his brother, yet this whole week had been one big lie. He couldn't disappoint him, but he had never disappointed him as much as he had now.

He knew he couldn't go on like this, not taking his medication, but he also knew he couldn't without help. And here Feliciano was, trying to help Lovino, trying to get him to help himself. It wasn't so easy, but his brother was trying.

Feli walked toward his brother and thrust into his hand the little orange pill bottle Lovino hadn't even opened since the prescription had been filled. Lovino took the bottle and Feliciano locked his arms around him in a hug. "Please, take them." Feliciano pleaded in determination.

Without knowing why, Lovino shook his head. He couldn't. Even after all this, he still couldn't take them. Why couldn't he just take them?

"Lovino, I'm going to help you. I'm your brother; I'll always help you. Please, you just have to take one." Feli pulled back and stood a few inches away, giving his brother space, "That's a start, right?"

Lovino looked at him for a moment, then, at last, he felt something other than the pit of despair in his chest. He couldn't bring himself to the feeling of hope, it was unthinkable in his state of mind then, but what he felt there instead was the tight cord that suspended through the pit, connecting him and his brother. His brother who had always been there and who he knew would do anything for him.

It was a start. He uncapped the bottle and shook out one of the pills.

Feli retreated back to his brother's desk for a moment, rummaging around in his book bag that he must have brought with him when he had run here after the bus. He came back with his water bottle and handed it to Lovino.

Lovino accepted the bottle a bit absent-mindedly and drank down the pill with water. When he looked back at his brother, Feliciano had a small encouraging smile on his lips. He then coaxed Lovino to his bed.

"You should rest now, Lovi. It's been a long week..." As he tucked Lovino into bed as if his older brother were a small child, Lovino noticed that Feliciano's smile had become a bit sad.

"Good night, Lovi. I'll be here if you need me."

It didn't take long for Lovino to fall asleep.

* * *

 _Hi! Sup, guys! I'm glad I got this out this weekend, this chapter was definitely not ready to be posted last weekend! Haha. Oops._

 _Please let me know if the warnings aren't correct in some way or if there is a way I can word them better? I can't be sure sometimes, so please don't hesitate to let me know! I'd appreciate it so much; I want people to be comfortable with what they are reading and labeling with the correct warnings is definitely a key way to help in that._

 _As always, thank you to everyone who has taken their time to view, follow, favorite, or review! You guys are sweeties! (If you don't like that term then insert another endearing term there). Thanks and see you in the next update!_


	9. Chapter 9

Life didn't go back to normal. Then again, life hadn't been normal for over ten years for Lovino or anyone in the Vargas household.

Now Feliciano was keeping a closer eye on him and if that meant he had told their grandpa, Lovino did not know. Lovino's attitude had put his whole family on high alert that past week, anyway, so whether Feliciano had told Roma or not probably didn't even matter.

Lovino sighed as he flipped the page of his textbook. If he didn't get to bed soon, Feliciano was bound to come in to scold him and Lovino certainly didn't want that. He had seen more than enough of a concerned Feliciano that week.

Lovino closed his textbook with a thud and pushed it away from himself. Tomorrow was once again Friday. Once again almost the weekend. He had a test in Physics but other than that it should have been a pretty uneventful day to look forward to. He didn't have his hopes up though. The weekend seemed to always be the time for something to happen -for him to screw up in some way.

To be honest, it was nice being back on his normal schedule. The weekdays were structured and it gave him something to hold onto. Even if it was only a tiny part of his day that he took his meds, it still helped that he was back to doing that small morning routine he'd had since he was twelve. Breaking it, even when he'd felt like he couldn't do anything about it, had been nerve-wracking in itself.

Lovino had given up on walking to and from school anymore. It took too much time and Lovino was lazy enough as it was. He didn't want to keep dealing with the waking up extra early everyday and the long treks where his legs would grow wobbly and start to ache. He also came to find out that he was done avoiding Antonio.

To be honest, that last week had made Lovino completely forget that he was avoiding the jerk. Antonio was talking to him again too. He seemed to have forgiven Lovino for snapping at him and hadn't brought it up once that week. It was kind of nice to pretend last week had never happened and he had thanked the weekend for giving them all a rest from it. But, now, the weekend was coming again and Lovino knew it would not be as peaceful as the last.

That's when he heard it, a soft tap against his window. Lovino turned around from where he sat at his desk and watched the window, wondering if he had imagined it. When nothing else happened, Lovino crept to the window anyway, looking out into the dark night.

There, standing on the back lawn, was Antonio, a blanket drapped over his arm and a massive grin spread across his face as he peered up. When he saw Lovino approach the window, Lovino could have sworn he saw his eyes brighten through the darkness.

Lovino opened the window and leaned out a bit, whispering, "What are you doing, you idiot?"

Antonio exclaimed back in the same whispery voice, "I came to ask you a question!" In the quiet night, Lovino could hear him perfectly.

He just stared at Antonio. He must have been insane to come around here this late in the night. Being it a boy or girl coming around this late, his grandfather would equally kill whoever it was.

"Well," Lovino continued to whisper-shout, "What is it?"

Antonio seemed to realize he was waiting for the question. He shook his head. "Lovino, you must come down here first!"

Lovino gave him another 'Are you crazy?' look.

"Come on, Lovino!" Antonio said, not giving any other good reasons. Lovino rolled his eyes and Antonio seemed to brighten. He hated that Antonio knew him that well now.

So, Lovino snuck down the stairs, perhaps stealthy enough that no one heard, or perhaps his family thought he was going downstairs to get water or something. He hoped they hadn't heard, Feliciano would be on his ass soon about staying up too late.

"It's almost one in the morning!" Lovino whispered as he carefully closed the back door behind him.

"I know!" Antonio replied. "Isn't it great?"

"Not really." Lovino didn't let on to how excited he was to see Antonio. It was odd when he had actually been dreading seeing him the next morning. "So, what do you need to ask me?"

"Well, I was on the porch this afternoon, taking a nap, but, you see, the siesta went on much longer than I intended. When I woke up I knew there would be no way I could get even more sleep and I saw how the stars were so pretty. Aren't they pretty, Lovi? I knew I just had to share them with you." Antonio looked Lovino straight in his eyes, locking Lovino's gaze in green. Antonio finally broke the eye-contact and gazed upward, towards the stars.

Lovino joined him. He remembered when they had first moved here he had been really disappointed with the stars of the suburbs, comparing them with those he had seen most of his life in their old rural town. Now, as he looked up to the sky with Antonio, he saw the beautiful collection of stars above had somewhat multiplied in showing, as if the stars had deemed themselves presentable to perform that night.

He looked over at Antonio who was still lost in the night sky and, suddenly, Lovino had the urge to show Antonio just how brilliant the stars could really be. He could take him to the country side one day and they could lay in a field that went miles without a single tree to obstruct the line of view.

Antonio looked back down then, right into Lovino's waiting eyes. For once, Lovino didn't look away in embarrassment.

"So, I thought we could look at the stars together..." Antonio said, still in the trance of being captured by Lovino's eyes.

"So, your question was asking if I wanted to watch the stars? At one in the morning?"

"Yes. I mean," Antonio smirked,"You don't seem to sleep anyway."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Lovino asked, suddenly on the defensive. Antonio just placed his hands in the air in surrender. Without another word, he spread the blanket he had brought with him on the grass, throwing himself on it as soon as it has settled.

Lovino looked between him and the door, wondering if he should just go inside. He shrugged, then settled himself down on the blanket beside Antonio, laying down to get a good look of the stars. They lay there quietly for some time, staring at the little specks of light that dotted the night. The sky looked as if someone had poked little holes in the sky letting light through from the other side.

"How are you doing, Lovino?" Antonio asked, but his voice did not break the quiet. It almost seemed as if his voice and the peaceful night were one in the same in the way he spoke then.

Lovino found himself answering truthfully. "Better."

Antonio seemed to accept this answer, but didn't press on.

Lovino asked a question instead. "What is your family like, Antonio?" He didn't remember the last time he had called the bastard by name. Had he ever? It was odd, but something about the night made it not as surprising as it would have been.

Antonio took a moment to ponder the question. "Well, I live with my brother. His name is Afonso and we do not actually get along that well." Antonio laughed softly and Lovino found it hard to believe Antonio couldn't get along with someone. Perhaps he might have considered himself as that someone, but Lovino had learned that their relationship had become more complicated than that a long time ago.

Antonio closed his eyes. "And, as I said before, my parents do not live with us. I understand, though. They were probably a lot more understanding of me when the time came by giving me the option to go with them or stay."

"Was it really so important to them?" Lovino asked a bit bitterly. "What was important enough that they just left? And making you choose too? What kind of parents-" Lovino had to rein himself in before he said anything too offensive, though. He bit his lip. It was Antonio's parents they were talking about anyway.

"Yes, maybe it wasn't the best parenting they've ever done."Antonio opened his eyes again to peer at the stars. "You said your cousin lived here because of something similar?"

Lovino nodded even though he knew Antonio would not see it. "Romeo's parents travel a lot for work. They thought it might be best if he were just to stay with Grandpa Roma. I don't know what they were thinking. Grandpa already had to deal with Feli and I and all the other shit..." Lovino trailed off, realizing what he had been about to say would have raised some real flags. He decided to move on. "I guess I just don't understand how a parent could do that. Grandpa would never abandon us like that and our mother sure as hell wouldn't."

Lovino said it with such conviction he hadn't even realized how much of his mind he had actually spoken- actually acknowledged for a change. He waited for Antonio to reply, taken horrifically off guard by his next question.

"Where is your mother?" He said it with the right amount of care a person would when approaching a touchy topic, but Lovino's walls still couldn't handle it. He felt an earthquake shake his head, loosening those horribly constructed walls.

He didn't move. He told himself to move, to sprint back inside, to flee the danger, but his body wouldn't respond. He hadn't a single desire to speak, but he knew if he had, it would have been impossible anyway. His throat was constricting and the edges of his vision were blurry, yet he felt a long way away from fainting. It was as if he was entrapped in an eternal coffin, buried alive, yet he could still see the stars shining ahead.

Then Antonio's voice could be heard again and Lovino's vision snapped into clarity. Whatever had been pressing down on his throat released its suffocating hold.

"It's alright, Lovino. I suppose that's a bit personal. You don't have to answer." Antonio was watching him, arm propping him up and eyes full of concern.

Lovino took a few minutes to steady himself by continuing to lay motionless on the flat ground. He was alright. He hadn't had a flashback. He was still there. Lovino breathed, not caring how obvious it was that he was trying to calm himself down with his chest visibly rising and falling in large gulps of air. Antonio was still watching him and Lovino realized that Antonio had grabbed his hand. Lovino squeezed it and, as if it had been one last anchor, it helped him to feel like he could talk again.

"Sorry. I'm okay. It's fine." Lovino thought over Antonio's words he had said just a few seconds ago, or had it been minutes? _I suppose that's a bit personal_. Lovino wanted to laugh bitterly at the irony. Hadn't he just asked Antonio a personal question of his own? And Antonio had answered honestly. Why couldn't Lovino do the same?

But, Lovino knew why he couldn't. He knew Antonio now knew that too, though perhaps not completely. He had to tell him. He had to be sure Antonio understood. But how?

"There's, um, a reason I can't... talk about some of those things." Lovino started, flinching at the implication. He couldn't even say something that connected to his mother without hurting.

"Um... um..." Lovino carried on, feeling like he had already messed up. _Idiota_. Say something. He had never told anyone before. Not many people knew about it and the only people who did either learned from a doctor or from Grandpa Roma. He didn't know how to do this.

"It's alright, Lovino. I get it." Antonio's voice came from beside him, but Lovino just shook his head. He didn't know all of it. Lovino didn't think he could bring himself to tell him all of it, but he had to say enough for him to really get it.

"Do you know what PTSD is?" Lovino asked, surprising himself that he had finally said something. Antonio fell silent beside him and Lovino turned to see him. Antonio looked at him with wide, caring eyes and just nodded his head.

Lovino shrugged, knowing there was only way for this confession to end. He looked back to the stars. It helped in some way in getting his words out. "Yeah, well, I was diagnosed with it a while ago after-" But Lovino fell silent on the last part. He hadn't needed to add that last part in, but he thought maybe he could do it- just slip it in there as he spoke.

Antonio stayed quiet and Lovino felt his continued gaze on him. Then, "For how long?" Antonio wondered, not forcing Lovino to continue in that thought.

"I was diagnosed when I was five." Lovino said, the simple facts seemingly easier to talk about.

Lovino could see Antonio was taking it all in and stayed silent. He didn't have anything really to add in any way; the hard part was over with.

"Is that what Feliciano was talking about the other day, then? When you guys had to get to the pharmacy? You didn't actually have a cold last week." The last sentence was not a question. It was a statement.

Lovino was slightly surprised by the question. "Um... no." Lovino felt guilty thinking about that day- more precisely, the days that had followed. " I didn't have a cold. But those aren't for PTSD; those are antidepressants." Lovino said the word carefully, as if it could burn the air around them if not handled with care. "I was diagnosed with depression when I was twelve. The doctors say it could be a factor of my PTSD or something with heredity..." Lovino trailed off again, but he wouldn't let himself give up that easily. He deserved to speak how he wanted, to not have to skip around certain things at the risk of falling into a flashback or a panic attack. "My mom had depression too." It came out as a whisper and Lovino tried not to think of the meaning of his words too much. It hurt not to be able to think too much of his mother. His beautiful memories of her had all been tainted by the blood and the shriek and the _thump_ of that horrific afternoon.

 _Thump. Thump. Thump_. He heard his heart beating in his chest, mimicking his memories. Mocking his weakness and pain.

"I had no idea..." Antonio said beside him. Lovino swallowed. He shouldn't have told him. This had been a mistake. Lovino's heart continued to _thump, thump, thump_.

The squeeze of Antonio's hand brought Lovino's mind away from the thumps of his heart and memory. He looked over at the other boy laying beside him finally and instead his heart thumped for another reason.

They lay there in silence for a while longer, comfortable in watching the darkness around them and listening to the soft noises of the night. He hadn't told Antonio much compared to everything that had actually happened, yet he felt as if he had shared his whole heart with him. Well, perhaps not all of his heart...

Lovino looked over to where the other was laying, preoccupied in his peaceful night watching. Lovino smiled. It was small and not a soul saw it that night, but Lovino let his lips feel the quiet joy he had in his heart then.

It was a new feeling, being so open and content in another person's presence. Lovino found that he liked the change, though. He liked it very much.

-/-

It was odd having another person who knew about his past. He didn't know the whole of it and Lovino debated on telling him, but he knew it wouldn't be until long into the future when he eventually worked up to telling Antonio. Would he still know Antonio by that time? Would they still be friends?

In his old town, everyone had known about everyone's' lives. It was a small town, so whatever made it to one ear, made it to them all. That was what had been part of the relief about moving here. No one knew here and no one needed to.

But now someone definitely knew.

It was stressful to say the least. Lovino didn't even think Feliciano had told his Potato Bastard boyfriend yet and, yet, Lovino had told Antonio- someone he barely even knew.

But that wasn't right, though, was it? He knew Antonio a lot more than some kid at his school now or some stranger he had met at his brother's friend-turned-boyfriend's house. Lovino finally had a friend and one that Feliciano hadn't set up so Lovino would stop being his loner self. Lovino had never really liked friends and never really wanted them, but this was different. This friend was real.

But now he felt all too exposed. Antonio knew so much about him. Lovino knew Antonio enough to know that he would never tell a soul, but it still felt so odd. Just the possibility that there was some way his past had the capability of being spread was frightening.

When he walked down the halls at school the next day, he felt as if all eyes were on him- all whispers directed toward him. Lovino felt as if any minute someone would say something to him, something all too close to his heart, and he wouldn't be able to keep it together.

Maybe that's why, as Lovino walked, he turned down a hallway where no classes were and slipped out the door at the end of it, letting himself outside into the crisp autumn air. He kept walking, swearing that someone would stop him at any minute, but not caring enough to stop. Surely it couldn't be this easy to sneak out of school. Surely someone had seen him and knew he was ditching.

Lovino walked to the back of the student parking lot and sat down on the curb behind the last row of cars in between the lot and the forest that lay behind the school. It seemed like a good enough place to hang without drawing attention. He could probably stay back there for hours without anyone noticing.

Lovino placed his face between his knees and placed his hands on top of his head. He felt a lot calmer now. No one was there to watch him or to see if he broke down. He didn't feel like crying or yelling or punching something, though. He just felt like sitting there until the day was over.

The crunch of boots on the black asphalt of the lot caught Lovino's attention, though and his head snapped up. Before he could scurry away unseen from the intruder, the tall man was already looking down at him with an intense glare.

Lovino weighed his options in the case and knew it was either this guy was going to get him in trouble or would cause him trouble. Being as he seemed to also be ditching class, Lovino was assuming the latter. But when he simply looked at Lovino and sat down beside him, Lovino seemed to have been mistaken.

"Um, hi..." He said to the stranger, not sure what else to do. The man simply grunted beside him. He had tan skin and dark hair. His brown eyes had changed from confusion to a look of nonchalance and now he peered at Lovino with an almost amused kind of look.

"Wanna smoke?" The man asked and Lovino looked down to see him offering him a cigarette.

He looked back up and realized he recognized the man. He was actually a Turkish boy who was in his Senior year at their school. Lovino's gaze flickered between him and the smoke in his hand. "Seriously?"

The Turk rolled his eyes and withdrew the cigarette, seemingly unable to put up with bullshit for long. Lovino felt kind of bummed that he had missed his opportunity, but didn't say anything else on the subject.

"Um, what's your name?" Lovino asked, still kind of lost.

"Sadik." The other said, breathing out a puff of smoke.

"Lovino." Silence enveloped them once again, but this time Lovino let it. For a while they just sat there like that, neither speaking a word.

"There's something on your mind." Sadik spoke up eventually, startling Lovino out of his silence.

Lovino looked at the guy. "Why do you say that?"

Sadik simply shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe I'm hanging around Heracles too much. So, what is it? You going to spit it out or what?"

Lovino took a moment, really wondering if he was about to tell practically a stranger about something like this. "Have you ever had a secret that you've never told anyone? Then one day you just do?"

Lovino looked at the pavement as he spoke and Sadik stayed silent. "I guess it's just weird. It's not like no one has ever known it. Actually, a lot of people have. It's just weird that I've finally told someone... I don't know if it makes it less or more of a secret now."

Lovino finally looked over at the guy next to him. He was on guard to see if the guy would be judging him or not, but Sadik's face was neutral and looking toward the football field to their right. Then he nodded.

"You know, Lovino, secrets are a tricky thing. Sometimes you think it's best to keep them and it comes back to bite you. If this person is close to you then my opinion is that it's probably best that you told them. If they're close enough to you that you told them the secret, then you should trust them enough to keep it."

Lovino shook his head. He trusted Antonio. As crazy as that may be, he really did. It was himself he didn't quite trust.

"He'll keep the secret." Lovino said confirming his thoughts aloud, "It's all the other stuff that's come with telling him, really. I've never really had a friend before..." His voice trailed off a bit embarrassed at the confession, "Besides, what I told him... my problems... they'll never end. What kind of pressure is there with that?"

"All things end and, like all things, this will too." Sadik paused then chuckled under his breath, "I _really_ have been hanging around Heracles too much." Then, the other stood from his place on the curb, throwing down the butt of his cigarette and stamping on it. "Good luck with your secret." Sadik looked toward the field to the right in determination. "Now, I guess I should go deal with mine."

The Turk set off across the parking lot and Lovino watched after him until he disappeared down the hill. Now he was left with his own decision: should he go back in and pretend he could finish off that day of school or should he leave?

Lovino thought a while on it, then stood up, walking to the sidewalk in front of the building and strolling down it for countless blocks until he reached his own neighborhood. He walked straight for the vacant park at the entrance and sat down on the swing, the same he had been nearly falling off of from sleep just a few weeks ago. This time, though, he decided to actually put it to use and swung as high as he could.

He would wait here for the day and he would wait for Antonio. He wasn't running away and wasn't changing his mind. He thought on Sadik's words and wondered, could it even apply to his situation? Could any of this end?

Would this, like all things, end?

* * *

 _Awesome! So, I feel pretty accomplished this weekend with not only updating this story, but also posting the first chapter to my new story! The genre is a bit different, but I am no less excited to write for it! I'm super stoked with both of these stories right now and I cannot wait for more updates. Yay! Hope to see you guys then and THANK YOU to all who have supported me thus far!_


	10. Chapter 10

"Hey, Lovi." Antonio called, surprised to see the other at the park at this time of the day. Lovino started to slow his pace on the swing, then jumped off, landing on his feet.

"Bastard, I told you not to call me that." Lovino grumbled as he swept his hair back from his eyes. "Why are you walking from that way, anyway? I figured the bus had dropped you off at the stop half an hour ago."

"I walked home." Antonio shrugged, unable to contain his smile around the other. "I had to stay after school for something." This was an obvious lie. He had actually missed the bus looking for Lovino who he thought had decided to walk home that day. Now he saw that Lovino had been right here the entire time.

"How did you get here so early? Did you ride the bus?"

Lovino seemed slightly embarrassed. "No. I guess I'm just faster than your lazy ass."

Antonio could tell he was lying, but he didn't say anything about it.

"So, what have you been doing here?" Antonio asked.

"What does it look like I've been doing? I'm swinging on the damn swing."

"May I swing with you?"

"I'm not swinging anymore but have fun." Lovino said as he started to walk toward the bench where he had laid his backpack. Antonio followed after, plopping himself right down on the bench.

"So, guess what happened today?" Antonio said, looking for something to talk about -something to keep Lovino's attention.

Lovino rolled his eyes. "What?"

"Roderich slapped Gilbert." At Lovino's face of horror, Antonio continued, "I have no idea why, but Francis and I couldn't stop laughing. Gil was quite embarrassed."

"He probably deserved it." Lovino's horror melted and he picked up his bag, "I'm impressed at the guy, though. Who knew the musician had it in him?"

" _Si_ , I know he snaps at Gil a lot, but I never expected him to _slap_ him. I asked Gil, and he doesn't seem to know what he did wrong."

"Doesn't surprise me." Lovino shrugged and sat on the bench beside Antonio. He slumped against the hard backrest and held his backpack in his lap. "You think he'll get in trouble?"

"I hope not. I mean, for anyone else it would probably just be a day of detention, but with Roderich's program and all I don't know how strict the rules are."

"You think they'll send him home?" Lovino sat up in alarm. Lovino barely knew Roderich as far as Antonio was aware and was touched by Lovino's genuine concern.

Antonio shrugged. "I don't think anyone will snitch, but with how word goes around, someone's bound to hear eventually. I'm hoping he will just get a warning. It's no small thing sending someone overseas for school, anyway."

Lovino nodded and asked, "Have you ever been out of the country?"

"Yes, haven't I ever told you? I was born in Spain."

Lovino's eyebrows shot up. "Seriously?"

Antonio nodded. "I moved here the summer before fourth grade. That very first year was when I met Gilbert and Francis."

"You've been stuck with those jerks for that long?"

Antonio chuckled, always amused at how Lovino could say things so openly like that. It contrasted with how much he wasn't actually saying. "How about you? Have you ever been out of the country?"

"Once." Lovino didn't elaborate all that much, "We went to Italy a couple of years ago to see family."

"That sounds nice. I'd like to see Italy one day." Antonio leaned back in his seat. "I'd like to see all of Europe. When I still lived in Spain, my family went on vacation to France once, but that was so long ago. I'd like to see it all again."

Lovino was nodding, seeming more keen to continue as the conversation carried on. "I want to go back to Italy one day... maybe stay awhile longer. We went for a family reunion and while the family part had been kind of awkward, there was something about the country itself -the landscape, the people, the towns -it all just seemed… right to me."

"Your soul must be in Italy just like mine is in Spain. I haven't been there in years, but I can't help feeling as if some part of me still lies there waiting for me to return." Antonio said, surprised Lovino didn't scoff at the notion. When Lovino didn't reply at all Antonio decided to look around and noticed it was a nice day out.

The cold of the upcoming autumn wasn't present and it was serene to sit and watch the coloring trees and cloudy blue sky and see the occasional tiny brown bird fly in the open air above. Antonio had noticed that Lovino seemed a bit calmer around him recently. He wondered if it had anything to do with the fact that Antonio now knew about his PTSD.

"Hey, Lovino, I've been meaning to ask you something…" Antonio spoke up and Lovino looked over, "Um, well, there's this party coming up. It's at Tim and Emma's house, right up the street. Their parents are gone for the weekend to see their brother which is kind of a long story, so Emma convinced Tim to let them have a party. I don't think Tim was too happy about it at first, but since Emma says Vladimir will probably come I think that really changed his mind-"

"Antonio?" Lovino said calmly.

Antonio looked at him, surprised at the interruption. "Yes?"

"Cut to the chase."

"Oh, yes." Antonio chuckled to hide his embarrassment. "Well, I wondered if you would want to come?"

"Go to the party… with you?"

Antonio nodded, hoping he would say yes. To tell the truth, he didn't know when it had happened, but he had grown to like Lovino a little more than just as friends. He had tried to pinpoint it many times. Had it been when Lovino had trusted him enough to tell him his secret? No, it felt much older than that. Had it been the first time they had met and his heart and broken a little when Lovino thought he had only been talking to him per his brother's request? Could it really have been from the very beginning?

Antonio just didn't know. He felt like he had always felt this way, yet it was so new to him that he knew that could not be. He didn't let the feelings confuse him, though. Instead he embraced them and used them and owned them, hoping they would help in showing Lovino how he felt. He wanted that chance, to let Lovino really know and to, possibly, see if he felt the same in return.

"Okay." The voice interrupted the thoughts and feelings pulling through Antonio's head.

"What?" Antonio asked, not quite hearing as he was startled from his thoughts.

Lovino blushed and looked down at the seat of the bench. "I said I'd go, bastard."

The words dawned on Antonio and his heart jumped in glee. He hadn't known how surprised he would be upon realizing Lovino would actually say yes. A smile spread across his lips and he watched the red tinge in Lovino's cheeks deepen as he continued studying the wood of the bench.

"I look forward to it then." He replied, feeling strangely accomplished and altogether thrilled.

-/-

"You're going to a party with Antonio!?" Was Feliciano's response upon hearing Lovino's Saturday plans for the first time.

"Yeah," Lovino said defensively, "So?"

Feli hung upside down from Lovino's bed where he constantly sat whenever he visited his brother's room. " _So_ ," He said, practically falling off the bed from widely swinging his arms as he spoke, "Is it like a date?" He was way too excited for this development, Lovino thought.

Lovino sputtered from where he sat at his desk, also his usual spot when his brother visited. "No! Why would I ever go on a date with that jerk?"

Feliciano giggled, "I don't knooow…."

Lovino turned back to his desk where he had been sketching in his free time. He wasn't sure what exactly would come out of the conglomeration of lines scribbled on the paper, but it was relaxing having something to do, especially now that he was trying to ignore his brother.

"What are you going to wear?" Feli asked.

Lovino didn't even look up. "Why does it matter?"

"Well, for an answer that you can actually stand, that's just what people do when they go to social functions. For another answer, so you can look nice for Antonio."

Lovino stayed silent, trying to show his brother that his teasing would do no good. He scribbled harder in his notebook, forcing his eyes to stay exactly where they were.

"When is the party?" Feliciano asked, ignoring his brother's silence.

"We're meeting at six." Lovino said, only half paying attention to the conversation now that he had figured out what it was he was drawing.

"Six!" Feliciano's exclamation had caused Lovino to whip around to look at his brother. Feli was sitting up and his face was flushed from being upside down for so long.

"What's the matter?" Lovino asked, surprised at having been pulled away from his drawing by the exclamation.

"It's 4:45, Lovi! That gives us, like, no time for you to get ready!"

"What?" Lovino started to turn back to his work, realizing his attention had been drawn away for no reason, "I've got plenty of time."

But in a flash his brother was upon him and pulling at his arm. " _Lovi_ , that's not enough time! You have to go get in the shower now! I'll go through your clothes; maybe we can hurry!"

"Feli, calm down!" Lovino said, eyebrows furrowed and refusing to move.

"No." His brother was still pulling his arm, but he had gotten serious about the matter, as if it was of some grave importance. "I'm helping you whether you like it or not, Lovi. Get in the shower; that's an order." He stopped pulling at his arm then, electing to stare down at his brother instead.

"Really, Feliciano?" Lovino sounded a bit exasperated at knowing he wouldn't be able to get out of this.

"Really."

So Lovino got up and walked toward the door to his bathroom, his brother already in his closet going through different articles of clothing. Lovino couldn't help but smiling. A lot had changed these past weeks and he couldn't help feeling so much had turned for the better.

Then his mind traveled to the night ahead of him and he grew anxious. But there was also something else. Somehow, Lovino was also, strangely, thrilled.

-/-

Antonio would have picked up Lovino at his house, but the other had insisted that they meet at Antonio's, saying, "You don't want to deal with my grandfather. Besides, your house will be closer, right?"

Antonio honestly didn't mind meeting Lovino's grandfather, but Lovi had seemed pretty set on meeting him elsewhere, so Antonio sat on his porch and waited. It was almost six and honestly he was surprised he had gotten ready in time for once. He had actually been ready for a while if he was truly honest.

" _Ciao, bastardo_." Came the voice of the one person Antonio ever looked forward to seeing these days. Antonio grew increasingly happy in Lovino's presence.

" _Hola_ , Lovi!" Antonio said as he stood from his spot on the porch steps. "Are you ready for the party?"

"Would I be here if I wasn't?"

"I suppose not." Antonio replied, not taking Lovino's rude tone to heart. He had gotten used to the way the other boy talked long ago.

The few blocks to Emma and Tim's house was mostly walked in silence as neither knew what to speak of. When they arrived, some random party-goer answered the door and Antonio and Lovino were greeted by loud, upbeat music and a mass of people dancing, sitting, talking, snacking, and whatever else people did at parties.

Antonio walked through to the room on the right which seemed to be the living room, grabbing Lovino by the hand as to not lose him in the crowd. When he looked behind him he found Lovino following closely, hand still in Antonio's and looking slightly nervous. Antonio squeezed his hand and stopped off to the side of the room where there weren't a lot of people around.

"There are a lot more people than I thought there would be!" Antonio yelled over the music. Lovino looked at him with one eyebrow raised. They stood there for a minute until Antonio felt again he should attempt conversation. "You look nice!"

Lovino didn't seem to hear him though. He was looking around the room watching the different people mingle and laugh and dance. A thought dawned on Antonio. "Hey Lovi-" But just then he was interrupted.

"Antonio! We found you!" The German accent of one of his friends interrupted him.

"Hello, Lovino." Came the French accent of the other, "If you would pardon us, we must rudely borrow Antonio for a minute. Really, it will be very quick."

Antonio caught a flash of alarm cross Lovino's face at the thought of being abandoned in this large crowd of strangers before his friends yanked him away. As soon as they were in the kitchen Antonio turned on them in disbelief.

"What was that? Can't whatever it is wait?"

"No, it must be now." Francis told him.

"You'll see! We're actually helping you!" Gilbert said.

"Helping me?"

"Yeah, I mean, what are friends for?"

"Helping me with what exactly?" Antonio felt uneasy. His friends' definition of "helping" didn't always match up with his own in situations like this.

"With Lovino, of course! We're going to see if he actually likes you!"

Before Antonio could protest Francis continued with the explanation. "It's simple really. We stand here and wait for Emma to talk to him. She'll find out in no time."

"Guys, I'm not so sure about this plan…"

"It'll be fine! Look, they're already clicking!" Gilbert said from where he peered out the kitchen door. Antonio walked over to join him and saw that Emma was already chatting with Lovino.

Gilbert stood and walked over to one of the kitchen counters, which he promptly sat upon. Antonio took the chair opposite the one Francis was in at the little breakfast table.

"I suppose leaving them alone for a short while wouldn't hurt." Antonio resigned, still feeling like since he was the one who had brought Lovino he should be the one with him.

"So, Gilbert," Francis said, already moving on to another conversation, "Is the little Austrian still mad at you?"

Gilbert laughed. "Yep. He stays in his room whenever I'm home unless it's dinner time. Dinner at the Beilschmidt residence has gotten quite awkward these days." Gilbert looked down into his hands, "I wish I knew what I did."

Antonio and Francis exchanged a glance. They'd had an inkling for a while as to what was actually between the two. Both Gilbert and Roderich were both the type too stubborn to admit it, but it didn't change what everyone else saw.

"Maybe you should take him out for some coffee to apologize or something?" Antonio suggested.

Gilbert looked at him. "What? Why would I do that? I did nothing wrong!"

"Well, Roderich sure seems to think differently." Francis chimed in, "Maybe this way you could at least figure out what it was."

Gilbert looked at them both in turn with doubt on his face. They didn't get a chance to discuss anymore about it, though, because that was when Emma walked in.

Without acknowledging them she walked over to the a counter in the corner of the room where there was an assortment of liter bottles of soda and a tall stack of plastic Solo cups. After she was finished filling two cups she walked over to Antonio.

"Here." She handed over the cups with a smile, "You shouldn't leave your date out there alone at a party."

Antonio took the cups in confusion.

Gilbert spoke up. "Well? What did you find out from him?"

Emma shrugged, then without another word walked off. The three of them watched after her in bewilderment.

" _Mon dieu_ , I never would have thought that plan would backfire." Francis said.

Antonio shook his head and stood up. "Well, I'm going back in there. Any other clever ideas from you guys?"

Gilbert only clapped him on the back. "Go get him!"

And then Antonio was back at Lovino's side. "Sorry I took so long. Those two are hard to say no to."

Lovino accepted the cup Antonio offered him and took a tentative sip. "Whatever."

The two talked for a while and actually stayed in that same spot for the remainder of the party. Antonio learned a lot of new things about Lovino, such as that he liked to draw and that his favorite food was lasagna. He also learned that he was pretty close to his brother despite how everyone thought otherwise. In fact, when the two were younger, apparently Feliciano was very prone to being picked on by the other children and Lovino would often get into physical fights over it. Antonio couldn't help finding this very sweet, yet also very alarming.

Antonio also told Lovino about himself, about life back in his dear _España_ and how he had many cousins both that he knew and didn't.

At around nine they decided to leave. People were starting to get rowdy and it was becoming increasingly difficult to hear one another. Besides, Lovino was due home soon anyway.

The streets were dark and quiet, prettily illuminated by the street lamps above. They walked in silence, still affected by the sudden change in volume and shy to speak up lest someone hear them.

Finally they seemed to ease into the new atmosphere and began to talk again.

"Did you enjoy the party?" Antonio asked.

Lovino shrugged. "It was okay."

Antonio chuckled. He hadn't expected any less from Lovino. "I'm glad you liked it. Parties can be really boring sometimes but I'm glad you were there. I think talking with you made it a lot more interesting."

Even through the night Antonio could see the blush spread across Lovino's face and without thinking he reached over and took the other's hand. Lovino froze in surprise, looking down at their hands, but Antonio kept walking, pretending nothing had changed. Antonio had held Lovino's hand before, one had been just earlier that night when he had been leading Lovino throughout the crowded house and the other one had been the night Lovino had told him the truth about his past. This time was different though. He wasn't comforting Lovino or holding his hand for practical reasons. This time was just because he could.

Soon they arrived back at Lovino's house and stopped at the short outside gate. Lovino was the first to speak up.

"Thanks for inviting me." This left Antonio pleasantly surprised.

"Well, thank you for coming with." A silence enveloped them then, as if neither were sure what would come next. The next thing Antonio knew Lovino was opening the gate and slipping his hand from his own.

"I'll see you later, I guess."

"Lovino, wait!"

And before he could think about it and before the other could tell what was coming, Antonio grabbed Lovino's hand again, pulling him toward him and pressing his lips against Lovino's. The kiss was short and before Lovino had the chance to respond in any way, Antonio pulled away and stepped back.

Lovino's face was the darkest shade of red Antonio had ever seen it and he looked shocked beyond speech. Antonio felt a little out of breath and, not knowing exactly why, breathed out, "Goodnight, Lovi," as if the kiss had been nothing but a gesture of farewell - a very intimate gesture of farewell.

Lovino opened his mouth as if trying to say something, but closed it upon further consideration. Then he just nodded, turned, and practically sprinted up the path to the front door, slipping inside and disappearing from sight. Antonio stood there for a moment, watching the door and unable to move until a smile started to spread on his face.

He had just kissed Lovino. They had kissed with only that small fence between them and the autumn air twirling the leaves around their feet and the stars shining beautifully above.

Antonio turned his head up to the sky, feeling that same cool air of the evening on his face as he walked away from the gate to take up the mellow pace back to his own house. He couldn't believe what he had just done, but he wouldn't have taken it back for the world.

* * *

 _Hi! So, um, sorry it's been so long... But, hey, they finally kissed! Jeez, took them long enough. Haha._

 _So, I've noticed that there were a couple of guest reviews on the last update and wanted to say thank you to you guys! Not only that but to all the guest reviews I've gotten for this story. I can't direct message you, so I figured I'd say that here. Thank you and I'm so glad you like the story!_

 _And, of course, thank you to everyone for reading, favoriting, following, and reviewing! I'm serious when I say that it brightens my day. Thanks for making me smile!_

 _PS I was looking for a name for Luxembourg. As far as I know, he'll be mentioned in this story but not technically introduced, but I still need a name. I found a few I like(Louis, Neckel) but can't decide. I've done some research on popular names in Luxembourg and I'm kind of leaning toward Louis, but I'm still not sure yet. If you have a preference or have a new one to contribute please let me know! It would help a ton. Thanks!_


	11. Chapter 11

_Hey guys! Long time no see, yeah? I know; I'm so sorry about the wait! I deserve all the wrath you can muster. In part, I must blame school. School had been so busy as of late, but now it's summer, so yay!_

 _Thank you **gdesertsand** for being a great friend and for getting me to finally update! Stay awesome, my friend! Everyone check out her new Hetalia fic; it's awesome and deserves your love!_

* * *

Lovino's head was spinning as he shut the door behind him. Antonio had just kissed him. There wasn't question that it had been intentional and none that it had been the best experience of Lovino's life. The touch still lingered on his lips, faint now like a whisper of what had been there a minute before. His breathing had been rapid, but was now calming as the memory replayed over and over again in his mind.

Lovino closed his eyes and leaned against the door. He felt like he was in some cheesy teen romance movie, but the giddy feeling in his stomach and the thumping of his heart wouldn't let him act as he normally would when something different happened to him- something he didn't know how to act about. And even if Lovino could calm himself down, he felt he wouldn't have wanted to just shrug it off or huff and stalk to his room. This was new and exuberant and, though Lovino didn't know what to do about it, he wouldn't have wanted to feel any different.

"Lovi's home!" Feliciano's screech jolted him from his trance and up from his position against the door. Feli had already seen the look on his brother's face though, "Did you have fun? Why are you smiling?"

Lovino suddenly felt stifled in his new emotions and struggled to push them down as he scowled at his brother. He tried to roll his eyes to seem nonchalant.

Then, before Lovino said anything, Feliciano gasped, understanding dawning on his face, " _Oh mio dio!_ Lovi, did you-" Suddenly Feli broke off and looked behind him. He then leaned forward secretively and whispered, " _Did you kiss_?"

Lovino felt his face heat up and imagined it was the deepest red it had ever turned. He tried to say something- to defend himself or lie- but his mind was blank and he ended up gaping at his little brother like a wide-eyed fish.

Feliciano took this as an answer- one easily decipherable- and squealed. Lovino's brow furrowed and he crossed his arms, giving his brother a look that would shut him up, and when that proved ineffective stalked upstairs to his room, a mixture of emotions mixing in his mind like soup. Embarrassment was definitely one. The fact that his brother just _knew_ embarrassed him and, on top of that, splashed annoyance into the brew. Despite his brother's prying questions, though, it wasn't enough to distract Lovino from his vertigo. The giddy feeling still overpowered all of his other emotions.

His mind was muddled and his chest was swirling in that unmistakable way it had started to do since he had met Antonio. And now, away from his brother and alone in his room, Lovino let the tiny smile reappear on his face.

-/-

The rest of the weekend Lovino had tried to make sense of it. Why would Antonio kiss him? Why would he kiss _him_? Lovino was no one special and he knew Antonio could do _much_ better. So why him...

Lovino didn't have an answer and when he still didn't have one come Sunday evening he began to worry what the next day would be like. Before he knew it, Monday was already there.

So Lovino did the only thing he knew how. He avoided Antonio. Any time Antonio would find him in the halls Lovino would run off before the other reached him. When it was time to go home, Lovino hid in one of the bathrooms until he was convinced Antonio was long gone on the bus or already walking home along the sidewalk. It wasn't the most dignified thing Lovino had ever done, but it sure as hell worked in the long run.

Now, Lovino was finally home, having walked at a slow enough pace as to not accidentally run into Antonio's slow ass. Having just walked up the path to the front door, Lovino was met by both Feli and Romeo on their way out.

"Oh, Lovi! We were looking for you! Did you walk home? I guess you must have. Anyway, we were given a list of errands from Grandpa, so we're going to go do that. You should come with us!"

Lovino was going to argue with his brother, but somehow found himself sitting shot-gun in the car anyway. Curse his brother's ability to drag him everywhere!

Once they arrived, though, Lovino had been promptly left to wander as his brother had elected to go explore the 'to-do' list their grandfather had given them and Romeo had disappeared on his own somewhere through the shops and streets of the shopping district.

Lovino knew they couldn't have gone too far, as the shopping district was actually a single street lined with various shops and people and blocked off from cars on either end during the weekend. It wasn't the weekend, though, which meant Lovino would have to stay on the much too narrow sidewalks.

There wasn't much to do, for Lovino only ever went out by himself if there was a task at hand to be done. It was different when his brother or even cousin were there; if he had company it wasn't so pointless being out, but now that they had both ditched him all he could do was walk down the sidewalk and hope Feli and Romeo would be ready to leave soon. He skirted around the tables set outside the icecream shop and let his eyes wander across the windows of various clothing stores. It wasn't until he approached another shop unknown to him that he began to slow and stop as he smelled something sugary and delicious wafting out.

Usually Lovino wasn't a sweets person, but the aromas from this store were very pleasant standing out in the slight chill of a windless day. It was a bakery, Lovino noted, and, if anything, it was somewhere to sit while he waited for his family to finish up whatever things they had run off to go do.

The bell above the door chimed as he came in and the smells became stronger as he was in the actual building. Lovino looked around at the small but cute bakery with only a few two-seated tables toward the walls of the shop, most stood by windows and the others had small-framed paintings hung above them.

A feminine voice rang from the back, supposedly behind that swinging door that must have gone to the ovens and other baking equipment. "I'll be with you in a minute!"

Lovino walked to the counter and waited, glancing at the small chalkboard that designated the pastries of the day and looking over the counter to where pamphlets for catering and pre-ordering lay in their neat little boxes. Lovino decided to look through the glass counter to perhaps decide what he was getting as to not waste this woman's time.

"Hey, I know you!" The voice was a lot closer than before and Lovino looked up to see the girl who had just come from the back. It was that girl he had met at the party Antonio had taken him to... Emma.

Lovino put on a nice smile. "Hello."

"Lovino, right?" Emma had a tray in her oven-mitted hands and brought it over to the counter, sliding it on and removing the mits. When Lovino confirmed, she smiled and nodded.

"Thought so." She proceeded in layering the hot pastries she had just brought out with powdered sugar then began sliding them onto their designated tray below the counter.

There was silence, but it was not an awkward one, despite their last conversation they had had. At the party Emma had introduced herself by saying, "I'm Emma and you're Antonio's date?"

Lovino had, of course, no idea what to say to that. The question had been so direct, so unlike the people he usually spoke to and definitely not how he was used to talking with girls. The question had taken him off guard. _Was_ he Antonio's date? Was he on a _date_?

Aside from his initial take on the conversation, Lovino had quickly gotten used to the way this girl talked and found that it was easier than he had initially thought. They seemed to have clicked somehow and Lovino had actually enjoyed the conversation beyond that point.

"So, what can I get you?" The present Emma asked, pushing the last pastry into the displaying tray and straightening up, brushing her hands across her powdered apron that covered torn jeans and a cotton shirt.

Lovino let his gaze pass over the counter once more before looking back to Emma. "What would you recommend?"

"Well," Emma leaned across the counter and mumbled, "Between us, half of the stuff at this store is shit." She pulled back and resumed in her normal voice, "I'd be happy to point out what I'd recommend,though."

Lovino wasn't as inclined to trying one of these previously delectable looking treats now. Emma spoke up again, though. "I bake many of these items, but don't judge me for it. I'm not allowed to change the recipe as I'd like to." That didn't seem to please Emma and she crossed her arms, "They hired me because I'm good at baking, yet they don't let me actually bake. Making me follow the recipes to the T isn't what I'd call _baking_."

Emma looked behind her and leaned in again, "That doesn't stop me from changing it when the boss isn't looking, though." She leaned naturally against the counter looking happy with herself and started to look along the counter to point out various items.

"I wouldn't trust these ones on most days, but they should be alright today. And these are usually pretty okay as long as they're fresh. Those that I just brought out are my favorites, actually, aside from the chocolate they sometimes let me make."

"You sound pretty confidant in your skills." Lovino said, earning another smug look from Emma.

"I'm pretty much the best you can get out there. Especially in here." Emma had lowered her voice again for that last remark. "I make the best waffles, but the owners won't add it to the menu, so I stick with making them at home." She shrugged and stooped to retrieve the pastry Lovino had picked. In the end, Lovino had decided on one of the powdered ones she had just brought out.

"I also think I make a mean carrot cake. Tim's rabbit seems to think so -here or to-go?"

"Um, here." Lovino replied and Emma put the pastry on a small dish and walked to the register where Lovino paid. "So, your brother has a rabbit?"

Emma nodded and hummed in agreement, putting the money in the register and handing him his receipt. "He doesn't seem the type, I know. Our parent's gave him the rabbit around the same time that we got Pelze, the family dog. Shortly after getting her we found out that Tim was allergic to dogs, but we couldn't give Pelze away because she had really become Louis' dog."

"Louis?" Lovino asked, not remembering hearing the name anywhere.

Emma slid the dish across the counter, "Yeah, our younger brother. He loved Pelze from the moment we got her."

"Antonio said your parents were visiting him." Lovino recalled.

Emma looked down at the counter. "Yeah. It's kind of a long story, but, basically, Louis got into some trouble last year, so now he's attending a rehabilitation school." Emma looked up and shrugged, "It's kind of far away so my parents will take the weekend to go visit. Tim and I couldn't go this time because they aren't due back until this evening, so we would have missed school."

"Oh." Lovino was taken off guard by the admission, "I'm sorry. You didn't have to tell me..."

Emma just shrugged again. "It's not like everyone doesn't know already."

Lovino knew the feeling. That was exactly the reason he had been so relieved to move away from their old town. Everyone had known everything about them -about him. They had known about his mom and his disorders and every story of his childhood growing up there. Lovino had thought it was only like that in close, small towns, but it seemed that there in the suburbs it was no different. Word got around wherever you lived.

"But I like you." Emma continued, "There's something about you -I don't know what it is- but you seem like an honest person."

Lovino's surprise came out in one syllable. "Oh."

Emma laughed. "Yeah. And don't think for a second I won't be talking to you more now that I know you. You're in my Literature class, so you better get used to me being around!"

Lovino was surprised once again, but before he could think of anything dumb to say Emma spoke up again. "Well, I've got to get back to work. Go eat and tell me what you think later. Thanks for coming in!"

Lovino nodded and Emma turned back into the backroom where the sound of another beeping oven was going off. Lovino turned as well and sat at a table by the window. The pastry really was delicious.

As Lovino looked out the window one thought occurred in his mind. Had he just made a friend?

-/-

The next day Lovino was fully prepared to avoid Antonio once again. He knew that if he saw him he wouldn't have been able to say anything more than he had the previous day, which, to clarify, hadn't been a single word. Lovino had this in mind as he made his morning trek to school, relieved Antonio hadn't gotten up early like he had on a few select occasions to walk with him, and continued to be on the look-out throughout the day until he finally noticed that he was avoiding someone who wasn't even at the school that day.

Lovino didn't even notice until the class change between third and fourth period that the other wasn't there. He had walked around the corner of the math hall, mentally prepared to dart away at a moment's notice. This was the spot Lovino saw Antonio everyday, as Antonio walked out of the classroom just at the corner and Lovino rounded it. The first few times Lovino had chosen this way he had nearly run into the other, but he had gotten used to making a wide turn around the corner now so that he and Antonio just spotted each other at a passing glance. It would have been a lot easier, though- Lovino thought- if he had just gone a different way, but each time Lovino would take another path he would either end up lost and/or late to class. It was frustrating to no end.

But on that Tuesday there was no Antonio. At first, Lovino thought it could have simply been luck. Perhaps Antonio was staying after class for something or maybe Lovino was a bit quicker at passing the corner that day. Maybe Antonio was avoiding him too… though that didn't strike Lovino as particularly lucky at all when he thought about it. By the last bell of the day, though, Lovino was sure Antonio hadn't made it to school that day.

Lovino took the bus, telling himself that he didn't want to bother walking when there wasn't Antonio to avoid at the moment… but another part of himself kept thinking about Antonio on that ride. That wasn't a rare occurrence, actually, especially in the past few days as the memory of Antonio's lips against his own replayed like an insistent football playback in his head (the real football, of course; not any of this American nonsense). His thoughts today, though, were more along the lines of wondering why Antonio had not been at school. The idiot better not have skipped. Lovino's eyes rolled as he thought it.

In reality, Lovino didn't actually care if Antonio skipped or not- Lovino had just skipped himself the other day, after all. It was the annoying worry that ate at the bottom of his stomach that Lovino hated. Nothing could be wrong, could it?

Without going back to his own house first, Lovino marched right to Antonio's after he tripped his way off the bus. _Idiot_. He scolded himself. Why couldn't he just pay attention to what he was doing?

But, before he knew it, he was already wrapping his knuckles against the wooden door, insistently asking for entry into the house. Eventually, Antonio appeared in the door looking sleepy, pale, and, all-in-all, very sick.

"Hey, Lovi." Antonio greeted him feebly. He was leaning heavily against the open door.

Lovino wasn't sure what else to say other than, "Antonio, you're sick!"

Antonio looked himself up and down as if just noticing. Antonio smirked like he found this humorous, then coughed into his elbow.

"Moron, didn't anyone tell you you have to be in bed when you're sick?" Lovino marched in, grabbing Antonio by the hand and dragging the other upstairs to where he knew the other boy's room was. Antonio's hand was hot in Lovino's… which was from his idiotic fever, of course.

Antonio practically collapsed into his bed when he came into proximity of it and Lovino pulled the covers over the exhausted figure.

"Who's been taking care of you today?" Lovino asked, looking around to see the room its normal messy self yet not a bowl of soup or a bottle of medicine around. "Where's your brother?"

Antonio tugged the covers to his chin, looking cozy yet terribly hot from the sweat that beaded his face. "School? Work?" He answered sleepily, not opening his eyes in doing so.

"What about your stupid friends?"

"They texted earlier. They wanted to come over but Gil has band practice and Francis has…" Antonio chuckled, "Hockey… I told them not to come. Besides," Antonio opened his eyes to rest on Lovino, a small smirk on his face, "This is a lot better."

Lovino was struck still by those green eyes and, naturally, a blush started to develop on his face. He looked away quickly and asked, "Have you eaten anything?"

Antonio shook his head. "I'm not hungry."

"Well, you're going to eat something." Lovino turned to leave for the kitchen and didn't look back until he came back with a steaming bowl of chicken noodle soup.

-/-

Lovino was searching the medicine cabinet in the bathroom down the hall for any sort of thing that could help with fevers. As he pulled various bottles off the shelves Lovino couldn't help thinking _What does any of this stuff even mean?_

Lovino never got sick. It was just how he was, so why in the world would he need to know what medicines worked? Feliciano and Romeo got sick a lot more often than he did, but even then Lovino was nowhere near whatever they took to feel better. Usually his grandfather would sort out that mess and Lovino would be the one in the kitchen, stirring soup or pouring glasses of water. Lovino didn't know anything about the bottles of pills and liquid medicine that lined the shelves of pharmacies or the few that hid in the corners of that cabinet.

Lovino sighed in frustration and swung the cabinet's doors closed, just lightly enough to not shake the wall or the cabinet's contents. Lovino huffed back to Antonio's room, feeling annoyed at coming back empty-handed. That was, until he noticed Antonio was asleep.

Lovino paused in the doorway and looked at the peaceful expression on Antonio's face. Were people normally this content recovering from a fever or was Antonio just special? Lovino wasn't sure about the first, but one thing was for sure, Antonio certainly was special. He made the scratchy throat and sweaty face of recovering from a fever look like a relaxing day in bed.

Lovino picked up the empty ceramic bowl from Antonio's desk, observing that the soup had been eaten in its entirety. Lovino smiled softly, secretly pleased Antonio had liked what Lovino had made for him despite it being made from a simple Campbell's can.

Lovino took the bowl downstairs and washed it in the sink. After fighting with the dishes for a while and giving up on searching for the right medicine, Lovino found that he no longer had anything to do. Thus, he found himself once again in Antonio's room standing awkwardly and wondering if Antonio would wake up anytime soon.

 _You aren't supposed to want the idiot to wake up! He needs to stay asleep because staying asleep means he'll get better!_

Yet Lovino remained standing there, half hoping Antonio would wake up and talk to him… then again, Lovino had been avoiding Antonio only a few hours before because he was anxious what they would talk about…

Lovino turned and scooped his backpack up off of the floor, shaking away the memory of that night. Might as well be productive while he was here, so Lovino sat calmly down at Antonio's desk (which was a lot cleaner than Lovino would give Antonio credit for but still in a disorganized jumble) and pulled out his homework.

Math. Lovino sighed. This subject was the bane of his existence at the moment. Math had always come relatively easy to Lovino but recently the problems were really trying on his nerves. He swore he was working each step of the problem out correctly but by the end his product was a scramble of numbers that did not make any sense when compared to his answer sheet.

Looking at the copied paper before him, Lovino decided that getting frustrated with homework probably wasn't the best as he was in the room with a sleeping Antonio. Lovino had no idea if Antonio was a light or deep sleeper, but he figured he didn't want to find out now.

Lovino stuffed the papers into his backpack, taking no mind to putting them into folders where they would be prevented from creasing and folding like they were no doubt doing at the moment.

The point was, Lovino tried to snap his mind back into focus and away from other stray thoughts, he would get far too frustrated with math so instead he should pick something else to occupy his time. Literature homework. Perfect. Reading never did him any harm. So Lovino pulled out the old school battered copy of _The Great Gatsby_ from his bag and immediately proceeded to flip to the page he had left off on.

Lovino liked the book well enough. Honestly, Gatsby sounded like a stalker when he bought a house across the way from Daisy and throwing parties every night hoping without much reason that Daisy might happen to walk in, but Lovino could see how certain people could find it romantic. He didn't judge when his teacher gushed about Gatsby all class period. Perhaps it was a generational thing that established the controversy between Gatsby as a romantic and a creep. Again, he didn't judge.

Anyway, Lovino did like the book. It was an interesting read and the 1920's American life amused him. It wasn't his fault that he fell asleep reading it.

He could feel himself nodding off. Perhaps it wasn't the best idea to be reading with his head resting on the desk, no doubt causing a large red mark to appear where his face pressed against the smooth wood. Lovino was nodding off little by little as the words swam together on the page. It was peaceful almost- despite laying face flat against the hard desk and back curved at an awkward angle.

He didn't even feel like he was quite asleep, yet a moment later the room was dimmer and his back was aching like he had been there a lot longer than he had thought. He didn't notice these things though, because, at the moment, Lovino was screaming.

* * *

 _So, about the chapter. Sorry it's so basic. I just really wanted to get something out here because anyone who still likes this fic has waited long enough. I said Louis didn't have a big role and there it is. Basically Emma and Lovino talk a small bit about him. And the Emma scene was a tangent anyway. Sorry. Despite that, thank you guys for helping me figure out what name to use for him! I love Louis and it seems it was the favorite for you guys too._

 _Also, a few dates I've noticed about today. 1. It's the five month anniversary since I started this fic! Wowie! (not that I've been publishing that whole time... I said I'm sorry alright? xD) 2. George deValier updated his profile a year ago... I don't really need to explain much into that, just that I think I'll go listen to some Vera Lynn and sob now. Sorry to be the bummer but I thought that deserved a mention. *cries*_

 _I hope you all are doing well and thank you all once again for keeping with this story! Next update is hopefully soon and if not... someone yell at me?_


	12. Chapter 12

_Lovino was frozen. His legs had turned into cement blocks and his arms were shackled with heavy chains. He couldn't see them, only feel them. There was only one thing the boy could see._

 _"Mama!" he wanted to call out. "Mama!" Nothing could exit his mouth though. It was as if it was filled with a thousand flying butterflies, all fighting to escape yet not one succeeding. They were blocking everything from leaving: his words, his air. He was choking, yet he still could not pay attention to a single thing other than the scene before him._

 _Blood. Red. Puddles of it, pooling onto the pretty carpet of his bedroom. There was too much. Lovino hadn't known that so much blood could exist anywhere, let alone all of it being in the same place at once. His adolescent naivety clashed horribly with the information entering his brain. What was happening? What was happening? What was happening?_

 _Mama cooked with that… she kept it in a drawer that was out of reach to Lovino and Feli. She said it was dangerous and that they could get really hurt from it. Why did this man have it? Why did it glint so wickedly in the air as its red tinged blade made arcs above her. It was very repetitive like a catchy song. The sound it made had the same effect in Lovino's mind, echoing, repeating, going on forever in a infinite loop. He didn't like this tune. Get it out! Change the channel! He wanted it out of his head!_

 _It had been there too long..._

 _His mother's dark hair was so soft but it was so mangled in that last memory. Her olive skin was so pretty but it had turned unnaturally pale. Her brown eyes were warm even when she had stern words to say to him and his brother. They didn't hold anything anymore. Lovino remembered them as empty. He remembered his mother as cold and lifeless and and and…_

 _No… No. NO._ _ **NO!**_

"Lovino! Lovi, can you hear me? What's the matter? Please, say something!" There were hands on his shoulder but this only terrified Lovino more. He fell out of his chair, backing away blindly from the person in front of him. It was him. He had found him under the bed. He was going to do the same thing he had done to his mother. He was going to kill him.

Lovino was sobbing as he repeated, "No! Nonono! NO!" The same tune that had accompanied the arcs of the knife. Lovino didn't want this. He didn't want to die! He wanted his mama! Where was Mama?

"It's okay." A voice whispered across from him. It sounded like it had come from a safe distance but Lovino still tensed. Why couldn't he see? Where was everything? His breathing was too fast. Where was Mama? "Lovi, you're alright." The whisper continued and Lovino focused on the voice. It didn't sound threatening. It sounded calm and… comforting.

Lovino continued to whisper unintelligible things to himself as he listened to another voice whisper as well. "You're okay. Everything's alright." His breathing slowed and he became aware of a wetness on his cheeks. Slowly, his eyes started to creep open.

He was leaning against a wall in Antonio's room, legs curled up to his chest as he had sunk down to the floor. His was hiccuping and his hands were shaking as he let his gaze settle on the boy kneeling across from him a few feet away. "An- Antonio?" Lovino choked out between hiccups and a slight break in his voice. The boy smiled but Lovino's calm was slowly ebbing away again. "No." The whisper was becoming more common to him than his own name. Antonio's eyes widened and he scooted forward slowly as Lovino's gaze broke from his. "Nonono."

"Lovi, it's alright. You're here with me." Antonio placed his hand carefully on the other's arm as Lovino continued his mantra. It was rising in volume again.

"No. **No. No!** " Lovino's arms were wrapped around his legs and he squeezed tighter and tighter and tighter until he was practically crushing his chest. His eyes had pinched tight again. Now that Lovino knew who he was, Antonio's grip tightened on the other's arm as if to anchor him there. Lovino wasn't getting away again on his watch.

"Lovino." Antonio called his name for the same reason. Anything to remind Lovino that he was here, not in some flashback. "Lovino." There wasn't anything else to say anymore. It was Lovino's name. It was Antonio's voice. It was the only anchor Antonio could give him.

"Antonio." Lovino's shaky voice replied and a sob escaped his throat. "I'm sorry."

"W-What?" Antonio wasn't sure if that comment was for him or not until Lovino's eyes crept open once again. The sobs wouldn't stop and his body quaked.

"I'm sorry, Antonio." A sob or a hiccup interrupted him every so often but Antonio didn't hear any of that as everything seemed to flow out of Lovino at once. This dam had reached its breaking point and now nothing could be held back.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I couldn't help her. I can't help anyone. Not Feli. Not Grandpa or Romeo. Not you! That was the one thing I was supposed to do today! And I fucked it up! I'm sorry you're all stuck with me! I'm sorry I can't be fixed! I'm irreparable. I'm an old ass car that someone wants to fix up but there's problem after problem and it's just not damn worth it anymore! My family didn't sign up for this! You didn't sign up for this! Hell, why would anyone? I'm sorry you became my friend before you knew how fucked up I was. You're too damn nice, Antonio! Just leave before I hurt you. Like I hurt everyone else. I don't want to hurt you…" The sobs that had been slowly pooling up into a tidal wave as Lovino had held them back to speak now crashed down and Lovino was drowning in himself and his tears and sorrow and Antonio couldn't stand to see that. Antonio could not stand to see his Lovino in such pain.

So he did the only thing he could think to do: he wrapped his arms around the other. He felt like with Lovino in his arms he could shield him from the world, but the problem wasn't outside but inside. Lovino needed protection from himself. Antonio felt helpless but he kept the embrace strong and held Lovino up and gave him something to lean into. Hopefully the support was enough because Antonio knew there wasn't anything else he could do for the moment.

Lovino leaned gratefully against the boy supporting him. He told himself not to; he was burdening Antonio with more and more, but Lovino couldn't make himself turn away, to push Antonio away when his arms were so warm and he felt like falling asleep against his chest. Despite just waking up, Lovino felt so drained. He didn't wrap his own arms around the other, but he also didn't pull back. Returning the hug seemed so difficult to him, like his arms were made of lead and wouldn't bend if he _did_ somehow lift them.

Yet, he was still able to wrap his arms around his own torso. He felt bad. It was as if Lovino were getting two hugs now… Lovino still didn't move. His body was still shaking uncontrollably.

"Lovino." A stern voice caught his attention and his breath caught, causing his hiccups to become more vigorous. He looked up to see Antonio giving him a serious look. Not an angry one but not happy either. Lovino looked anywhere but at those green eyes. "You are _not_ broken. And you are _not_ irreparable. Your family isn't stuck with you. They love you. I am not stuck with you either. I _choose_ to be your friend. Not because I'm nice or I would feel guilty for leaving or out of pity. I like _you_ and I stay with you because of that. I _like_ you, Lovino. I don't know what your friends at your old school were like, but that's the reason _I_ am friends with you."

Lovino's head shook back and forth against Antonio's chest in a clear message. It's become so repetitive… _No_.

Lovino suddenly looked up. "You're sick, Antonio. You're burning up." Undisguised concern etched the Italian's face. Antonio had never seen it so vulnerable, without all the many walls it always upheld.

Antonio watched deep into the other's eyes for a moment until he assessed his surroundings again and instantly he was hit with a wave of chills. Oh, that was right. He _was_ sick. No, but that wasn't important right then. Then Lovino stood up. "Come on, idiot." His tone held none of the sarcasm or malice it usually held. "Let's get you back to bed."

"Wait, but Lovi-"

"Please." Lovino interrupted him, looking away to avoid eye contact. "Let me help you."

Antonio's heart broke as he stood up and let Lovino lead him to his bed. He understood.

Lovino thought it would feel nice helping someone else for a change. It had before his nap. Now, he felt nothing. He was empty, as empty as a pair of brown eyes he could never get out of his head.

Once Antonio was tucked into bed he scooted over and motioned by lifting the comforter for Lovino to come in too. Lovino didn't argue and once he was laying next to Antonio he stared at the ceiling. Antonio was sick so he should have been out like a light, but instead he held onto consciousness and watched Lovino.

"You know you need to tell your family that it's not better. They deserve at least that much." Antonio knew having the family in the loop again would help Lovino, but he would never take that step for Lovino unless it was absolutely necessary. Lovino didn't answer but Antonio could sense resignation from him.

They both fell asleep, Lovino first, laying on the edge of a flat pillow, then Antonio, worry still in mind for the boy before him and protectiveness growing in his chest. Lovino was not broken and he was not irreparable. He would show him that.

-/-

Lovino was woken up suddenly by the sound of a ringing, the annoying tune his brother had set as the ringtone for a call from their home phone. Lovino scrambled out of the bed and dove for his bookbag, retrieving his phone from its depths. Upon answering, he heard it was his grandfather.

"Lovino, do you see what time it is?" No, he didn't. With dread in his gut, Lovino looked over to the small clock on Antonio's desk. 11:13 pm. Oh _shit._

"Oh shit!" He said the same aloud, "I'm sorry, _Nonno_. I'll be right there. I'm not too far away."

"Yeah, just be safe on the way home. We'll talk when you get here." Then his grandfather hung up. Yeah, he was pissed.

"Is everything okay, Lovi?" Antonio asked, sounding like he had just woken up.

"Yeah, yeah, _bastardo_. I just gotta go home. You get some rest. I'll see you tomorrow." Lovino threw his homework into his bag.

"Oh, but I have to walk you! You shouldn't be going home alone." Antonio sounded really drowsy despite trying to sound light and awake.

"No, idiot. Get out of that bed and I will headbutt you. Being sick doesn't give you free passes from headbutts." Antonio didn't protest as he slumped back into bed.

"Okay…" Antonio was falling back to sleep, " _Buenas noches…_ "

"Yeah. You too, idiot." Lovino mumbled as he hoisted his backpack to his shoulder and tip-toed out, watching Antonio's sleeping face as he carefully shut the door to the bedroom.

As Lovino walked back home he recalled what had happened and his mood darkened considerably.

Stupid! Why couldn't Lovino do one thing? One damn thing? He was supposed to take care of Antonio today! Antonio shouldn't have had the drama of a traumatized boy waking from a night terror. And that wasn't even all of it! The damn night terror did what it always did: it had terrified him, it had caused panic to course through his body and with his breathing so labored and his heart pumping at such a quick rate, it had thrown Lovino back some place he would rather just forget and dismiss and never speak of again.

Damn flashbacks! How could this happen every time? And what the hell? What kind of person elects to forget their mother instead of putting up with a few freaky memories? What was wrong with Lovino? Couldn't he do anything right? He had wanted to help and look where it got him! Lovino was never able to help! The only thing he was good at was hurting and causing grief and pain and sadness.

Lovino clawed at his hair, trying his hardest to hold back the tears threatening to streak down his face. This wasn't the time to adorn red puffy eyes or a face etched in pain. His grandfather would be waiting up for him to have a word for staying out so late. It wasn't the time to make him worried and he'd be damned if he told his grandfather about the terror or flashback. As far as his grandfather knew he was doing better… well, aside from the week where he had neglected his medication. His grandfather was under the impression that his PTSD was at least under control though.

Lovino rubbed at one of his eyes before he froze his hand. _Idiot_. He scolded himself.

He couldn't do anything right. He couldn't help his only friend when he was sick. He couldn't keep his own family from worrying about him. He couldn't help himself… he couldn't stop being broken. Antonio was wrong. Lovino knew that he was broken beyond repair. What happened to things like that? Any reasonable person would just throw it away - there wasn't a purpose to it anymore.

No one would throw him out though. They cared for him. He was like a necklace with a broken clasp. He had no use or purpose aside from sentimentality. They let him clutter their jewelry box because they couldn't dream of throwing him out.

Sentimentality, boiled down to it, was pity. He was kept out of pity. They were idiots, weren't they? All of them, just idiots. When would they look and see that Lovino has no purpose to them. He wasn't worth anything and he couldn't even help them. Why was Lovino still there?

The cool metal of the doorknob in his palm shook Lovino out of his thoughts. He was at his front door now and every fiber of his being felt rotten and hopeless. It only took a few moments to hide it all though. All his self loathing and fear and pain was tucked into a carefully placed mask that he could use to hide himself from _Nonno_ , from Feli, from Antonio and anyone else that might try to see past his lies.

He had carefully constructed his facade years before. It was sewn with tight seams and the right laces and fabrics to hide everything buried beneath it. It was all tucked away and hidden from the view of the world. And, with his mask, Lovino stepped inside to live another lie.

-/-

Lovino's family had been kept in the dark for many years about the severity of his condition. Lovino had built a wall of lies he told to forgive himself for lying to them.

 _Really_ , he told himself, _if it's so easy to pretend that nothing's wrong, how do you know anything is actually wrong at all? You're just being dramatic, Lovino. There isn't actually anything wrong, so why worry them about it?_

Another lie.

 _They wouldn't really care if I told them I still have nightmares. I mean, I'm old enough to handle them myself now. I'm old enough to handle all of this myself. There is definitely no need to bother them with it._

A definite lie.

 _They'd only worry if I told them. It isn't helping anyone if they are worrying after me all the time. They have their own lives and I need to deal with on my own._

Why couldn't Lovino stop lying to himself?

It was impossible now. Lovino's wall, his web of lies, they had become a part of him. Telling himself these things for years, it would be terrifying to simply forget and let the lies be ripped away. It would hurt to fall on his face without any defense, bare to the world in all his sorrows. It'd be kind of embarrassing. It'd be absolutely mortifying. And, most of all, it would feel like a lie. To show what he was truly dealing with would make Lovino feel as if he was fabricating all of those raw emotions he felt for the people watching. He wanted to protect himself from those eyes. He had to make a shield and armor and a wall and moat to keep it all out. No one was allowed in.

Maybe he could protect himself… but that was all he could protect. Himself. How selfish was that? This was another realization that pained him, that he kept outside his wall and moat.

Lovino couldn't tell the difference between his lies and the truth anymore.

"What are you thinking about, Lovino?" Feliciano's head had popped out from behind the canvas he was painting on so that Lovino could hear him better. Lovino looked at his brother and the smear of red paint across his cheek. Feliciano loved to paint. It wasn't like when Lovino sketched sometimes when he was bored; his brother was driven by a muse. His canvases were always transformed into a work of art.

Lovino shrugged noncommittally to the question and a troubled look crossed his brother's face. He leaned back to position himself in front of his painting and poised the brush as if he were about to continue. From Lovino's position he couldn't see that his brother had paused in his work and was staring off into the painted blue sky in thought.

Looking at the paint's surrounding Feliciano, on an impulse, Lovino opened his mouth, "Hey, Feli," his brother leaned again to see him, "Do you remember that time - I was in the second grade at the time and you in first and you were painting… I was painting too." Lovino's smile was wistful. The times when he painted with his brother used to be pleasant. Feliciano had always been better but in those days it had never been about who was better. Lovino couldn't paint anymore… "You accidentally spilled the jar of red paint and, looking at it, I couldn't help but - well, but think of that…" His brother would know what he was implying. He never had to spell things of this nature out for Feli. "I had a panic attack right there in front of you. You didn't know what was going on and man, did I scare the daylights out of you."

Lovino hadn't noticed that Feliciano had set his brush down and moved to sit closer to him. Lovino had to look away to finish his story. "You were too young to deal with that." There wasn't anything else to say.

"Lovi, it wasn't your fault you had a panic attack. You were young too and it's not like you could control it." Lovino still couldn't look his brother in the eye. "You know that, right?"

Lovino didn't answer and, after a while of sitting like that, Feliciano carefully went back over to his canvas. Lovino shot a last look at his brother before his face was obscured and caught the worry that etched across his features.

Guilt ebbed into Lovino's heart and he had to shut his eyes to block it out. He couldn't block it all out though and one thought kept repeating in his head until he left to hide in his room.

 _You always mess things up._

* * *

 _Hey! Thank you guys for reading and for putting up with how long it's taking for me to get these chapters out. I don't know when the next update will be, but I'm not giving up on this fic! Thanks guys; you all are the best! Hoped you liked the chapter!_


	13. Chapter 13

Two weeks had past and Lovino's life was now more different than it had ever been. The fact that Lovino had friends was one thing. Real friends. Emma and Antonio talked to him because they wanted to and not because of his little brother or their parents told them to. Small towns were closer knit than the suburbs, yet Lovino had never been closer to people outside of his family. He saw Antonio in the halls sometimes and he sat next to Emma in class. It was a weird concept to Lovino and sometimes he went out of his way to avoid his two friends. That left him feeling a little guilty, but he wasn't used to it all and felt a bit overwhelmed.

Despite this, Lovino still found himself away from his home in the afternoons. He went to the bakery where Emma worked sometimes or some other place she invited him along to. Mostly though, Lovino found himself at Antonio's house. He would find himself walking and simply pass his house. He would blink and he was on Antonio's porch swing. He would look up and see he was sitting on Antonio's couch, watching a movie with the idiot beside him. They would be close and Lovino would remember what it was like to have those lips against his own…

Then he would snap back into reality and train his eyes so fiercely on the television before them that one would think red lasers would shoot out of his eyes at any moment and destroy the appliance. That was usually when Antonio's hand would brush his to reach for the remote or make some stupid remark about how red his face had gotten and Lovino would smack Antonio's shoulder, just out of spite.

Conversations with Antonio were still light, but, since Lovino's last flashback during Antonio's sick days, the Italian had been more on guard as of late. In return, Antonio acted completely normal and Lovino almost thought the jerk was going to stay respectfully out of his business. Then, when his guard was down, that was when Antonio would bring it up.

Like just then…

They were sitting on Antonio's couch, doing their normal thing, watching some pirate movie while Lovino kept frowning at Antonio anytime he were to get close when Antonio decided to open his big mouth.

"So, when are you going to tell them?"

Lovino was confused only for a moment. His heart sank as he understood. Turning to Antonio, he replied with a single word, "What."

"Feli. Your grandfather. Your cousin. I thought you were going to tell them." Antonio said as if they were discussing some homework project for school. He was still looking at the TV as Lovino was staring at him wide-eyed.

Lovino looked away and felt his shoulders curve in to make a barrier around himself. He was quiet, hoping the conversation would simply go away or Antonio would change the topic, but, as silence reigned, Lovino began to feel pressure building in his chest and words bubble in his mouth.

"I'm going to…" Lovino grumbled, "Eventually…"

Antonio finally turned to look at him and a pleased smile adorned his face. "I'm glad to hear that." He turned back to the television and let the conversation end. Surprisingly, Lovino did not feel relieved. If anything, he felt more on edge. Thoughts raced around in his head and, not two minutes later, he had spoken up again.

"Antonio, are you afraid of anything?"

Antonio turned again, this time surprise on his face. He seemed to contemplate the question, then reached for the remote and paused the movie. "Well, yeah." He said, rather matter-of-factly, "Everyone's afraid of something."

"Does anything make you anxious? Sad?" Lovino continued, curious now, "It seems like I've only ever seen you happy." Lovino didn't bring up the times Antonio had been quiet or serious. Yes, 'happy' wasn't the only emotion he'd ever seen on Antonio, but it wasn't like he had seen many of them.

"Yes and yes. Like I said, everyone feels those things. They're human emotions, after all."

Lovino knew he was prying, but he felt like he was close enough with Antonio to ask… "Like what?"

"Like what… hm…" Antonio thought, "I suppose I have some minor fears like snakes and twelve-sided die." A questioning eyebrow from Lovino made Antonio smirk, "Don't ask." Lovino didn't.

"Well, something that's been bothering me," Antonio scratched his neck and looked down, "I mean, I've told you before that I'm going to college after high school, right? It's what I've been saving for with my job. The thing is, I don't even _know_ if that's what I want to do. So, that's kind of been stressing me out. And, yeah, scaring me too."

"I mean, we've had our lives laid out so far. Go to school. Get good grades. But high school is it. It's the last place where your future is certain." Antonio paused for a beat, "Okay, maybe not certain… I mean, well…"

"Yeah," Lovino helped, "I get what you mean."

Antonio gave him a gracious smile. "So, yeah. Generally, you hear about three options after school. You can go to college, straight into the workforce, or into service. I'm just afraid I'll pick wrong. What if I miss my chance at what I want to do with the rest of my life?" There was a tiny frown on Antonio's lips and his brow was slightly furrowed. It was a new look, but Lovino couldn't help but thinking that it was still very 'Antonio' too. The features belonged to him, whether he wore them frequently or not.

"You're afraid of the future," Lovino thought aloud, "And I'm afraid of the past."

Antonio looked over at Lovino with a thoughtful look. Then, his smile was back and he nudged Lovino with his elbow, "We make quite the pair."

Lovino smirked a smile of his own. Antonio played the movie again and they sat silently, watching pirates smile with yellowing teeth and cannons firing from ships, sinking holes in others.

Lovino thought as the movie continued to play. He was still afraid, but now his fear seemed manageable. Fear was normal. The questions now, _Could he actually go through with this? What would be his family's reaction? Would they be mad that he had kept it from them for so long? Would they be upset or worried?,_ Had now shrunk down to attainable size.

 _Why can't you just handle this yourself?_

Lovino squeezed his eyes shut momentarily, forgetting for a moment where he was. He opened them a split second later, hearing a pleasant voice.

"You can take your time, you know." Antonio said, "It's your choice and you can do it whenever you want."

"I want to do it soon." Lovino's determined voice caused the other to look at him. Lovino was staring at the television now - an obvious way of showing that he was finished with the conversation.

Antonio turned his gaze back as well. "Okay." Was all he said.

-/-

Soon turned out to be way too soon for Lovino.

He had though he was ready. He had thought that night would be it, his opportunity. But as he sat at the dinner table, his family around him, loud and speaking over each other as the Vargas family did, Lovino couldn't help but focusing on one thing: the growing glimmer of panic in his gut.

This had been a mistake. Why had he chosen now? Why now? It was too soon. He didn't know what he would say and, even if he did, he really wouldn't have been able to. He couldn't move, much less speak. This had been a terrible idea, a terrible terrible idea. He felt unstable like a tower of Jenga pieces. Could he just go back now to how he had been? It was an option and, at the moment, a good-looking one at that. He could pretend again like he had been doing all these years. They didn't need to know. He would tell Antonio tomorrow that he wasn't doing it- that his family was better not knowing. They had put up with enough from him for all these years - all the flashbacks and panic attacks and nightmares. They shouldn't have to endure it all again when they finally thought it was over.

Lovino looked around the dinner table. Feliciano was wildly swinging his arms to elaborate whatever the tale of his day at school, pointing sometimes around with his fork and not even paying attention to the fact that doing so was quite rude. Had grandma taught him nothing of manners?

Romeo was cutting down a piece of lasagna while watching his cousin relay his story. Grandpa Roma was smiling as he too listened to Feliciano. They were quite the family, weren't they? I no more than two seconds the table erupted in overlapping voices again. Romeo had his own take on Feli's story and was battling for attention between their grandfather, who had his own story he had related and Feli, who still hadn't finished his own.

Lovino looked down at his own plate, a heavy heart in his chest that contrasted between the warmth of the table and the chill of his own secrets. He noticed he had barely touched his food. Damn it, why couldn't he at least pretend to have an appetite? Lasagna was his favorite food and the others would soon notice once they were through with their fighting for a chance to speak. He was too nervous to eat though. How does one eat when it felt like their stomach was eating them? The feeling in his gut was enough to make him nauseous.

Lovino was losing his nerve. Tonight he was going to tell his family and come clean from his fears. He couldn't do it anymore though. He just couldn't do it.

Lovino's stiff grip on his fork relaxed suddenly at this revelation and he dropped it. There was a sinking feeling in his chest as he realized his fears had won once again. Lovino sat very still in his chair, staring down at a napkin sitting on the table, until he heard someone clear their throat.

The table had gone silent.

Lovino looked around to find everyone's' eyes set on him. "Lovino," Feliciano whispered, as if to clue him in on something he had missed, "You dropped your fork."

Lovino's eyebrows shot up as he remembered. He looked at Romeo and his grandfather in turn before turning to pick the utensil off the ground.

"Oh, uh yeah…" Lovino couldn't look at their eyes. He knew what he would find there. Confusion. Worry. "I'll go, um, wash this off." Then, without another glance at the table, Lovino slipped from his chair and made his way to the kitchen. He leaned on the sink momentarily, then began scrubbing at the fork with soap and water. It did not take this long to wash a fork off, but Lovino didn't care. He just needed some time to recuperate.

Scrub.

 _I can't do this._

Scrub.

 _Stop it then._

Scrub.

 _They don't need to know._

Scrub.

 _I want to tell them._

Scrub.

 _Why can't I do this?_

Scrub.

 _Why does my fear control me?_

" _Fratello_?" A voice came from behind him and the fork went flying into the sink. Lovino sent his hand desperately in search after it- anything to not look up. He couldn't let his brother see him like this. He wasn't ready to go back in yet. He hadn't pulled himself together.

"Yes, Feli?" Lovino risked, asking through clenched teeth and flinching at hearing his voice shake.

Feliciano hadn't heard. "Aren't you hungry? You left your food untouched. If you don't want that fork we can get you another…"

"It's alright. I'm fine with this one. I'll be right back in there, Feli." He said quickly, hoping to dismiss his brother so he could recuperate. Feli reached up and placed a hand on his shoulder though, causing any hopes of collecting his thoughts to be banished. His newly retrieved fork was once again sent flying back into the sink. It took everything in Lovino to not spin around and face his brother from his surprise. Instead, he nearly jumped out of his skin and occupied himself with once again searching for his stupid fork.

"Lovino, what's the matter?" Lovino risked a glance over his shoulder. His brother's eyes were wide and full of worry. They searched his face as if looking for a clue and, going by the look in his eyes, what he saw only worried him further. Lovino quickly looked away. "You look like you've seen a ghost. Is everything okay?" He spoke delicately, as if he was afraid Lovino would break under his words if he didn't pick them carefully. Lovino knew what he was asking though. Had he experienced a flashback? Was he having an attack?

Lovino shook his head. "No. I'm fine, Feliciano. _Fine_. Go back to the table; I'll be there shortly."

"But you're not fine, Lovi. Please let me help. Please-" Feliciano's voice broke off and Lovino looked back. He saw that his brother was truly upset and guilt began clawing at Lovino's insides. Feliciano's voice came out as a whisper. "Please let me help you."

 _Help_. That's what Lovino wished he could do all the time. Help people. And here his brother was wanting the same thing. Lovino recognized it. He recognized wanting to help yet feeling that whatever you did you just are somehow unable to. Wanting to help someone. Feliciano wanted to help _him_.

That was when it all became too much for Lovino. All he had ever wanted to do was help them, protect them. His brother, his family, Antonio. He wanted to help them, yet he always seemed to hurt instead. All he did was cause trouble and grief and hurt. Feliciano wanted to help him and Lovino knew he would only receive pain and worry in return. Lovino had wanted to help his loved ones, yet, in doing so, he had led them all down a maze with no way out. They had finally reached their dead end. There was no turning back and no climbing the insurmountable walls around them. Lovino was stuck and he had trapped them all there with him.

A sob escaped Lovino throat and he covered his mouth with a trembling hand, hoping to contain the sound. Finally, he broke down. Sobs wracked his body as he let his legs give out and he slipped down to the floor. The kitchen flooring tiles were cool. They did not calm him as much as tinge him with a bite of cold. He was aware of his brother kneeling in front of him, familiar worry etching his face and voiceless words escaping his mouth.

"I'm fine, Feli." Lovino choked out. It was obvious that he was anything but. Lovino wasn't aware that he was crying or the fact that his brother's arms were now around him, holding him tight. It was as if Feli were holding him there, afraid he would go away somewhere. Perhaps he would fly off or maybe sink into the floor below. Maybe he could disappear into thin air, leaving not a trace or a memory. Perhaps then everyone would be happy.

Happiness. How does it happen? In the end, it is what we all strive for, is it not? But how does anyone ever achieve it? It seems impossible. Just a fleeting emotion that grows scarcer each and everyday. Something that you have to work harder for and as it grows further and further away. You grow more desperate for it. It's like a drug. Once you get one fix of it you want more and more. The thing is, you need more of the drug to get off. How hard is happiness for someone who's grown a tolerance? And how did Lovino grow a tolerance in the first place? Had he really used so much of his happiness in those early years of his life?

With his mother there, he wouldn't be surprised to hear that those were the happiest days of his life. He'd had plenty of good days spent with his cousin and grandfather. He's had many with his brother, though Feliciano would be surprised to hear that. Lovino had had plenty of happiness in his life… it was just so difficult to find sometimes. He was able to find it… it just took so much time and energy and _so much away from him_ that he felt he wasn't able to enjoy it like a normal person should when he found it. Lovino couldn't be normal. He couldn't find happiness like a normal person; it was too hard. Sometimes he just thought he should give up.

Happiness was out there, it just wasn't for him. How could he have the hope to find it when that tiny light wasn't in sight anymore. He wished he could remember what that tiny light had looked like. Had it been magical? Had it sparkled and gleamed? Had it called to him or remembered him at all when it was growing further and further away?

Lovino just felt so lost. There wasn't a way out of the maze when all the walls were surrounding him. There wasn't a way out of the dark when there was no light to guide him.

Light. Was it far away? It felt hopelessly gone to him. It had packed its bags long ago. Was it still out there somewhere? Had it moved to a more caring and trustworthy home - one that wasn't unreachable like it had been within Lovino? The light... He could see it in the eyes before him, the wide brown irises looking at him in worry. Feliciano still had light, he had the hope that Lovino had lost.

And Lovino wanted to reach out for it. Lovino wished to take his first step towards it... "No." Lovino shook his head. "I'm not okay." Then again, softer but more assured. "I'm not okay, Feli. I've never been okay."

"We know, Lovino." The deep voice of another made Lovino turn his head. Grandpa and Romeo were kneeling beside him as well. Lovino hadn't even realized they had come into the room. Then the words finally sunk in.

They had known. The entire time they had known that Lovino hadn't been okay. And all Lovino had done was push them all away by pretended things were normal. They too had pretended things were normal. And every one of them had gone through those years in the worry and the fear and the agony of being in the dark and in a state unfit to help. They had all been in an endless circle. They were all trapped in that maze.

Lovino didn't know what else to do but cry then. So he cried into his brother's shoulder who still had his arms wrapped tightly around his brother. His grandfather and Romeo joined in on the tight hug.

Because no words could sum up the years the family had been through together. No words could say what those tears and that hug and that moment on the kitchen floor could say all on their own.

* * *

 _Helloooooo! Long time no see? Yeah, just punch me in the face and we're even. Sorry again for the super late update, but I still love this story even if it's cringey when I go back to read it. Thank you all sooooo much for your patience and understanding. You guys rock! I will see you next time~ Toodaloo_


	14. Chapter 14

_To start out, I must say that this is indeed the last chapter. I won't keep you from it for long - I'll include most of my author's notes down at the bottom - but I thought I should warn about this being it before you start to read. Thank you so much guys and I'll see you down at the bottom!_

 _[Chapter replaced not long after it was originally published because of italicization problems. Problems fixed. Thanks!]_

* * *

"Lovi?" A whisper echoed through Lovino's head, dredging him out of his slumber. He buried his face in the comfortable cushions that surrounded him, hoping the voice would go away. Instead, it persisted.

"Loooviiii…" A little nudge on his shoulder caused his body to slowly start to wake as well. Lovino groaned, still attempting to snuggle his way back into unconsciousness. "Wakey wakey, sleepy head." The voice sung softly, a hint of teasing lingering there.

Finally, Lovino crept open one eye. First, the light of the room sent a pang through his head and he shut it again, then, slowly and bit-by-bit, he reopened his golden eyes once more to look into the green ones slightly above him. A smile tugged at his lips and, to cover his sudden happiness, he cursed, "Bastard, why'd you have to wake me up?"

The laughter that sang through the air sent a pleasant warmth through Lovino. Antonio answered, "You would have slept all day. Then I wouldn't have had any of your time to myself!"

Lovino tossed a pillow from the couch at Antonio's face, getting a direct hit which then plopped to the floor and resulted in an amused expression from his friend.

Friend. What a funny word.

Antonio collapsed on the couch next to him and looked over, "Pleasant dreams?" He asked.

Lovino thought for a moment. He hadn't had any nightmares. No terrors either, which actually hadn't occurred in months. As far as Lovino remembered, he had not seen anything but darkness and static as he slept. No nightmares and no dreams either. It was the kind of sleep Lovino enjoyed.

It had been months since he had finally told his family the truth. He felt better than he had in a long time and, to his utter bewilderment, so did the rest of the Vargas household. Things were certainly different; they would ask him about flashbacks and how he was sleeping and Lovino would even try his best to answer honestly. It was a good kind of different, Lovino had determined. Uncomfortable and awkward, and often times it hurt Lovino so much to finally have so many people taking care of him, but Lovino was getting better and, through that, they all seemed a bit better. It was as if they could all finally relax. There was nothing left to hide.

Lovino talked to a new therapist, his old one being all the way in his past town and unable to reach on a daily basis. Lovino didn't know if it was normal or not to feel this way, but he liked the fact that he was seeing someone new. It was uncomfortable getting to know them and dredging up all the old history that the former therapist would have already known, but it felt like a new start to Lovino. Lovino wanted to work towards his future and, though the past was certainly something Lovino had to work over as well, a new start felt like the best path at the moment.

Lovino was improving. He wasn't "cured" or "healed" or "fixed", but he felt better than he had in a long time. Little by little his past was being addressed and he was coming to terms with it. It took a hell of a long time, something he had buried for so long wasn't something he was going to magically come to terms with, but he was working hard at it.

There had been many bumps in the road and Lovino was sure there would be plenty more. About a month before, Lovino had yelled at Feliciano for always checking to see if he had taken his medication. Lovino had felt like his brother didn't trust him and Feliciano had explained that he did trust him, just not the thoughts that sometimes took over his head. Feliciano had cried and Lovino had too. There had been a lot of crying these past months.

But there had also been a lot of happy times and laughter too. Lovino had two great friends and a family that loved him. Emma would come over, most times unannounced, and drag Lovino away from his tendency to sleep in on the weekends to go shop or bake at her house. She finally showed him her famous carrot cake and, once when her brother wasn't home, she had let Lovino feed some of the cake to his rabbit.

There were suds wars with his grandfather as they washed dishes and fighting over the TV remote with his cousin. Feliciano and him had walked to the park once when his brother had wanted to paint something and, before they had gotten home, they had both been painted from head to toe in reds and greens.

Some say that life lets the good and the bad balance each other out. Lovino didn't know if this was true - he had been through too much bad to be unbiased in his opinion - but, since Lovino had really opened up about his problems, it seemed that the world had taken a liking to him again.

"Hellooo? Earth to Lovi?" Antonio's voice interrupted Lovino's thoughts and he shook his head.

"Yeah yeah. What is it, bastard?" Lovino grumbled. Antonio merely laughed and shuffled around for the remote.

"The new episode is coming on, so I grabbed us some popcorn." Antonio grabbed a handful of the treat and threw it into his mouth. Lovino smirked as he remembered another time when popcorn had been flying everywhere and Lovino had seen those grass green eyes for the first time.

"What are you smirking at?" Antonio asked, a mischievous smile of his own creeping onto his face.

"I just remembered that the first time I met you," Lovino explained, throwing a kernel of popcorn into his mouth, only to scrunch his nose at the dry taste, "You had a piece of popcorn stuck in your hair."

Antonio blushed, reaching up to touch his soft curls, "I what?"

"You had popcorn in your hair." Lovino repeated, "Gilbert had thrown it at you when we were about to watch that movie."

"Oh, yeah. We were watching 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit'." Antonio smiled softly at the memory, "That was fun. During the movie I kept trying to peek at you through the reflection on the screen."

Lovino blushed and threw a piece of popcorn at him, replicating the scene that had taken place months ago, except without successfully landing the kernel in his hair. "Seriously? You're an idiot."

"Hey, I saw you looking at me quite a few times during that movie!" Antonio tried to defend himself.

"I did nothing of the sort." Lovino waved the accusation away and looked back at the television screen.

"You know," Antonio continued on, speaking each word carefully as they each came to mind, "I think I knew deep down that first day that I would end up loving you."

Lovino's eyes were wide as he looked back at the other, "You w-what?"

Antonio laughed, "Don't look at me like that, Lovi. I think we've both known for some time that I like you like that. I mean, I kissed you."

Lovino sputtered, "But that- that doesn't mean-"

"It means a whole lot more than you're making it out to be, I think." Antonio laughed more, causing Lovino to feel like a total idiot, "Oh, Lovi, can I make things any more clear to you? I mean, people say _I'm_ oblivious."

"H- hey, idiot. Don't laugh at me!" Lovino exclaimed in indignation, crossing his arms and looking the other way to conceal his blush.

Arms wound around Lovino's sides and he was pulled into an embrace, " _Lo siento_. _Lo siento_. I just think it's cute." Lovino continued to pout, not looking at the other as Antonio continued to snuggle him from behind. "So, now we have another big question to ask ourselves."

Lovino's brow furrowed and for a moment he forgot his pouting and turned back to Antonio. " _Another_ question?"

"Do _you_ ," Antonio wondered, "Like _me_?"

Lovino immediately blushed and turned away. Antonio couldn't help thinking that the predictable reaction was endearing. Lovino mumbled something that Antonio couldn't quite make out. "What was that?" He asked with a smirk, already knowing what the words were, but wanting to hear them aloud.

Lovino didn't answer back immediately and Antonio's breath stopped.

Antonio had been sure for some time what Lovino's feelings towards him were, but, now that they were finally speaking to each other about it, now that Lovino could have said anything and his words were too quiet to hear and he had paused for one doomed second before repeating, Antonio began to feel nervous and doubtful. Perhaps he had been seeing the wrong signs. Maybe Lovino really _did_ hate him.

"Yeah," Lovino spoke up, "I like you."

Then, just like that, Antonio's heart soared. Lovino turned back around to see the other grinning like some idiotic maniac and rolled his eyes. "No need to act so surprised."

"I'm not surprised." Came Antonio's elated voice, "I'm just really happy."

"Not surprised? Wait, so you _knew_ I liked you?"

Antonio merely laughed and snuggled his nose into Lovino's neck. Lovino once again crossed his arms and turned away. "Fine. If you knew I liked you all this time then it won't be any different if I continue to ignore you."

"What? Aw, Lovi, don't do that!" Antonio badgered Lovino, but the Italian was stubborn. For the rest of their show, Lovino paid not a dime of attention to the Spaniard, keeping his eyes fixated to the television screen in front of them..

Finally, when it was nearing Lovino's curfew and he was due home, Lovino slipped on his shoes and walked to the door. Antonio trailed after to say farewell on the porch.

"Loviiiii, come on. At least say bye! Looooviiiiii!"

Then, before Antonio could comprehend the fact that Lovino had actually responded and turned around, there were a pair of lips on his own, already pulling away after only a brief peck. Antonio looked dazed as Lovino gave him a smug look. " _Buonanotte_ , Antonio."

Antonio was too stunned to say anything in return, but Lovino didn't seem to mind. In fact, he looked quite pleased with himself as he spun on his heels and walked away from Antonio's house, turning right at the sidewalk and continuing up the street.

As Lovino walked, the cool winter air touched his cheeks and nose, and the dark clouds above began to release tiny white flakes into the sky. Snowflakes dotted Lovino's hair and, for once, Lovino remembered a pleasant memory of him and his mother. They were playing in the snow on Christmas morning, rolling around in the chilly frost and throwing snowballs at each other. For so long, the past had been painful for Lovino. For so long, he couldn't even think of a memory without feeling like a failure to his mother or to his family.

But now, Lovino walked through the snow remembering all of the good things about his past. Lovino could handle the past and his present and now he knew that he was cut out for the future as well. It would take time for Lovino to heal and, even then, he would never forget the horrible circumstances of his youth. Lovino had decided that that part of his life was over. He wasn't focusing on this ending though, but on the beginning it was starting. And, just because he had decided to end one thing, doesn't mean that all things had to as well.

Lovino smiled and lifted his face from where it had been buried in his scarf, letting the white flakes fleck his cheeks and eyelashes. Lovino could take comfort in this thought.

Not all things had to end.

* * *

 _Oh my gosh! So here it is! The conclusion to Like All Things, It Ends! Wow, what do I say now? It's just... man, I've been working on this for over a year now and publishing it for almost that amount of time too. I know where I'll start! My favorite part: Thanking all you lovely readers! Thank you all SO MUCH for reading and following and favoriting and commenting; every single one of you has made my day sometime throughout this story. I cannot thank you all enough for helping me through this story because, no matter how dedicated I feel to it, everyone hates their own writing at one time or another. Haha_

 _Thank you to Sand as well! I suppose you're probably sick of seeing your name in my author's notes, but I can never stop thanking you for your support in my fanfics! I have no idea if I would do all the writing I do if it wasn't for you asking when's the next chapter. I'm so glad that we've become such great friends through fanfiction and our love of torturing our poor favorite characters._

 _This fic was my first (in writing, not posting) but it is definitely not my last. During November I will be a little MIA because I will be working on my NaNoWriMo story, but I shall be back! If you do NaNoWriMo, I would love to become buddies too or, if you don't know what NaNoWriMo is, check out my profile for more info. Wow, it sounds like I'm some sort of telemarketer. I just love this challenge so much! It starts on November 1st (sorry for the short notice) and is nonprofit too, so no worries about entry fees or anything like that. It's also open globally. Okay, I need to shut up._

 _Now that my weird plea for internet friends is over, one last THANK YOU! Have a great day all and Code is out!_

 _New in the world of LATIE: **gdesertsand** has created a oneshot of Feliciano's perspective for this story! It is so good and I encourage you all to check it out! And, yes, the information concerning their mother's killer included in this is, in fact, canon to my fic. Thank you so much, Sand!_


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